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Shoutout To The Youth

1 Jun

From a complete dickhead:

“Hey I just wanted to thank everyone under the age of 30 for being so absolutely shitty at everything that it gives drunks with emotional problems like me a second chance at life. Here I was, buried under a pile of cocaine and arrogant Filipino lesbians a few years ago, thinking it was all over for me, that a new group of young upstarts was coming to take my job… but then you guys showed up, shrugging your shoulders and complaining about everything, thinking everyone owes you something, one-upping each other’s stories so much that at the end of an hour one of you declares himself Lord Xenu, ruler of all things lame, and generally just NOT BEING WORTH A SHIT. So thanks a lot, youngsters– it’s your absolute inability to do anything worthwhile that has allowed me to puke at my desk and not get fired for the last ten years!”

I thought he did get fired. Wait a second, is my brother a liar? 

Even young Asian men are failing.

Even young Asian men are failing.

He Got A Checkup

27 Feb

And his worst fear was confirmed…

“Well, it turns out I’m NOT dying after all. I know, I’m bummed too. I went to the doctor yesterday and explained my symptoms– morning dehydration and headaches, burning pee and stomach pain, farts, strangers in the living room, broken dishware, poorly written emails to exes, camera crew in the bushes, kids next door are crying, and my orange tree is dead. He called the cops but the CAT scan came back clean.”

FUCKIN CAT SCAN!!!!!!

FUCKIN CAT SCAN!!!!!!

Smokin’

1 Feb

And the potential consequences:

“Some nights I drink so much alcohol I get worried that my head’s gonna explode when I light a cigarette. And some nights, I hope it does. If you feel like this too, congratulations: You’re awesome.”

Makes you think about how stupid name tags are, doesn't it?

Makes you think about how stupid name tags are, doesn’t it?

“JOKES”

5 Jan

He’s heard of em:

“Just tried to plug my iPhone charger into my glass of champagne. WRONG!!!”

Levar Burton has really lost it.

Levar Burton has really lost it.

Don’t Limit Yourself

13 Dec

to laws and rules..

“I hate it when someone says “So and So’s blood-alcohol content was TWICE the legal limit when he was arrested.” Dude, the legal limit is for pussies. I blow a .08 with my snores. Talk to me when you cross into the 40th percentile.”

C'mon at least try to talk! You're only at .39!

C’mon at least try to talk! You’re only at .39!

Fall Into Fun!

15 Nov

In the magical world of insanity…

“Went to a party last night that was so awesome a dude fell into a pile of Doritos at the end!” 

Oh hell yeah

Take A Moment

31 Oct

And think about where you’re at in life, sexually…

“Every now and then I remember being in Brooklyn at 4AM on top of really beautiful lesbian girl I was friends with, who’d decided that she wanted to go ahead and double-check if she was really a lesbian or not. Who better to call than me? So there we were, humping away, and I was really going after it, but she was just laying there looking like someone switched out her organic almond milk with cottage cheese. Finally she said to me, “Does this feel good to you? Because it doesn’t to me.” It’s a moment that hits me every six months or so, and it always makes me cringe and say, “Oh jeez” aloud to myself. It’s not the only one. There’s the time I got my wallet stolen by a hooker, the time I let a midget blow me at Mardi Gras, and the time I let Cousin Trisha “push me around in the wheelbarrow” at Aunt Trudy’s bachelorette party.  These are my “Oh jeez” moments. If you don’t have one every now and then, you haven’t been partying hard enough. Because for every triumph, there is a failure. For every smoking hot nine, there is a fat farting one. It’s how we make ten. And the only way to craft an “Oh jeezer” for yourself is to just let go and let God. And by God I mean Captain Morgan. Good luck my little marshmallow.” 

Oh jeez.

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