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Thinking On Behalf Of Others

5 Jan

A specialty of his, so long as it makes no sense… This is one I forgot to post from long ago:

“I was just standing behind my car in a random parking lot, talking on the phone wearing my tank top exposing my tats and some kick ass red shorts I bought SIX YEARS BEFORE COLORS WERE COOL, when a beautiful woman stopped dead in her tracks upon gazing at me. “My my…” she thought to herself. “Sometimes you see a man that reminds you there’s a helluva lot more out there in the World. Some magical place where ALL people are awesome, and NO ONE gives a shit. He must be a visitor from that fair land. Look at the car he’s chosen– a Volvo… safe so as to protect his perfect alien body… but Turbo, in case he needs to make a quick escape. And blue? Who’d have the gaul??? And he’s smoking, even though the Earth doctors told him not to– that he’ll die! What’s that he’s doing now? Throwing up? Our silly food does nothing but displease his space-stomach. I bet he got a coffee at that Coco’s and had a laugh. Simple people, we are. Hot brown liquid is our favorite… Ha! Anyway, back to my husband Jim.”

Special request, don't tell Jim.

Special request, don’t tell Jim.


Free Political Jokes

27 Aug

This one’s made straight for Twitter…

“Hey here’s a free political joke for you to tell all the kids at school this year: Forget about Mitt Romney’s tax records, I want him to release his other six wives! From the dungeon they live in! It’s probably cold and dark in there! Why are you guys walking away?! Is this thing off?” 


Keep Her Safe

13 Aug

And reap the rewards?

“Went to a wedding in NYC over the weekend, and the Rabbi (I know, first the gays and now the Jews– what’s next???) officiating the wedding said that the biggest strength my friend the groom brought to the table was that he made the beautiful bride feel safe. Well, that sealed it for me. I’m gonna start carrying a gun everywhere, and you should too. Women just want to feel safe. And what the fuck is safer than a gun? Nothing, that’s what.” 

Seriously, what next guys?

Knowing When

6 Aug

to say when. Isn’t that a saying?

” “If the Playoffs started today” is a stupid sports phrase meant to get fans of overachieving shitty teams like the Pirates excited in the middle of the season, but it’s also a good way to think about your life. Just change it to, “If I got married today…” and ask yourself if you’d be happy. The answer until you turn 40 will be no, so use that as motivation to climb a mountain, go skydiving, or let a really skinny German girl pee all over you. Something to think about.”

Go Reds!!!!!!!

If You’re Ever Attacked By A Swordsman…

2 Dec

just follow this simple recipe to vanquish him after watching the video he sent:

“Dude, you need to cheer up. Like that gay alien from REM said, “Everybody hurts.” And everyone gets arrested, even white people sometimes. Hoping that this video makes you feel better:

These men can teach us a couple of important lessons. One, if you’re ever holding a giant sword in an infomercial, take a look back at the sword every two seconds like it’s a damn snake about to bite you. Secondly, if someone ever comes up to you brandishing a sword and wanting to fight/kill you, just try to contain your laughter and quickly kick their ass. Swords are super-heavy and hard to swing, so you’ll have time to jump at the dude and smash his nerd face up real good before he can even scream “Stop, I’m a virgin!” Thirdly, if you ever need to stack a bunch of bamboo blinds and then chop them up because you’re embroiled in a domestic dispute and you want to make an INTENSELY WEIRD and dramatic statement/physical metaphor in front of your wife/neighbors/kids and pets, the Two Handed Great Sword is your new best friend!”

So there you have it. This did make me laugh, especially after another 10PM lecture from our Dad about how I’m a shitty son. Fuck him.

The Trouble With Women (Part 9,268)

8 Nov

He’s tired…

“Some 32 year old just tried to play me like a chump and ask me advice about how she should break up with her boyfriend. She didn’t think that my response of “Fuck me in front of him” was valid, so she got all pouty and walked down to HR to report me.  Yet another reason you need to have as much sex as you can right now in college. It’s just a fact– Something happens to women when they turn 23. They graduate college, drift into the post-feminism charade of “getting a job” and lose all control of their brains. They ask questions like “do you think I’ve gained weight” when obviously they have because they literally NEVER workout, and then when you respond honestly with something like “No doy” they freak out and ruin your night. So you start lying to them in ways that slowly spiral out of control until one night you find yourself in an old hotel in Montreal coked out of your mind handing your wedding band over to some rave kid so he doesn’t tell anyone about the 17 year old you just fucked. It sucks. So get it in left and right for the next few years, because after that, the girls start asking questions. And nobody likes questions.”

You can't trust this kid with a secret.

On Kim Kardashian

1 Nov

I’m surprised to see that he even cares to comment on this past office shit talking, but I’m not surprised that he chose to talk about it this way…

“I heard that the stress of Kim Kardashian’s sham marriage and divorce were causing her to “get out of reality” for a while. So I wrote the following ten jokes on behalf of everyone in America so we can all just move on:

ANGRY BLACK GIRL VOICE: “Bitch you BEEN outta reality!”

NERDY WHITE GUY VOICE: “Now who am I gonna masturbate to at my aunt’s house while everyone makes dinner?”

OLD RASPY GRANDPA VOICE: “Who’s crashin’ the cardigans?”

REGULAR COOL DUDE VOICE: “I hope that means she’s going to kill herself.”

FUCKING DUMBASS HIPSTER VOICE: “Dude what? (adjusts gay outfit, pretends to not use car window as mirror) I don’t care about pop culture shit like that. I just care about like… you know… cutting edge shit like… I mean… You know how like when… (starts crying, runs away)”

VALLEY GIRL VOICE: “OMFG do ANY relationships work anymore? Pass me that penis.”

STUPID OLD WOMAN VOICE: “Bla bla bla in my day women didn’t bla bla bla.”

FUNNY BLACK GUY VOICE: “Shotgun on that aaaaaasssssssssss!”

RICH WHITE GUY VOICE: “Something something something, dumb joke about how Kris Humphries probably has a big dick that reveals an emotional projection of my insecurity about the size of my own dick, which is small.”

SCARY RATTLESNAKE VOICE: “Slither slither hisssss!”

I hope this helps everyone.”

I think we can all agree that it does.

I don't get it. They look happy as fuck.

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