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More Lies About His Job

17 Jan

At this point what else can we call these types of emails?

“This day is just bonkers. Everyone at lunch was complaining about the War on the Recession and the AIDS crisis in North Dakota and the President’s taco addiction again, and I’d just had enough. I stripped off my pants, pulled my dick out and put it in my mashed potatoes. “Serves ’em right!” I yelled, not knowing who I was yelling about exactly. But here’s why I didn’t get fired: I had my fingers crossed behind my back. BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Works every time. And guess who I saw eating the leftover mashed potatoes later? Yep! The office dog Franklin.”

Sure it wasn't the office turtle?

Keeping America Cold

15 Nov

One text at a time…

“What’s in my fridge right now? Beer, bacon, and American cheese, that’s what. Because I care.”

God Bless Us All

11 Nov

Let’s play ball…

“You best be watching the most American thing ever right now– college basketball on a FUCKING AIRCRAFT CARRIER!!!!!! I can’t think of anything more exciting. Imagine if someone attacks us midgame and the players all have to ship out to battle using their superior athleticism to fight the aliens or Rihanna or whatever that Battleship movie was about (AIDS??). Anyway, get stoned and think about how excited Jesus probably is right now to watch these young men draining the three pointers and doing the dunks and whatnot next to those big-ass guns. God Bless America!”

What's next? People marrying dogs I bet.

 

“The Craziest Day Ever”

31 Oct

Right dudes?

“Dude is this the craziest day ever or what? It’s the final night of Anytober at Subway, the McRib is in full effect, it’s Halloween, and a lot of the porn sites will be updating tomorrow with loads of new vids! God Bless America!!!!!!!!”

Land that I loooooooooooooovvvvvvvve...

On God And Beer And America

11 Oct

The things he loves the most:

“I got invited to a “beer tasting party” today. Isn’t every party a fucking “beer tasting party?” But this guy meant like sipping and discussing and not the usual chugging and punching I enjoy. But here’s the problem: Jesus didn’t invent beer for us to talk about it. He invented beer for us to drink it. So the next time some bird-dick in a poncho (ponchos are about to be cool again, PS) tries to tell you about hops and micro-brews and organic wheat, show him the underside of your stink-trap, pound a Bud Heavy in his face and yell “These colors don’t run!!!!” And then try to puke if you’re up for it.” 

Anyone know where the “underside of your stink-trap” is?

Also, did he pay for this billboard?

 

Drawing It Out

11 Sep

He sent this picture of his hotel stationary and wrote the following:

“Here’s what I did last night with a local “Tica” as they call them. The last one is me crying alone if you can’t make it out. Anything happening in America today??? I kid, I kid. U-S-A! U-S-A! We got you Bin Laden you fuck!!!!”

The second to last one looks to be the payment. And what the fuck is that sentence at the bottom?

 

He’s A Country Boy

18 Aug

For show at least. Maybe not in actuality…

“I’ve been thinking. And I’ve been drinking. Sophomore year is a good time to come back slightly reinvented, and I think the best idea for you is to pretend that you suddenly love Country Music. Country Music is amazing because every single song is about either a woman, getting drunk, or loving God, and those things are what make the World spin. Plus, chicks LOVE Country. It signifies a certain masculinity to them that most men lack and hints at some weird dream of being taken by a bearded man atop a pickup truck and then sleeping under an American flag in that little nook between his chest and shoulder. You don’t have to wear cowboy boots, just bump some Tim McGraw and Alan Jackson in your frat room and tell people you’re sick of everyone’s Liberal bullshit. And when chicks come over, throw on some Zac Brown Band and Miranda Lambert (a hot chick who made a song called “Time To Get a Gun”) and sing along– girls love it when guys know lyrics for some reason. Also check out Conway Twitty’s “That’s My Job,” which I like to listen to and pretend we have a different, way tougher Dad while crying about the fact that we don’t.” 

Here you go folks:

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