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How Many Times Can One Man Get Fired?

16 May

Or quit or whatever other bullshit…

“Well I quit my job today. Had to give my dipshit boss a ride to the Saab dealership because his Saab’s vulva collapsed and I take a turn real hard along the way (because fuck physics) and there was some tinkling sound and he’s like, “What’s all that noise?” and I was like “Probably just some beer bottles” and then he was all like, “Why do you have beer bottles on the floor of your car?” So I slammed on the brakes, undid his door’s child lock and asked him to get out. At first he thought maybe I was joking but once I screamed it like ten times and starting coughing a bunch he did in fact get out. “Why do I have beer bottles on the floor of my car?” Next he was probably gonna ask me why I don’t alphabetize my Blue-Rays. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. That’s why. Cleaning up after your awesomeness is like if they cleaned up after a war instead of leaving all those burnt up antiques everywhere for the Armenians to steal. Know what I mean?”

FUCKING VANITY PLATES RULE!!!!!!

FUCKING VANITY PLATES RULE!!!!!!

Internet Search Assistance

3 Aug

He needs it. Anyone?

“Looking for a montage of the women’s gymnastics from the Olympics that I can masturbate to. Hopefully one with a soundtrack, maybe “Hungry Like A Wolf” or something? Doesn’t need to be that song. Really just want to make sure it’s only the 18 year olds. Know of anything?” 

To quote the great Kanye West: “If she got that ass, I got to look. Sorry.”

He Needs A Genie

2 Aug

So he can finally get this really important goal accomplished…

“Sometimes I wish my arms were so long that I could wrap them all the way around my torso and give myself a reach around. I’d do it from time to time, probably standing up, and I’d act all surprised and say something like “Mrs. Stevens? Well… If you must continue. But please do hurry, as I’m late for a meeting.””

Mrs. Stevens?

Getting Creative

31 Jul

Drastic times call for drastic measures. That’s a saying right? He sent this picture:

What a fucking selection!

“At the doctor’s office today because my AIDS is flaring up and all they have to masturbate to is this magazine about traveling in the Northeast. Sometimes you’ve gotta get creative. Hoping the combo of loose cougars and the oxymoron of a funny woman can get me over the hump into Explosion Alley, AKA the bathroom with the shitty button lock ten feet from here.” 

“Don’t Feel Bad”

19 Jul

Just feel weird…

“Don’t feel bad if every now and then you’ve got stay home alone drinking whiskey and listening to Fiona Apple explain all of your problems and intricacies. Just masturbate to her video for “Criminal” afterwards and you’ll feel like a man again.”

Scary!

16 Jul

And funny. He sent a link to this video with the message:

“Just jerked off to this video. Spiritually I mean. No Romo.”

Junk In His Trunk

12 Jul

Unexpected junk. Weird junk. Sad junk…

“Just opened my trunk and saw a fork in there. “Hmm, wonder why there’s a fork in my trunk,” I thought. “Guess that’s how they get in the road!” I joked to myself because I’m always alone. I laughed and laughed and laughed as NPR played in the background. Then I went home and jerked off. I’m the coolest!” 

Just don’t get your tongue stuck in it!

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