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It’s Alive!

3 Jan

He has re-emerged from the depths of hell and sent this email to me and god knows how many other people as a manner of wishing us a Happy New Year I guess…

“Hello. You are receiving this email because I no longer have a phone. You see, I dropped it in Pauly Shore’s toilet at the beginning of what turned out to be a 36 hour ragefest at his Hollywood pad. Everyone who’s anyone was there. Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Carrot- Top, French Stewart, Shannen Doherty, all 11 of the Wayans Brothers, and Lisa Loeb– or as I now call her, “Professor Squirts-A-Lot.” Needless to say I had the best time ever, so good in fact that just a few hours ago I woke up inside of an empty whiskey barrel in Pauly’s garage. That motherfucker makes his own booze!

I can’t remember any of your phone numbers because it’s the Digital Age and we don’t have to remember anything anymore. I don’t even remember who the President is– some Indian fella, right? Jokes! Anyway, please send me your phone number again, and to all the girls on this list, please to re-send me that picture of your tits and/or No-No Area that I imagine you probably sent me at one point. Thanks in advance,

Pimperton J. Snardgrass IV”

So there you have it, folks. He’s totally fine and normal. 

"Professor Squirts-A-Lot"


Super Disappointed

21 Mar

Like many of you, I was waiting for something crazy to happen on Saturday because the moon was so close to the earth. But not my brother. He was angrily waiting for nothing to happen:

“Just as I figured, nothing happened on the “Super Moon” like all the nerds said it would. They’re the same people who thought the World was going to end on Y2K. So I stayed up all night on New Year’s Eve that year doing acid with my friend Dirtbag Jones, and when we woke up in jail on Jan 5th we realized it was all a bunch of bullshit. Don’t listen to doomsday freaks. They’re like kids who get confused between dreams and reality and think their Dad’s a superhero when really he’s a hoarder. Side note– don’t ever go to Steak & Shake on acid.”

Man, thank goodness for that “side note.”

This is what I figure Steak&Shake looked like on acid.

Heaven ’11

1 Jan

I celebrated the new year in style by not only getting laid but NOT having to sleep over afterwards! I’ve been consulting his hangover chart a lot today:

He called me from a party slurring and screaming “Heaven Eleven” last night, which I guess is his nickname for the new year. Sent me this photo just now… Apparently it’s how he’s handling the pain:

“Do you need 12 beers but only have 6 dollars? Try Game Day Light. Tastes as good as it sounds!”

I wouldn't have believed it was a real brand without the photo.


Counting Down

31 Dec

I’m happy to share this yearly roundup he sends to a dozen or so people…

“Friends, Countrymen, Irish People:

It is with a heavy heart that I write you today. My pet ant George passed away yesterday when he tried to lift eleven times his own body weight, which we all know is impossible. KIM-possible, even. I scattered his ashes onto a hit of acid and sold it to a busboy at a Ruby Tuesday’s. But emotions aside, I must press on. So I present to you, as is tradition, with MY TOP TEN MOMENTS OF 2010 list. They are:

10. My first ever trip to Wrigley Field. Cubs beat the Rockies, and I beat the shit out of a smart-aleck in a parking lot.

9. Winning $750 playing blackjack for 5 hours with a friend I hadn’t seen in a year.

8. Spending 200 of those dollars at a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell by making it rain while screaming “No one leaves hungry! No one leaves hungry!”

7. Winning a Fucking Contest in Louisiana. Talk about “Dirty South,” I had bandaids on my dick for two weeks!

6. The time I raped myself after drinking nine jager bombs. I woke up at noon, naked on the floor of my bathroom. There was lotion everywhere. Weird!

5. The afternoon I played corn-hole on a mountaintop with Kirk Cameron and Brooke Burns from “Wild on E!”

4. On mushrooms at Bonaroo, having a staring contest with Jay-Z that interrupted his show for 19 minutes. You guessed right. I won when I told a deadpan, satirical joke about the difference between men and women and he burst out laughing. HOVE!

3. Getting a 45 minute blowjob from a college girl while watching Inglorious Basterds and drinking some Makers Mark.

2. Wrestling a Rottweiler in an expensive gentlemen’s club in Shanghai for my dinner.

1. The weekend in Cheddar Bay. Unlimited biscuits, angry black waitresses… I mean, what the fuck else could you ask for?

Happy 2045 Everyone!”

He’s obsessed with Cheddar Bay Biscuits. If you’re not familiar:

Hoping to get laid tonight. Good luck to the rest of you.

Hiding Spots

31 Dec

We used to play hide and seek when I was like 5-7 and he was 15-17, and he would always cheat. I would find him reading a magazine in an off-limits hiding spot like our parent’s bedroom, or sometimes he would just drive his car to a friend’s house and not come back for hours. Anyway…

“I was hanging out with some single girls last night (raise the roof!) and some of them were saying how every New Year’s Eve they have to find a hiding spot before the countdown so as to avoid the awkwardness of some random guy trying to kiss them per our custom. This got me thinking– maybe you should hide out in the women’s restroom (a favorite hiding spot of theirs) right before the countdown and then when some cute single girl rushes in to avoid being kissed, you can fling open the door and yell “Showtime!” and start kissing them. Just a thought.”


29 Dec

Another one that might come in handy soon:

“New Year’s Eve is coming up, and with it, the tide of irrational and unrealistic goals being set forth by the masses. “I want to lose weight!” “I want to learn the piano!” “I want to stop eating so much shrimp that I get iodine poisoning every week!” Whatever they are, realize that women make the majority of them, and that in the days leading up to this “new life” of theirs, they’re going to be living very gluttonously in fear of the pending change. So take advantage of this. I did a poll of the stereotypes of women I’ve made up in my brain, and 75% of them want to stop sucking so many dicks in the new year… meaning New Year’s Eve will be the last night they’re mouthing around your town. Understand this, and get after ’em!”

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