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Feel The Breeze

9 Jul

But only after doing something terrible and/or sad:

“It’s good to give yourself a moment where a nice breeze feels welcome, feels worth it– like a reward. So do something that warrants rolling the windows down and sticking your arm out the window every now and then. I recommend going to jail for a night, spending a week in a hospital, or serving a term in Afghanistan.”

An excellent policy. But will anyone listen?


Putting Things In Perspective

3 Apr

in a really weird way…

“A guy in my building (and I won’t say what race he is because I don’t see color and you’re racist) just told me about the time he was in prison and how it’s hard for him to sleep now because when you’re in prison sometimes you wake up to the sound of someone being either raped or murdered. Not surprisingly, that had a SOUR PATCH KIDS effect on his sleep schedule. I asked if he was able to purchase or obtain ear plugs, and he said that it was easier to get heroin than earplugs, but that he did manage to eventually steal some earplugs from the “guards’ commissary.” So if you’re ever feeling like everything sucks and you’ve got it bad, just remember that you could be stealing earplugs so you don’t have to hear rape sounds. Wait never mind, you live in a fraternity house, you’re used to rape sounds. ZING!” 

Weirdest way to mention Sour Patch Kids I've ever heard.

I Got Arrested

28 Nov

Not him. Me. And not even with him. With a couple friends on my last night here so I missed my flight back to school and guess what? My Dad is furious! Minor in Possession and Public Intoxication. It turns out you shouldn’t piss on the side of a building when you’re drunk and not even 21, especially when there’s a cop just sitting in his car like 30 feet away. Small town drunk tanks are boring and sad on Sunday nights. 

Flying back to school now and I might have to come back home in a month or so because we got a lawyer and maybe we can get some charges dropped or something. I don’t know except that I’m fucked and my brother is really proud:

“Mom told me what happened. She sounded drunk. Congrats on finally becoming a man. Call me ASAP when you’re out of Dad’s clutches.”

I’ll keep the world posted on here too. I’m an idiot. 

Dress Code

21 Oct

How to plan for your weekend attire:

“A great way to decide what clothes you should wear out on a Friday night is to ask yourself: “Would I want to wear these clothes in jail ?” The answer MIGHT be revealing.”

Good Times To Read

13 Oct

Its never to late to start reading the classics…

“Hanging out with my neighbor at 3AM (always a bad idea) and he says to me, “I always figured I’d start reading books again when I got sober, or if I went to jail.” I instinctively agreed aloud, and then realized that it wasn’t because I was trying to make him feel better, but rather, because I literally had thought the same thing. Then I got sad, went home, drank a beer and watched SportsCenter.”

Who needs books?


For Break-Ins And Escapes

1 Jun

This is such a supremely amazing waste of his work time that I kind of can’t believe it…

“Dude! I just realized that I’ve never told you how to get over a barbed wire fence! So sorry bro. Hope this isn’t too late–

 At some point or another in your life, you’re gonna have to get over a barbed wire fence. Did you know that barbed wire fences cover approximately 92% of the United States? They don’t, but it sure feels like it sometimes, am I right? Hopefully you’ll use these tips to break INTO somewhere, and not OUT OF, because that would mean you were in some sort of secret rape tribunal and I’d be all on the news like “Let my brother go!” with a bunch of big fat black women with me (for effect). Anyway, there are a lot of theories about what the best way to get over barbed wire is. But they’re all just that– theories. You don’t need to look for an uneven section of fence, or throw a rug over the wires (what are you Persian???) or cut through the fence with bolt cutters. It turns out that the best way to get over a barbed wire fence is the old fashioned way– Naked. Clothes often get caught on the barbs, but skin doesn’t- the barbs just slice right through it. Center your chi force energy beforehand– just kidding, get drunk– strip down (you can keep your underwear on if you don’t want your pussy to get scratched) and then just scale that bitch. One time my dick got caught in the barbs but I didn’t even notice until I started running. Because my dick is super long. Artist’s depiction attached.

 All of the other methods take too much time. This one gets you over in like ten seconds, and sure you’re bleeding, but injuries always make you tougher, and chicks love scars. Especially ones that look like you were mauled by a panther. I know what you’re thinking in your baby voice– “But my clothes would be on the other side of the fence! Waaaah!” Well, how about this– FUCK YOU YA FUCKING CRIMINAL!!!!!” 

And here it is folks: A drawing of “the time he got his dick stuck in barbed wire.” 

I guess the colorful blob is his clothes?


Know Who To Trust

3 May

I think that in this case it would be obvious but I guess not. He sent this photo this morning:

“Hired this guy as my lawyer and he totally screwed up the case. Never saw that coming. Back to jail I go! I guess the bottom line here is– never trust someone to help you if they drive a shittier car than you. PS what did I tell you about the Ivy League??? Sure did a lot for this fuckhead.” 

I'm gonna have to hire a lawyer to get a restraining order on my Dad if I do as bad as I think I'm going to this semester.

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