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The Good Old Days

17 Jun

Surprise! He misses them:

I yearn for the days when you could just casually lie in conversation without some fucktard Googling your lie and calling you out on it. Just babbled on about some historical event like The Battle of Las Cruces to prove that I wasn’t racist and Jim from HR tried to tell me there was no such thing, and then he proved it with his “smart phone,” which was not nearly as smart two minutes later when it “fell” into a “cup of coffee” at my “desk” while he was in the “bathroom.” Simple as that. Fuck the Internet.”

Don't fuck the Internet.

Don’t fuck the Internet.

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Clean Up After Yourself

15 May

Or else. He sent this picture and email:

“Before a new girl showers at your place, make sure to clean up previous super long obvious girl hairs in your shower lest you have to suffer the worst fate in history: Having a serious talk with a woman. I’ll never get the last two hours of my life back.” 

He should be more concerned about those calcium deposits building up.

Attach Yourself

2 May

And reap the rewards:

“Remembered a great rule for taking chicks home just now. Get to the point where it’s reasonable to ask them to go home with you (you’ve been flirting/touching, everyone else is leaving, her eyes are rolled back in her head, etc) and then ask her very straightforwardly. When she blushes and starts to say no, tell her with the utmost seriousness that she should feel okay doing this because there’s “no strings attached” in her doing so. It’s not that you want to have sex, you just don’t want the night to end. Like Scarface said in his epic love song “Goin’ Down” when told by his female companion that she wouldn’t have sex with him, “No sweat. Not even on my mind. We just met.” Make her feel safe with a guy who nearly took offense to the idea of sex when she brought it up. You’re not a whore for goodness sake! But then when you get home…

MORE STRINGS THAN A FUCKING ORCHESTRA. 

Just make sure to wear a rubber so you don’t get one of those nasty STD’s– Shitty Toddler Diapers.” 

Ready to play.

 

And here’s the Scarface song in question:

Watch Yourself

16 Apr

and watch who you believe…

“Yesterday my buddy claimed he could drink 24 Rolling Rocks without puking, and eager to see someone proven to be a liar (which is incidentally why I always hold a mirror up to my face while arguing with a woman), I called his bluff. But he wasn’t lying. The fucker drank all 24 of those green meanies and didn’t even gag. But what he left out was that he is COMPLETELY UNABLE to drink 24 Rolling Rocks without talking about his ex-girlfriend for beers 14-18, crying uncontrollably for beers 19-23, and calling the cops on himself after the 24th. Bummer dude!”

Don't be a baby about it!

Expectations

15 Mar

He thinks people should stop having them of him. I can’t believe anyone ever did…

“Apparently people think I’m actually gonna hang out with them when I say stuff like “Hey let’s hang out tomorrow” and “I’ll be there at 7!” and then when I don’t, which I figured was majorly fucking obvious, they get all angry and shit. Just wanted to let you know that people are getting really sensitive as we close in on the end of the World this year. FYgay.”

This is not a new problem. I remember he once didn’t come home for Christmas from college one year, and didn’t tell anyone in our family ahead of time. 

The New Testament

9 Mar

He spends a lot of time watching TV shows that he hates…

“Is there anything more antithetical (look it up, idiot) than when the Kardasha-kunts say “Bible” over and over to mean “I’m telling the truth”????? Sure, Genesis 41:3 directly references the Kardashians–

“After them, seven other cows, ugly and gaunt, came up out of the Nile and stood beside those on the riverbank.”

But that doesn’t mean they can just throw it around like that, especially when their entire lives are based on lies. Let this be a reminder to you– anyone who constantly says, “I swear” or “Honestly” or for God’s sake “Bible” is SO SECRETLY TROUBLED by how much they lie that they feel the need to remind people, and themselves, when they’re not lying.” 

Seven ugly cows

Read Between The Lines

7 Mar

As a complete liar, he’s a master of it…

“Watched that Peyton Manning/Jim Irsay press conference today and something struck me. First of all, is it just me or is that fat idiot ALWAYS HAMMERED? Supposedly he’s sober, so I guess when you’re sober your face is always beet red and you slur your words. Anyway, they both said it “wasn’t about the money.” Lemme tell you something. If someone EVER says it’s “not about the money,” it’s ONLY ABOUT THE MONEY. In fact, pretty much every time someone says anything’s “not” about something, it is.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s you.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine.” She’s pissed as FUCK.

“Those are not my drugs, officer.” Those are totally my drugs and I love them can I please keep them?

“I know I’m not the father.” I’m freaking out because me and that idiot NEVER used a condom and my sperm is made of magical dreams and rocket fueled delicious candy.

So just remember that the next time someone tries to BS you. It is, what it is.” 

This country is weird.

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