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Accidents Happen

19 Apr

When you start drinking early. He sent this earlier:

“I think when you get older you should cut your hair short and get a boob job. Just met a hot lesbian who looked like that and MAN ARE MY ARMS TIRED!!!!” 

And when I wrote back “Not sure if I can pull it off,” he wrote:

“Sorry wrong person. Sue me.”

I did it again. Found the best picture ever.

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Switching Teams

9 Sep

He’s going to try to convince someone to do it…

“Taking a chick on a date tonight– only problem is she’s a lesbian. Not for long, am I right fellas???? (Then every guy in the World claps and hoots and hollers and smashes beer bottles and does a really cool but kind of understated dance)”

And he certainly has an exciting view of his impact on the world. 

Google Images strikes again. I typed "confused lesbian"

Eight Days A Week

13 May

Soon I can focus on this goal:

“I’ve gone out hard (HARD AS FUCK!!!) the last few nights and realized that if you want to get laid all the time, you have to go out EVERY NIGHT of the week. Here is a handy guide:

MONDAY: More like FUNday am I right?? There’s a lesbian bar down the street from my apartment that goes OFF on Monday nights. I know that one of these days I’m gonna convince one of them to “straddle the fence” as I call it. The fence in that scenario I my dick, FYI.

TUESDAY: More like BOOZEday am I right?? Okay I’ll stop doing that. But everyone knows that Tuesdays are amazing. I used to go to a black bar in Atlanta every Tuesday and I became so well known that one night I decked a guy for stepping on my Air Jordans and the bouncers threw HIM out, not me! Tuesdays are also a great night to do cocaine. 

WEDNESDAY: Wednesdays are tricky, but if you can find the right spot they’re genius. Usually some random bar will have a Humpday drink special, like 2for1 or something, which can give your wallet a rest and also gets chicks HAMMERED. Hammered chicks make the sun come up. Did you know that?

THURSDAY: This used to be such a popular night at my college that eventually I wisened up and stopped taking Friday classes. My Friday morning routine consisted of an Ibuprofen horse pill, a bong hit, a bacon-egg-and-cheese bagel and stories with the fellas in the kitchen. Boom!

FRIDAY: Obvious.

SATURDAY: Fucking obvious.

SUNDAY: More like FUNday am I right? Sorry. Sundays are interesting because they are split into two sections on the year. The first and most important is Football Season, when you start drinking at around 11AM and bars are filled with 80% men and 20% TOTAL FUCKING SLUTS. The other part of the year is called God’s Half, where you can catch girls who don’t go to church (and Jews, the sluttiest of all religions) out, but I recommend finding a good “Industry Night” somewhere. These are nights where people in the service industry (waiters, bartenders, strippers, vampires) go out and fuck each other because they all work THU/FRI/SAT and can’t fuck each other on those nights. Epic night, always.

PLOMPDAY: Plompday is a day I made up in my head because 7 days is not enough for me and I’ve totally lost my mind. On Plompday everyone kisses me and grabs my penis and we listen to old Joe Jackson records.

Good luck!!!!!”  

I need all the luck in the world today. 

Of Hammers and Harmonicas

13 Apr

Today’s sex tip courtesy of a man with an un-verifiably long penis:

“It’s hard to explain to a girl that you’re not interested in them sexually, but you are VERY interested in them + one friend. To best accomplish this, you first need to be on stable ground in your one-on-one sexual relations. So tough out the awkward sex moves, the cellulite, and the occasional toilet paper remnants– because you’re building towards something potentially great. While you’re having sex next time, when you’re getting a real good pump in, make sure to yell something like “I wish I could go down on you at the same time I’m fucking you!” Then get in real close to hear her response of “Me too” or whatever she says (lady talk = not important). When she does, mention the potential of bringing in her sluttiest friend sometime (they’re usually named Brittany or Kelsey, FYI). You know, to do what you can’t. All girls are like guys in that they too have a lesbian fantasy from time to time. The sheer excitement of the idea combined with the power of Absolut Vodka should help her to acquiesce (Jesus Christ look it up, dipshit!) Once you’ve got the crew together, teach them a move I call the Two-Sided Harmonica and make sweet sweet music! Let me know if that doesn’t work and I’ll think of something else. That is, of course, unless you have a fourteen inch Schlonson Hammer in your pants like me. If that’s the case, fuck it. Just tell the chick to bring a friend next time to see the show. As Kobe Bryant says, “You’re welcome, Faggot!””

I remember he once told me a long time ago that a guy who brags about his dick a lot probably doesn’t have a big one. Maybe he forgot.

"I'm Kobe Bryant, and I approved this fucking faggot-ass message."


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