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Take A Moment

31 Oct

And think about where you’re at in life, sexually…

“Every now and then I remember being in Brooklyn at 4AM on top of really beautiful lesbian girl I was friends with, who’d decided that she wanted to go ahead and double-check if she was really a lesbian or not. Who better to call than me? So there we were, humping away, and I was really going after it, but she was just laying there looking like someone switched out her organic almond milk with cottage cheese. Finally she said to me, “Does this feel good to you? Because it doesn’t to me.” It’s a moment that hits me every six months or so, and it always makes me cringe and say, “Oh jeez” aloud to myself. It’s not the only one. There’s the time I got my wallet stolen by a hooker, the time I let a midget blow me at Mardi Gras, and the time I let Cousin Trisha “push me around in the wheelbarrow” at Aunt Trudy’s bachelorette party.  These are my “Oh jeez” moments. If you don’t have one every now and then, you haven’t been partying hard enough. Because for every triumph, there is a failure. For every smoking hot nine, there is a fat farting one. It’s how we make ten. And the only way to craft an “Oh jeezer” for yourself is to just let go and let God. And by God I mean Captain Morgan. Good luck my little marshmallow.” 

Oh jeez.

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How To Know If You’ve Been Living Right

31 Aug

Just try this simple litmus test:

“A good way to figure out if you’ve been living right is to clean out your car. If you find a couple nugs of weed, three unpaid parking tickets, $66 cash and a card for an escort service, YOU SIR HAVE BEEN LIVING RIGHT! Congratulations. Now have a beer. It’s already past noon.”

If you recall, he has mentioned his dirty car recently:

http://badadvicefrommybrother.com/2012/07/12/junk-in-his-trunk/

Line up, ladies!

“Dope New Tat”

24 Jan

or incredibly weird/sad email to send your little brother? You be the judge! He sent this late last night:

“Check out my dope new tat! It’s my motto for everything in life now. “I’ll start tomorrow.” Working out? I’ll start tomorrow. Quit doing drugs? I’ll start tomorrow. Recycling those bags of old hooker bones in the utility closet? I’ll fucking start tomorrow jeez get off my case MOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!! Get with the program bro. Why do now what you can put off until tomorrow, and then also not do tomorrow?”

Here’s the pic. I’m calling BS on it being real for obvious reasons. But if it was, it wouldn’t be his first ill-advised tattoo: 

Fairly good penmanship though...

His Favorite Days

20 Sep

are probably unlike most people’s favorite days…

My favorite days at work are when my one boss fires me (again) for being “effectively still intoxicated while at work” and then I go into my other boss’s office and remind him about that night in Macao with the hookers and how sad his wife would be and then like 45 minutes later the first boss writes me another email with an incredibly awkward and confused apology for the “unfounded accusations” he leveled against me earlier in the day, of course CC’ing the philandering boss. Knowledge is power, kiddo. Use it.”

I’m trying to get some more knowledge this year at school and so far it’s going alright. Its a different kind of knowledge then he’s talking about, but still. 

Trivia Question

13 Sep

He’s got one for you:

“Question: How many showers does it take to wash the shame and sadness off your body after what I just did? Answer: It’s impossible! But four showers, a bowl and three MGD’s help. Think I brought back Bed Bugs with me, PS. Bed Bugs or AIDS. Test results pending.”

Covering a lot of fun subject headings in that post. School is slightly less terrible sophomore year I think. 

Drawing It Out

11 Sep

He sent this picture of his hotel stationary and wrote the following:

“Here’s what I did last night with a local “Tica” as they call them. The last one is me crying alone if you can’t make it out. Anything happening in America today??? I kid, I kid. U-S-A! U-S-A! We got you Bin Laden you fuck!!!!”

The second to last one looks to be the payment. And what the fuck is that sentence at the bottom?

 

Trouble Before Paradise

9 Sep

Maybe he’s not going to Costa Rica after all…

“Fucking passport’s expired, and arguing that “Those hookers aren’t going to bang themselves” at the passport office just gets you thrown out. Bobby the Security Guard handled it all with class though, I must say.”

Certainly seems like a good argument. Surprised it didn’t work.  

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