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On Disciplining Other People’s Kids

13 Sep

Pre-class post… Trying to attend some this year. This is something he’s been doing for years, including the time he spanked our neighbor’s son in our front yard when he was 25 and the kid was like 10. It was frightening, like this probably was…

“On the plane back I met up with, not surprisingly, some trouble. It wasn’t of my usual “can’t get hard in the lavatory because of the turbulence” trouble, but instead of a completely non-sexual nature, and involving a child to boot. This little whippersnapper in the seat behind me kept smacking her cute little tootsies on the ground– literally for the first three hours of the flight– and despite my requests for her to stop, she did not. Here I was, minding my own business in Business Class, reading GQ and trying to figure out if Mark Sanchez is gay (He loves showtunes?) while this little shit is just smacking the day away in her Payless shoes. With her fat ugly father passed out and no recourse to be found, I finally rolled up the magazine and smacked her foot as hard as I could with Mark’s smiling, ambiguous face. Of course she immediately started crying, waking her father, at which point she explained to him in Spanish what I’d done, and he burst to his feet to confront me. “Tengo huevos?” I asked him. “Hay heuvos,” I declared, never letting my eyes leave his. “Sientate,” I said, pointing to his seat. And sientate he did my friend. Sientate he fucking did. Pretty sure Sanchez is, bt-dubs.”

Glad to hear that no one was hurt… except for that girl’s foot.

I don't think I need to read the GQ article. I've made up my mind.



Look Out Costa Rica

10 Sep

He actually went…

“Just landed in Costa Rica. Pretty sure I left my dignity down here 7 or 8 years ago. And I’m pretty sure I know just where. Guess what else? Not gonna say one word of Spanish the whole time I’m here. Boom!”

I think we all know what he claims to have done the last time he was there. People should be worried. 

Wrestling And Recycling

23 Aug

I actually took the recycling out at our house tonight by coincidence…

“The best time to take out your recycling and SIMULTANEOUSLY brush up on your Spanish is when the Mexican dude with the poker is outside doing his dumpster dives. Everyone wins. Unless you wrestle him also, in which case there can be only one winner.”

LA is a weird weird place.  Hope he was the winner. 

I will give you these cans but first you have to wrestle me.

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