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Don’t Be Weird, Grow A Beard

1 Aug

It’s basically his new mantra, replacing whatever his previous new mantra was two days ago. He sent this photo, and wrote the following:

Sorry ladies, I had to crop the pic.

“Beards. Because any asshole can grow a mustache. “What’s wrong? Can’t connect it, friend?”  That’s a sample of what I say to people with mustaches. Anyway, I’m pumped about this fucking CHEEK RUG I’m growing. It’s not done yet, but I’m already getting super cocky about it. It looks masculine, handsome squared, and pensive as fuck! I’m always rubbing it in simple situations like at Chipotle and causing bitches to go all aflutter. “OMG Becky what do you think he’s ordering? I bet Barbacoa. He’s bad. He’s dangerous. I want him to fuck me and then never talk to me again, and at first I’ll hate him for it, but over time I’ll come to memorialize it as ‘MY BEST FUCK EVER’ when me and my girlfriends are drinking Chardonnay and gossiping about penises. Ya know?” Okay maybe I took that a little too far but the point is this beard is DOPE CITY, which is the capitol of FREEDOM GORGE. Fuck I’m awesome!” 

Anyone else noticing an increase in ALL CAPS by him recently? I’m getting worried. I’m also getting sick of ironic mustaches so I support him here totally. 

Stereotyping

6 May

Seriously he’s just a racist idiot sometimes. That being said, anyone know if this is true? There’s a cute Armenian girl in one of my classes…

“How do I love Armenian girls? Let me count the ways. Is it the sideburns? The chest hair? The acne? No, it’s that they all do anal. Goodnight moon.” 

Goodnight moon? WTF did that mean?

Be On The Lookout

1 Mar

Warning! Warning! Warning!

“Dude have you ever seen this website?

http://www.familywatchdog.us/

What about this one?

http://flightaware.com/live/fleet/SWA

I just looked at them both back-to-back and had a fucking heart attack. Planes and rapists are everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Run!


On Mustaches

16 Feb

I like where he’s going with this one:

“Just had to shave my mustache off because he yelled at a couple people at work today (again) and I got to thinking: College is probably the only time you can safely grow a mustache. I say safely because if you grow a real mustache, not a soulless blip of attention-hair like these hipster fucks grow, it will take over your body, mind and soul. It will make you do things, and say things, that most of society can’t handle. And not dumb shit like “I listened to Arcade Fire before they were cool.” Awesome shit like “Come over here and do this line of coke off my dick, Stephanie.” And in the real world, post-college, it’s just too much. So, I guess what I’m saying is: GROW A FUCKING MUSTACHE YOU PUSSY!”

Really ended with a bang there. I know I’m convinced.

I hope you're ready to get your fucking ass kicked.

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