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Stop Worrying

1 Aug

Everything’s covered courtesy of Hollywood:

“Went to a charity event to end World Hunger in Hollywood tonight, so go ahead and check that box off, we’re all set, stop worrying about it. Also remember that charity events and “good causes” are great places to meet vapid (look it up), terrible women who love to watch documentaries and fuck.”

Good to know. 

Yum

31 Jul

Looks like a good way to start the day:

“If you’re gonna wake up at 3PM, don’t be a pussy about it. Make yourself a Man’s Breakfast.”

He lives a good life.

Don’t Be Afraid To Cry

30 Jul

If the reason you’re crying is to get laid…

“Going to see Crazy Sexy Love or whatever it’s called (Hazy Reckless Doves?) tonight with a chick. OMG a movie about complicated relationships?!?!?! How original. How about a movie about a gang of cats who rob the Moon? Too innovative? Whatever– that’s not the point. The point is, I’m going to cry at about the 40 minute mark of the movie, which might seem early but I think she’ll be expecting the obvious cry at the movie’s climax, and I want to surprise her with how in touch I am with my emotions. And then later I want to surprise her with how in touch I am with my penis. Are you getting this? I want to have sex with her.”

I wrote back “Crazy Stupid Love. Good luck” and he wrote back “Fuck you and fuck luck.”

"We're here to steal all your moon shit."

 

Someone Call A Doctor

30 Jul

He’s sick. Sent this text at 3AM his time last night:

“I think I might be dying. My penis just coughed, no joke. Other people heard it. Super awkward.”

Any pre-med students want to take a shot at this?

 

Family Album

29 Jul

We took a picture last night to celebrate my first year or something and I guess our mom sent it to him. He forwarded her email to me…

“What is this terrible photo you guys took last night? A of all it’s like “Mom, why are you doing personal shit sending me pics on work time? Get your head in the game!” B of all, Dad looks just as punch-worthy as ever. And C of all, did you lose weight? You look like one of those ugly Russian teenagers that film their boring orgies that I still watch sometimes on Porntube. Get your shit together bro! Unless you’re gonna go for the “I’m not fratty despite being in a frat” vibe. That can work. Women love contrast.”

I will not be posting the photo. 

Reuse, Recycle, But Don’t Reduce

29 Jul

That’s the motto I made up for him. It’s not very catchy, sorry. He sent this picture at 730AM his time:

USA! USA! USA!

“If your recycling bin doesn’t look like this, you must be in a sleeper cell. PS how beautiful are these new God Bless America Bud Heavy cans? And the Gatorade is so I don’t puke on my boss’s shoes. Made in America bitch.”

Those cans are pretty cool. 

Don’t Be Political

28 Jul

Easy to sum this one up…

“Douchey guys always try to flex their mental muscle but waxing gay-etic on politics, but it’s a waste of time. Lemme tell you what’s going on in politics right now without even knowing– a bunch of rich white dudes are fighting about pretending to give a shit while taking private flights and banging their assistants and barely talking to their beautiful fake families. True story. Exact same as the last 50 years, there’s just a black guy around now wondering why the fuck he ever wanted to be President. So if some schmizuck (kids are still adding Z’s into words, right??) ever tries to show you up about how he knows who the Speaker of the House is and you don’t (and honestly, WHO GIVES A FUCK????), just get quiet for a second, shake your head and say, “I’m still waiting for them to arrest King Koopa for his war crimes against the Mushroom People. Where’s that headline, ya know?” And then punch him in his time-wasting face.”

Surprising King Koopa reference there. Did not see that coming.

King Koopa, AKA Bowser, is wanted for the murder of over 17 million mushroom people.

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