And think about where you’re at in life, sexually…
“Every now and then I remember being in Brooklyn at 4AM on top of really beautiful lesbian girl I was friends with, who’d decided that she wanted to go ahead and double-check if she was really a lesbian or not. Who better to call than me? So there we were, humping away, and I was really going after it, but she was just laying there looking like someone switched out her organic almond milk with cottage cheese. Finally she said to me, “Does this feel good to you? Because it doesn’t to me.” It’s a moment that hits me every six months or so, and it always makes me cringe and say, “Oh jeez” aloud to myself. It’s not the only one. There’s the time I got my wallet stolen by a hooker, the time I let a midget blow me at Mardi Gras, and the time I let Cousin Trisha “push me around in the wheelbarrow” at Aunt Trudy’s bachelorette party. These are my “Oh jeez” moments. If you don’t have one every now and then, you haven’t been partying hard enough. Because for every triumph, there is a failure. For every smoking hot nine, there is a fat farting one. It’s how we make ten. And the only way to craft an “Oh jeezer” for yourself is to just let go and let God. And by God I mean Captain Morgan. Good luck my little marshmallow.”
Oh jeez.
