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Love Analysis

31 Mar

Back to his eavesdropping ways…

“Just heard a girl inadvertently explain our country’s divorce rate when she said, “Only single girls need to worry about what they eat!” Amen sister! Lonely Hearts Ice Cream Club starts in 30 minutes– hop on your Vespa I’ll save you a seat next to Marjorie. She’s bringing cake!!!!!!!”

He tends to just drift off into weirdsville sometimes.



Setting The Mood

30 Mar

I’m not sure if this would work:

“A lot of dudes want to put on some smooth music when they get a lady in the room, like some Lenny Kravitz or Billy Ocean, but I’m gonna suggest a different route. For me, the best sexual mood music is Speed Metal. Nothing says ‘Time to get pregnant” like blaring guitars and guttural death screams.”

Actually, I am sure. it wouldn’t.

Lady killers. Literally.



Before You Take That Drink…

30 Mar

tonight, watch this video:

“Dude have you seen this shit? It’s an old family of wizards from the 1980’s that used to go around to AA meetings to cheer people up. Try singing this song to yourself when you’re at the bar as a reminder so you never have an uncomfortable wakeup in Lake Michelob.”


29 Mar

I do not have one of these, and thank God:

Have you ever thought about wearing your High School class ring around town? I wear my Jostens classic with the Double Zero graduation date all the time to impress the ladies. The best thing about wearing a class ring around is that it lets people know what time it is. Time to get fucked. Strap yours on and watch the fun unfold!”

And Susan did go onto adventure. To a frat party.



Tournament Update

28 Mar

He’s updated the brackets:

*very helpful addition


“Well, the weekend certainly produced some fun games and the Fucked Four is finally set! Obviously we must first address Happiness’s surprising run to through Inevitable Death and Anger to make it to the final weekend. Happiness neutralized star Dark Angel Malone by showing him pictures of his childhood and scoring on layups while he was reminiscing. At the press conference following the game, Inevtiable Death’s entire team laughed maniacally and said in unison, “We’ll see you all soon.” One reporter’s head exploded at the revelation. Team Alcoholism started sluggish in the second half against Anger, relinquishing a big lead before passing out as a unit with 4 minutes to play. Anger ripped off 30 straight points to win by 6. Despite the win, Anger’s team was furious at their press conference, screaming things like “No one wants us here!” and “My parents got divorced when I was really young!” to a shocked audience of onanistic (look it up) sports reporters. But in the round of Egregious Eight, Happiness kept their smilin’ streak alive with another double digit defeat Sunday, made easier by Anger’s star player Rage Green’s ejection for stabbing a referee.

Fear ripped 12 seed Hope a new asshole, as everyone expected, and then ran rough-shod over Sadness, who’s game against Pornography was called “The most miserable thing I’ve ever seen in my entire fucking life” by Barbara Streisand’s dick. In the WEST Bracket, Disappointment lived up to their name by not even showing up to the game, playing right into Awkwardness’s trembling hands. Team Awkwardness’ leading scorer Boof Bogus filled the silence at the press conference by farting. In the SOUTHWEST Bracket, Drugs came out early and smashed on Failure, screaming “We’re your root cause!” en route to a 22 point victory and a spot in the Fucked Four.

On the one side, Awkwardness and Fear presents some intriguing matchups. For instance, who’s going to guard Team Awkward’ s Johnny Simpkins as he incessantly masturbates in the corner and occasionally hits threes??? Will Fear’s coach Spider Heights be able to get the monkey off his back and finally win a Fucked Four game? On the other side, can Happiness’s run to glory continue? Or Will Drugs capitalize on Team Happy’s welcoming style of play and fill their half-full glasses with liquid methamphetamine? As an added bonus, it was announced that Charlie Sheen will be refereeing all of the Fucked Four games, so hopefully someone from Team Drugs will kill him in the process. I’m looking at you, Crackrock Jones. Check back next week for more updates!”

Surprising turn of events, and I don’t mean the games. What happened to his Charlie Sheen love? He’s turned.


The Real Tournament

25 Mar

He sent me and about ten other people this masterpiece. Pretty self-explanatory…

“I’m sick and tired of people asking me about my bracket. “How’s your bracket, bro? Mine’s busted!” Totally man, awesome conversation. You wanna know how my bracket is, douche? It’s all right here.

Love that sponsor!

Still a lot of basketball to be played, but so far it’s been a great tourney. I think everyone was happy to see Arrogance go down to Failure after all that shit they talked. Drugs taking down Family was no surprise with their high-flying, reckless style of play– happens all the time– and it presents a great Elite 8 matchup of two very similar teams. Don’t be surprised to see a team quit mid-game or perhaps even a suicide at halftime when Drugs and Failure lock horns. In the WEST Bracket, I don’t think anyone was shocked by the end of Dreams’ run, especially to a stalwart opponent like Disappointment. Virtue put up a valiant effort, but in the end Awkardness edged them out when they Tweeted  a photo of Virtue’s head coach Tad Smalls sucking on a weiner in a rest-stop bathroom at halftime. Mission accomplished, Awkwardness, mission accomplished. Don’t be surprised to see a lot of turnovers, sulking, and in-game arguments between teammates when they face Disappointment tomorrow.

In the EAST Bracket, I think we’ve all loved watching Hope’s team of scrappy, undersized Latino men battle their way past Racism and Patriotism with offensive rebounds and timely assists, but it’s all coming to an end tonight when Fear stomps the living shit out of them with their roster of 6’11” angry black men. Sadness and Pornography will be squaring off on HBO after Pornography’s X-rated performance against Imagination last week shocked families nationwide. The SOUTHEAST is by far the toughest bracket, and I’ve gotta say I’m kinda bummed to know that either Alcoholism or Anger will be knocked out tonight. Either team could’ve won the whole thing. Look for a couple ejections, some technical fouls and more vomit than a frat party. Happiness plays with a fun, jaunty style and the fact that their entire starting lineup is white has really gotten America excited, but if you’ve got even a dollar, bet it on Inevitable Death tonight. Is anyone beating these guys? I seriously doubt it. MAYBE Drugs could edge them in the Final Four if they go on a serious bender, but I just don’t see how you stop Player of the Year candidate Dark Angel Malone and his 55 points (and one murder) per game. Check back in for more highlights on Sunday night!!!!!!!!!!”

In Case You’re Insane Too

25 Mar

Here’s some info for you:

“Don’t ever cut your dick off, no matter how angry you get at it. It’s not his fault mofo it’s not his mofo faaaaaaauuuuult!!!! All you dog ,all you.”

So there you have it folks. If something bad happens, it has nothing to do with your weiner. It’s “all you dog.” Good luck.

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