Archive | Movie Reviews RSS feed for this section

Writing Raps For Other People

15 Oct

We should all be so lucky as “Roger”…

“I’ve written a rap for my co-worker Roger, AKA The Most Boring Man in the World:

Let me tell you ’bout my fantasy team, and my dreams

After that, how ’bout a quote from the nineties movie “Scream”

And if there’s time, a dissection of my three favorite ice creams

If you love shit that’s boring baby get on my team.”

Roger’s coffee cup.


New Rap

6 Oct

Because why not?

“It’s important to constantly make up new rap lyrics and say them to yourself, alone in the shower or your car or when you’re trying to sleep on a sidewalk outside your apartment. Here’s my new one:

“I seen you out on the street like a bitch, sulkin’/ This that Home Alone rap, Macaulay Culkin. Seen them burglars tryin’ to get in my house, crap!/ Turn the tables on ’em like a game of Mouse Trap!”

See what I mean?” 

Oh I see what you mean alright…

Taken 3

17 Sep

An important lesson in being completely insane:

“Last night I realized that all of my lighters were gone. I had four. Bright colors. Vibrant. Flames for days. I realized where each one was. Drug dealers’s homes, all of them. And I went and fucking got each one! So if this movie “Taken To” doesn’t work out (by the way– taken to where? Am I right???? Shoutout to my boy Mike for telling me that joke!) they can just model a movie after me. A guy who was all of a sudden like, “Where the mother F are all my lighters?” and then went and got them. Did I have to fight? Not really. But fuck did I have to endure some weird/terrible conversations! People tried to tell me they used to be in bands that became famous but they got kicked out right before the cool/famous stuff happened! Lies Lies Lies! Anyway, it sucked, but sometimes you have to put your hand in a pile of shit to get your Super Bowl ring back. Ya know?? And that’s why they made that movie Slumdog Millionaire.” 

I feel like maybe I can stop the website after that one. It summed everything up. Here’s the photo he sent to prove his conquest:

Sad? Funny? You be the judge!

More Advice On Women

16 Jul

Because we can never have enough…

“Just remember that women think that movies are real, and that lines like “You complete me” and “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” are real things people can actually say to each other without one of them laughing. So use this to your advantage, do whatever the fuck you want with them, and then afterwards say something like, “If I told you I loved you, would that put the broken pieces of your puzzle heart back together, Sugar Dream?” and everything will be okay. You. Are. Welcome.”

Whoever designed this puzzle is a fucking genius.

Theater Jerk

27 Jun

He probably thinks it should be allowed…

“They can’t make a movie like “Magic Mike” for men because men can’t be trusted to not masturbate in movie theaters. PS “Magic Mike” looks awesome!”

But they did…

Dealing With Douchebags

17 Apr

who constantly quote movies:

“One of the worst things anyone can do in a conversation is quote a movie and then say to the person they’re talking to, “What movie’s that from?” like suddenly we’re on a terrible game show called “Dude Where’s My Gun?” and the host is this guy drinking an Amstel Light wearing boat shoes with capped teeth and a cock two sizes too small for my table clamp. So next time some Squirtwagon does that to you, just cut them off at the head and yell, “That’s from Terminator, right?!?!?!” and when they say no, fold your arms and get real obstinate (look it up, dick) and be all like, “I dunno dude, pretty sure it is.” Always guess Terminator.”

Here’s the last time he mentioned quoting movies:

Clearly a nerd who never did a situp made this poster. Is that a 16 pack?

Project XXX

8 Mar

He enjoyed it? He sent this last night:

“Just watched Project X– How the fuck is that movie allowed in regular theatres? Everyone should have their own private room to masturbate to all the hot high school chicks, drugs and explosions. I couldn’t even get out of my seat until ten minutes after the credits were over I had such a rager in my pantaloons. Then as soon as I walked outside I punched an old lady straight in her face and depantsed a couple college girls. That shit was a porno, not a film. I give it 10 Beer Bongs out of a possible 6 Pink Thongs, and I nominate it for all the Boner Oscars, which is an award show that takes place in my office bathroom every day around 3PM. Do yourself a favor and go emulate EVERY SINGLE THING those kids did in that movie this weekend.” 

I saw it and its fucking awesome.

%d bloggers like this: