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Don’t Make Him

9 May

I think I pissed him off:

“I only drink two things: Coffee and Alcohol. I only smoke two things: Cigarettes and Weed. I only shoot two things: Hoops and Clay Pigeons. Don’t make me add a third, bitch.”

This shit ain't funny!

This shit ain’t funny!


Another One Bites The Dust

18 Oct

Hopefully someone can help him:

“Big fat ugly repair man came to my apartment today to fix my dishwasher and commented that he was “glad to see that other bachelor pads looked like [his.]” Needless to say, the dishwasher didn’t get fixed and I need someone to come help me dispose of the body. Luckily, Esmerelda’s day is tomorrow and she knows how to keep a secret.” 

Motherfuckin’ maid party!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Columbus Day

8 Oct

Whether or not this story is true (it isn’t), he sent this video, so happy Columbus Day everyone:

“Columbus Day reminds us that there’s no such thing as being lost, so long as when you get anywhere you act like you meant it and then kill everyone. This is a song my friend wrote about Columbus Day right before he died of Feline AIDS. His brother made this video of pictures of him before his death from Feline AIDS to commemorate his prior Feline AIDS-free life. Please to enjoy.” 

Here’s the video:

Asking The Tough Questions

18 Jul

Someone’s gotta do it. Might as well be you…

“I really give it up to the guy who had the balls to ask, “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” A lot of people shit on that guy and act like he was insensitive, but seriously, he needed to know how the fucking play was, and he asked. It actually would have been MORE insensitive to not ask. He probably had a free ticket to the next showing but it was from some annoying “friend” of his and he was trying to weigh his options, because if the play was awesome it would be worth him having to put up with that dude’s petty banter. If the play sucked, fuck it, he wasn’t gonna go. Pretty simple. Meanwhile all the other idiots were like, “OMG Mrs. Lincoln are you okay? Do you want me to bring you some provisions?” What a bunch of pussies. If you want information, fucking ask for it.”

Too soon.

An Offer We Can’t Refuse

14 Jun

All we need now is the government’s help…

“After reading that Jerry Sandusky called himself “The Tickle Monster” when he would rape kids, I’d like to reiterate my offer to The United States of America. I will fly myself to Pennsylvania, and upon arrival, be handed a loaded, gold plated Desert Eagle .45 handgun. Jerry Sandusky will be brought before me in an open field. I will “tickle him” repeatedly, then shoot his dick off, then his hands, then his feet. After that I’ll probably black out from glee (not the TV show, that’s later!) and anything’s fair game. Cum one, cum all!” 

Shoutout to Israel!

“The Best Beer Ever”

8 May

And how to “make it”…

“Just had the best beer of my life. Here’s how you make it: Take two Dos Equis bottles and put them in the freezer. Forget that you did that because you’re high as shit on three bong hits and two valiums. Come home from work early 24 hours later because your Grandma died again and you can’t handle the pressure of work with all these troubles on your mind. Open the freezer to get some ice cream for your afternoon cry and remember the beers. Open them both and wait until the ice flows upward and out, not unlike a Push-Pop, Ring-pop, or dog’s lipstick boner. Pour the remaining beer into a glass. Two beers make one, and you’ve got yourself the best beer ever. You’re welcome.”

“Even I didn’t know about that recipe.”

The Accused

4 May

It’s a good thing in his book…

“I’ve been called by three different people in the past 48 hours and accused of killing Junior Seau. You know you’ve lived a good life when people randomly accuse you of committing the nation’s latest atrocity. Shoot for the stars, kiddo.” 

He sent this photo as evidence of California’s sadness and support:

Doctors confirmed today it was a suicide so he’s in the clear.

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