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Never Forget

5 Nov

Or please please do forget. Or something… I’m very confused here:

“Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth. Mike Tyson said that shit, and it’s beyond true. It’s literal, it’s metaphorical, it’s allegorical, it’s deplorable and it’s adorable. So remember that the next time someone poops on your toothbrush or calls your backpack “gauche” or dungeon rapes you and three friends just because you happened to be hanging out by the river one day enjoying your youth OH GOD PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE THE NIGHTMARES STOP!!!!!!!”

Sometimes I post stuff on there that I feel like I shouldn’t. Okay almost all the time. This probably should stop soon. 

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Using TV To Help Your Test Scores

3 May

is not recommended, in the slightest…

“You’ve got finals coming up, right? Try this– when you sit down and address the test and realize you haven’t paid attention and you suck at everything, suddenly leap to your feet and scream “What am I on PUNK’D or something?!” The combination of surprise, hilarity and the incredibly timely pop culture reference will blow your classmates away. Don’t slip on any brains that will have inevitably exploded everywhere when you storm out! Reminder– always storm out of a room after you make a kickass witty comment. It lets people know that NOTHING can top what they’ve just experienced.  And reminding people who’s the boss is incredibly important in life. Why do you think they made a whole fucking TV show (“ALF”) based on that concept???? PS how funny was it that ALF was always trying to eat the cat? Is this thing on?”

I knew he was really big on the show PUNK’d and brains exploding after something awesome happens, but I didn’t know about ALF, which I don’t remember at all but Wikipedia makes sounds really ridiculous: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ALF_(TV_series)

"Ashton?"


Nightmares

18 Apr

Yet another in a long line of tips that I’m not sure why I would ever use:

“A fun thing to do in the mornings is to position stuffed animals next to sleeping girls faces so when they wake up they think a creature from their dreams has come to kill them. Then just wait their in your suit, reading the newspaper and drinking coffee, and when they wake up and scream, chuckle to yourself, fold the paper up and say “Ha! Idiot.” and then leave. Talk about a great way to start the week!”

Why is someone his age still sleeping with girls who have stuffed animals? Or, maybe a scarier question… Do girls always have stuffed animals????  

"Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!"


Weird Health Update

15 Apr

No other way to describe this one…

“Ever since I got skull fucked by that Demon last year I haven’t felt 100%. Seeing my doctor later. Keep forgetting to tell him. Let that be a lesson to you– if you’re ever tripping balls and a door starts glowing red, DO NOT OPEN IT.”

Scary shit.

Tournament Update

28 Mar

He’s updated the brackets:

*very helpful addition

 

“Well, the weekend certainly produced some fun games and the Fucked Four is finally set! Obviously we must first address Happiness’s surprising run to through Inevitable Death and Anger to make it to the final weekend. Happiness neutralized star Dark Angel Malone by showing him pictures of his childhood and scoring on layups while he was reminiscing. At the press conference following the game, Inevtiable Death’s entire team laughed maniacally and said in unison, “We’ll see you all soon.” One reporter’s head exploded at the revelation. Team Alcoholism started sluggish in the second half against Anger, relinquishing a big lead before passing out as a unit with 4 minutes to play. Anger ripped off 30 straight points to win by 6. Despite the win, Anger’s team was furious at their press conference, screaming things like “No one wants us here!” and “My parents got divorced when I was really young!” to a shocked audience of onanistic (look it up) sports reporters. But in the round of Egregious Eight, Happiness kept their smilin’ streak alive with another double digit defeat Sunday, made easier by Anger’s star player Rage Green’s ejection for stabbing a referee.

Fear ripped 12 seed Hope a new asshole, as everyone expected, and then ran rough-shod over Sadness, who’s game against Pornography was called “The most miserable thing I’ve ever seen in my entire fucking life” by Barbara Streisand’s dick. In the WEST Bracket, Disappointment lived up to their name by not even showing up to the game, playing right into Awkwardness’s trembling hands. Team Awkwardness’ leading scorer Boof Bogus filled the silence at the press conference by farting. In the SOUTHWEST Bracket, Drugs came out early and smashed on Failure, screaming “We’re your root cause!” en route to a 22 point victory and a spot in the Fucked Four.

