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Tattoo Suggestion

30 Jun

First he wrote this and included the below picture:

“Dude you should get this tattoo!!!!”

Why would anyone want to see this every day

I wrote back “That’s a no go. Mom’s not dead.” Then he replied:

“Don’t worry she will be soon enough.”

What a guy. 


If You Need An Excuse

30 Jun

Try this extremely painful and dangerous one:

“Take a picture of yourself the next time you’re all cut up and bloody (which if you’re doing it right should be every weekend), and of the emergency room that you visit afterwards, and keep them handy on your phone. Use them for excuses for the life of your phone– for classes, tests, getting out of dates with girls because you accidentally jerked off right before it and no longer have any interest in hearing the blatherings of a woman, etc. Text the girl: “Just almost cut my finger off- have to go to hospital. Can I take a rain check?” Then throw in a winky face and it’s ALL GOOD.”

He attached this photo:

He has like a dozen photos of his injuries. Sliced hands, missing teeth, broken legs, black eyes, broken noses.



29 Jun

Seriously guys if I fail summer school too I’m going to kill myself. Don’t know what prompted this one, but…

“If someone’s text or email makes you laugh, just write “Hahahaha” not fucking “LOL.” First off, it’s faster. Secondly, it’s more genuine. People who write “LOL” are assholes and liars. Really, you “LAUGHED OUT LOUD”? You just fucking laugh out loud all day, huh? How do you hold a job down? People must think you’re crazy, just laughing away at your stupid desk all day like a damn loon. Fuck you!!!!!!!”

I love it when his emails get angry at the end to the point that it feels like he’s mad at me. 

He Is Not A Racist

29 Jun

As the following evidence shows. We were talking on the phone yesterday and I told him to “stop being so racist” as a joke but he took it the wrong way I guess…

“I’m kinda pissed that you called me racist earlier. Frankly, I resent that comment. I’m about as racist as America herself, you fuck. For instance, I was just outside texting a married Korean woman about what time I was going to pick her up so she could blow me (She “just want see big one for once”) when two black men approached. My neighbors. “Two black guys in an alley,” I said, a smile forming on my beautiful face. “My worst fucking nightmare.” And what did they do? They dapped me the fuck up. Why? Because I’m awesome, and awesome people can’t be racist. What’s that you say? You don’t know what a dap is? What have you been living under a cock? They shook my hands! They smiled! “What’s up man!” they yelled in their unnecessarily loud black voices. So I ask you, how could a man so beloved by his black neighbors, so sexually fulfilling to the women of Korea, be a racist? The answer is he can’t. So eat it, friend.”  

Second email in the last three days that included “A smile forming on my beautiful face.”

Foodie Update

28 Jun

He’s a foodie, remember? 

“Hey fat people– Do you want a big fucking bowl of afternoon ice cream but know that your co-workers will judge you? Then try this gum! I’ve been screaming for years that someone should invent beer flavored gum, and vodka-soda and gin-and-tonic flavored gum, and then you could sponsor it out and go Jack-and-Coke flavored gum. It wouldn’t have to contain alcohol and I think it could maybe help alkies kick the habit through delicious gum. As a side note, I also think there should be rotisserie chicken flavored cigarettes. Can you look into inventing some of these this Summer? Ask someone in the Science Lab if it’s possible. The beer and alcohol gum would need to have that fizzy property to it or else it’s no good, FYI.”

I will be sure to “ask someone in the science lab” about that right away. Here’s the photo he sent:


Don’t Ask Him For Directions

28 Jun

Because he’ll only tell you the way he knows to get there…

Last night a friend of mine asked me for directions to Calabasas, which is a city 26 miles northwest of LA. So I told him the only way I knew how to get there. “Well,” I said, a smile forming on my beautiful face… “You get really really drunk, like stinking drunk, preferably because a girl just broke up with you, and then you decide you’re going to drive to your Aunt’s house in Sierra Madre. Don’t ask why. But you get lost somewhere around the complicated 110/5/710/101 exchange, and instead of pulling over, you floor it, because going the wrong way fast is better than asking directions drunk. You’ll probably black out right around Toluca Lake, but don’t worry, you won’t stop driving. If you followed the directions correctly, you should end up at the McDonalds on Las Virgenes, right off the 101 in Calabasas. It’s near the Albertson’s. Oh and by the way, you’re welcome.” Needless the say, that man died last night. The moral: Don’t drink and drive.” 

I looked it up and that’s a scary drive he took if he was actually blacked out:

We're lucky he missed the ocean.

Not Chill, Bro

27 Jun

If you’re supposed to judge a book by it’s cover as he says, then this doesn’t make sense. Did that make sense? Sorry I’m stoned…

“It always shocks the shit out of people when I’m bumping reggae music while screaming profanities at them in my car. They’re all like “I thought dude would be chill.” Think again, brah. Think afuckingain.”

That being said, it’s never a surprise to hear him say he almost got in another fistfight. He’s got to be close to triple digits by now. 

Don't test me mon!


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