Or else something ridiculous will happen to you…
“If you’re ever in a cafe (kill yourself) and you think you recognize an Asian woman sitting by herself from some porn you watched recently, don’t go up to her and say that to her, even if the only reason you’re in the cafe in the first place is that you haven’t slept in three days and you’re pretty sure special agents are following you and you figure this is perhaps your last chance to pay your respects to a great porn actress. Because what might happen is that you were wrong, and that where you really recognize her from is the time you fucked her so hard in 2010 that her Dad had to come over and play her favorite piano quintet to wake her up, and that she’ll throw her stupid-ass mocha chubby girl drink all over your HANDSOME face. And then there you are, embarrassed at a Coffee Bean, again.”
I don’t really consider Coffee Beans to be cafes, but whatever floats his boat…
“One day, a man will love me for me…”
Sucks when something happens that makes him think his deep paranoia is a reality. From last night:
“Major bummer. Tonight I was taking a piss and singing my bedtime song to myself (“Baby Boy’s Beautiful Bedtime”), and it happened. I heard my neighbor’s girlfriend laugh. So it’s just as I thought–
And now I will have to listen to his “theories” over the phone again about the TV show based on his life that everyone’s watching and how I should just “admit it” and he’ll spare me when he starts killing everyone. Man I wish I was joking. And I also wish I could hear that song.
He suffers from it, always has. But at least its in a funny way…
“I hope they canceled that TV show that used to secretly film my entire life that everyone was totally in on, because MY APARTMENT IS A MESS! That would be embarrassing. Let me know, would ya? I’m trying to get laid and bitches hate dirty apartments.”
This email allowed me to create the new category: “Cleanliness.” Thanks bro!
Screen grab from the Season 7 DVD
If you’re not used to getting emails like this from a sibling, it would be weird. But we’re soooooo past that, unfortunately…
“Sometimes after I jerk it, I think to myself, “Wow, that was weird.” But remember, no one knows but you. You and God. And Google.”
I’d like to think that he actually does this. I hope at least…
“Like every year, I took a boat out as far as I could make it before midnight on April Fools, hoping to hit the wall like Truman Show and end this Godforsaken life. Fail. I guess I’m telling you this because you should live your life like everyone’s watching you on closed circuit cameras and it’s all an elaborate prank. That way if it is, you can be like “Yeah, no shit” when they try to yell “Surprise!” at the end.”
He's onto us!