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Stinky Thoughts

2 Feb

More for his pet peeve list:

“I fucking hate it when people say “brain fart.” This girl in my office always says it after she fucks up. “Oops, brain fart!” No, you’re just an idiot. Don’t blame farts for this!!!!!!!!! As a side note, if you were wondering if farts ever stop being funny, the answer is no.”

Good to know about farts. I was planning on eventually scaling back the amount of fart jokes I told but not now.

Elton John Would Be Proud

31 Jan

Or grossed out. Who knows? Either way, if you’re looking for a sex move, here you go:

“Dude- just remembered a dope sex move for 3rd Base that pretty much only works in college. Requires a girl of 100 lbs or less, so gymnasts, ballerinas, and some cheerleaders are what you should be on the lookout for. Basically just anorexic girls. You pick the girl up (don’t ask first!) and flip her upside down facing you and do a standing 69. Keep your socks on for fun’s sake. I call it The Tiny Dancer. Attached a drawing to help you out. Give it a try this weekend!”

And here you go folks:

Hold me closer...

 

Prepping a Pledge

30 Jan

We had a long talk on the phone this afternoon that I thought about trying to record but decided against for a hundred different reasons: privacy, bro-code, laziness, fear, etc. But he emailed just now as a follow-up…

“I didn’t mean to scare you with talk of being dropped off in the woods in my underwear with no money and just an axe to protect me. Your frat might not do stuff like that. We were the coolest and the scariest, so we did. Whatever you do, just stay the course. No one likes a quitter, so unless you uncover some ancient goat-fucking secret, stick with it. And even if you do, give it a try– how will you know if you like fucking goats or not if you never try?”

Nothing has even started yet, but the stories I’m hearing are insane. And a couple people have asked, but I don’t want to say where I’m pledging because it seems like a bad idea for a hundred different reasons, see above.

He Believes

30 Jan

New, slightly moronic email that is not advice in any way, shape or form:

“I just figured out that the R Kelly song “I Believe I Can Fly” was not an emotional, uplifting ballad based on a Maya Angelou poem but rather just R Kelly singing about his own delusions of grandeur. He honestly thought he could fly, the pervert! Seacrest out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Why on earth would anyone be thinking about R Kelly at a time like this? And why does he love to say “Seacrest out” so much?

Pretty sure this is not a doctored photo.

 

Wild Night

29 Jan

Last night was insane. Looks like I’m a pledge now not just a regular human anymore. Woke up to this text today:

“Gonna need your help prob- a guy just pulled up next to me in a Mistsubishi Eclipse and he looked at me so I stabbed him to death. Bail info forthcoming. Peace!”

I have no idea how much time pledging takes but I guess I don’t really have much else to do. I’ll keep flinging up his emails in my free time.

It is a pretty gay car

Mirror, Mirror

28 Jan

A fire up message for the weekend:

You should have a mantra or a slogan that you say to yourself in the mirror before you go out every night. This will help get you emotionally ready for Battlefield Pussy. For me, it’s a quote from once-great football player Randy Moss. “Straight cash, homey.” Once I’ve gotten dressed and am looking good, I look at myself in the mirror, think about how awesome I am, get really fucking serious, and then say it. “Straight cash, homey.” Maybe yours could be “I’m the Beanstalk, Jack” since you’re tall. Never leave home without it.”

Not sure about his suggestion. I’m thinking maybe, “Financial aid, dog” or something like that. Here’s the origin story of that quote:

Boobs

28 Jan

He’s intent on me going to Mardi Gras. But with no car and little money, not sure how this would be possible. Anyway, he sent this photo to remind me:

“Go to Mardi Gras you idiot! Look how happy things are there!”

Not safe for work haha

 

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