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You Better Recognize

26 Sep

Or else something ridiculous will happen to you…

“If you’re ever in a cafe (kill yourself) and you think you recognize an Asian woman sitting by herself from some porn you watched recently, don’t go up to her and say that to her, even if the only reason you’re in the cafe in the first place is that you haven’t slept in three days and you’re pretty sure special agents are following you and you figure this is perhaps your last chance to pay your respects to a great porn actress. Because what might happen is that you were wrong, and that where you really recognize her from is the time you fucked her so hard in 2010 that her Dad had to come over and play her favorite piano quintet to wake her up, and that she’ll throw her stupid-ass mocha chubby girl drink all over your HANDSOME face. And then there you are, embarrassed at a Coffee Bean, again.”

I don’t really consider Coffee Beans to be cafes, but whatever floats his boat…

“One day, a man will love me for me…”


His Fears Confirmed

4 Oct

Sucks when something happens that makes him think his deep paranoia is a reality. From last night:

“Major bummer. Tonight I was taking a piss and singing my bedtime song to myself (“Baby Boy’s Beautiful Bedtime”), and it happened. I heard my neighbor’s girlfriend laugh. So it’s just as I thought–


And now I will have to listen to his “theories” over the phone again about the TV show based on his life that everyone’s watching and how I should just “admit it” and he’ll spare me when he starts killing everyone. Man I wish I was joking. And I also wish I could hear that song. 


11 Jul

He suffers from it, always has. But at least its in a funny way…

I hope they canceled that TV show that used to secretly film my entire life that everyone was totally in on, because MY APARTMENT IS A MESS! That would be embarrassing. Let me know, would ya? I’m trying to get laid and bitches hate dirty apartments.” 

This email allowed me to create the new category: “Cleanliness.” Thanks bro!

Screen grab from the Season 7 DVD

A Treatise on Hallucinating

11 May

No other way to describe it. I told him I was thinking of tripping w a friend after finals and he got all excited and said he would email me something. Back to the books for me…

College is the only time in life that people really, truly enjoy hallucinating. You’re too young to have your trip ruined by all the troubles and pressures of the real world, and just old enough to have truly mind-expanding, deep thoughts, so take advantage of this small window and accept that weird guy on your hall’s offer to “trip balls” with him this weekend in the woods. But don’t take acid. Acid is too often cut with other, speedier drugs and sometimes, gulp… rat poison, no joke. Acid is also often made by people who legitimately think Pantera is a good band. These people are bad, and wrong. The last time I ate acid I ended up crying in a Steak-N-Shake in Indianapolis because my chili bowl was full of maggots and my teeth were bleeding. Oh God how I wish that was a lie. Instead of acid, try mushrooms or mescaline, a much smoother, calmer way to completely (temporarily) lose your mind. Once you’re on the horse, remember this most important bit of advice: Nothing is as serious as it seems, and you WILL feel normal again, eventually. I once called the cops on myself because I couldn’t get the VCR to work and thought the bookshelves were screaming at me as a result. I learned that not only was that incorrect, but also that NO ONE needs to watch the movie Krull that badly. And PS, you can also always drink your way back to sanity if things get to be too much for you.

 Now, if you’re really taking it to the limit and doing the amount of drugs you probably should be in order to have an awesome time, there will inevitably be a few moments where you’re paranoid enough about reality to need to hide in a closet and cry. But don’t worry– you’re not alone! This happens to the best of ‘em, myself included. Heck, at one point in my life (I call it “All of 2001”) I truly believed that the government had implanted microphones in the ears and cameras in the eyes of all the squirrels on my campus. I called them BABY LINKIES, an acronym that’s far too complicated for me to explain to you right now. Do you have a week? I mean… Despite the ample evidence I presented at a Supreme Court Trial (drawing attached) including dozens of witnesses, cats who could read the newspaper, etc., it turned out that I was just really high and confused. Oh well! 

So be careful, and seriously, call me if you need anything while you’re tripping. I can probably help, and you can totally put me on speaker and I’ll make weird funny noises. Good luck!”

His Steak & Shake acid trip was mentioned once before:

This was the drawing he attached:

Is it me or is he getting progressively weirder?


27 Apr

If you’re not used to getting emails like this from a sibling, it would be weird. But we’re soooooo past that, unfortunately…

“Sometimes after I jerk it, I think to myself, “Wow, that was weird.” But remember, no one knows but you. You and God. And Google.”

If This Works, We’re All Golden

26 Apr

But it might just be that I’m drunk but this is hilarious. And weird. But really funny I think…

“Just came up with the greatest way to get a girl’s phone number, ever. Oh my God you’re so fucking welcome in advance, bro!!!! Go to a bar alone, or when you’re about to leave and your friends really aren’t there, and go up to the hottest girl there and tell her that you’re there with a crippled guy– your Uncle or something. Say that you have to take care of him, because if you don’t, no one else will. Women all want nothing more than to be taken care of eventually (or now), and she’ll swoon. Then ask her if she wants to meet him because he said, and you agree, that she’s the prettiest girl in the bar. She will. Then you take her away from her friends (only she can come, it’s a rule, he’s a shy cripple, Jesus!) and bring her to the other side of the bar and say, “Shit. I lost him. Oh man. I gotta go. Wait, first can I get your number? I want to extend this.” She’ll either be so lost in the amazing, philanthropic situation, or the incredibly subtle and suggestive boner reference (“extend”?) or she’ll be so flattered by your clever ruse (or her head will explode, that’s fine too) that she’ll immediately give you her number. Take it, smile, touch her arm, look her in the eye and say “One day. Soon.” And then leave motherfucker! BOOM!!!!!! Hottest bitch in the bar’s number for $0 and 2 minutes effort, and she’s DYING to see you again (or dead– again, that’s fine). Yes. You’re welcome. I’m the best. I’m the coolest, I smell the best, I’m tough and I have money. Hahahahahahahaha oh my money. My money and the cameras watching my every move. Oh God the cameras. Please someone help me!!!!!!!!!”

Cameras are funny.

"Got you camera!"

No Fooling Him

2 Apr

I’d like to think that he actually does this. I hope at least…

“Like every year, I took a boat out as far as I could make it before midnight on April Fools, hoping to hit the wall like Truman Show and end this Godforsaken life. Fail. I guess I’m telling you this because you should live your life like everyone’s watching you on closed circuit cameras and it’s all an elaborate prank. That way if it is, you can be like “Yeah, no shit” when they try to yell “Surprise!” at the end.”

He's onto us!


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