On the one side, Awkwardness and Fear presents some intriguing matchups. For instance, who’s going to guard Team Awkward’ s Johnny Simpkins as he incessantly masturbates in the corner and occasionally hits threes??? Will Fear’s coach Spider Heights be able to get the monkey off his back and finally win a Fucked Four game? On the other side, can Happiness’s run to glory continue? Or Will Drugs capitalize on Team Happy’s welcoming style of play and fill their half-full glasses with liquid methamphetamine? As an added bonus, it was announced that Charlie Sheen will be refereeing all of the Fucked Four games, so hopefully someone from Team Drugs will kill him in the process. I’m looking at you, Crackrock Jones. Check back next week for more updates!”

Surprising turn of events, and I don’t mean the games. What happened to his Charlie Sheen love? He’s turned.

 

The Real Tournament

25 Mar

He sent me and about ten other people this masterpiece. Pretty self-explanatory…

“I’m sick and tired of people asking me about my bracket. “How’s your bracket, bro? Mine’s busted!” Totally man, awesome conversation. You wanna know how my bracket is, douche? It’s all right here.

Love that sponsor!

Still a lot of basketball to be played, but so far it’s been a great tourney. I think everyone was happy to see Arrogance go down to Failure after all that shit they talked. Drugs taking down Family was no surprise with their high-flying, reckless style of play– happens all the time– and it presents a great Elite 8 matchup of two very similar teams. Don’t be surprised to see a team quit mid-game or perhaps even a suicide at halftime when Drugs and Failure lock horns. In the WEST Bracket, I don’t think anyone was shocked by the end of Dreams’ run, especially to a stalwart opponent like Disappointment. Virtue put up a valiant effort, but in the end Awkardness edged them out when they Tweeted  a photo of Virtue’s head coach Tad Smalls sucking on a weiner in a rest-stop bathroom at halftime. Mission accomplished, Awkwardness, mission accomplished. Don’t be surprised to see a lot of turnovers, sulking, and in-game arguments between teammates when they face Disappointment tomorrow.

In the EAST Bracket, I think we’ve all loved watching Hope’s team of scrappy, undersized Latino men battle their way past Racism and Patriotism with offensive rebounds and timely assists, but it’s all coming to an end tonight when Fear stomps the living shit out of them with their roster of 6’11” angry black men. Sadness and Pornography will be squaring off on HBO after Pornography’s X-rated performance against Imagination last week shocked families nationwide. The SOUTHEAST is by far the toughest bracket, and I’ve gotta say I’m kinda bummed to know that either Alcoholism or Anger will be knocked out tonight. Either team could’ve won the whole thing. Look for a couple ejections, some technical fouls and more vomit than a frat party. Happiness plays with a fun, jaunty style and the fact that their entire starting lineup is white has really gotten America excited, but if you’ve got even a dollar, bet it on Inevitable Death tonight. Is anyone beating these guys? I seriously doubt it. MAYBE Drugs could edge them in the Final Four if they go on a serious bender, but I just don’t see how you stop Player of the Year candidate Dark Angel Malone and his 55 points (and one murder) per game. Check back in for more highlights on Sunday night!!!!!!!!!!”

The Warning Email

10 Mar

As if the previous ten or so weren’t warnings enough…

“Hey Dumb Dumb. Just wanted to warn you that some of my friends can be pretty weird. I know you’ve met a lot of them over time, but Vegas has the same effect on men that feeding a Mogwai after midnight did on them. If you don’t get that reference, I mean to say that my friends will all be acting like demons this weekend, hell-bent on the destruction of their own bodies, careless to the safety of others. This is what we call “fun.” You see, as you get older, you start subconsciously trying to kill yourself more and more often. Hence the popularity of sports cars and war. We’re trying to get the fuck outta here! And for some reason, they all seem really excited about you coming with me. You’d think they were a bunch of closeted pastors gearing up for a secret hotel rape-jam, but they’re not. They’re businessmen, some with wives, one with a kid (“Brendon” GROSS!!!!!!), and one pretending he’s never going to cheat on his future wife so this is his “last night of freedom” (cute). They all have some serious pent-up frustration that they’ll be taking out on craps table, nightclubs, and women’s self-esteem. Hope this isn’t scaring you, because if it is you’re a total pussy and not the brother I thought I knew and loved. See you tomorrow night!”

That would not have fit on Twitter. Speaking of, (like that segue?) make sure to check the Twitter feed starting tomorrow night, until Tuesday @brosbadadvice where I’ll be doing my best to tweet what he says and does on our trip without getting caught.

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