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One Of Our Great Thinkers

7 May

he is…

“Two new inventions. Okay, neither of them are inventions, but they’re both fucking groundbreaking ideas. One– I should have a TV show where I give people advice on how to save money (steal stuff) and overcome obstacles (immediately scream and press the # button 400 times on customer service calls to reach an operator). Two– We should take all the American kids with lisps and send them to Barcelona. You’ve never been, but Barcelona people all do their S’s and C’s like American kids with lisps (“Barthelona” ughhhhh), so we can take all those kids who we all hate because they’re different, and ship them off to a place where everyone’s as gay as they are. And of course I mean gay in the colloquial sense, as in “something I hate.” Please get started on these “inventions” immediately. Thanks in advance.”

Sometimes you just type “Barcelona Girls” into Google Images and have a fun 30 minutes,


Morning Meltdown

28 Feb

He’s mention this “invention” to me before, but not with such detail…

“Woke up this morning with such a raging boner that it was literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to urinate the normal way. I spent a few minutes kicking myself for not inventing my buddy Mike’s idea– the “Morning Wood Urination Station” – which of course is just a pull up bar with feet straps that hangs you upside down over the toilet so you can pee properly. Because I didn’t have the guts or the time to invent such a complicated piece of machinery, and with RAGING boner in such a dire situation, I did the only thing I could. I knocked on my neighbor across the hall’s door and asked her if I could start peeing from her apartment. The process would be simple. Since my toilet is 25 feet directly centered in front of my front door, and her’s is directly across from that, I would begin urinating from inside her apartment and then “walk my boner in” towards my own toilet as the power of the urine began to make it wilt. But for some reason, she couldn’t wrap her pretty little head around that idea, and now supposedly “the cops are coming you freak!!!” or so she says. Another day another lawsuit, that’s what I always say.”

That’s what he always says…

Creepy and funny, just like him!

Hoodies And Heroin

12 Feb

They were both on his mind this morning…

“Last night while sitting alone bitching to my armchair about women and the high cost of living (which ain’t nothin’ like the cost of living high– copyright Jamey Johnson), I saw a commercial for the new Snuggie thing, which is called the “Hoodie-Footie.” Have you seen this thing? Who the fuck is wearing this? I could only see myself in it if I was quitting heroin and needed to just be covered in endless, flammable fuzz for 90 straight days while I cried into the pink fabric and made my apology phonecalls into a go-phone. Why not add gloves too? Who needs hands when you’re hallucinating? In fact, just sell me a colorful fuzzy sleeping bag and call it “The Rehabilitator” and I’ll bite. Can you get on that? I’m like an invention machine recently!!!” 

It's $80! Seriously.

And if you want to hear the song he mentioned and stare at a picture of a weird dude, here you go:

More Inventions And TV Show Ideas

7 Feb

from the world’s smartest alcoholic/drug addict:

“Saw an ad last night for a new Nat Geo (fuck full words!) reality TV show called “Doomsday Preppers,” which I assume is about people who don’t have any friends. But it gave me an idea for my new reality TV show: HORNY SPELUNKERS. Here’s a sample of some dialogue:

WEIRD GUY WITH A BEARD: This cave is sooooo deep. I wanna fuck something!

Pretty good, right? So anyway I’ve got that going for me. Also came up with a new company I want you to help me run. It’s called TRIPLE-B. It’s a lot like Triple-A, except slightly less effective. Our slogan will be “Maybe!” So get in there and start taking some business classes because I only know how to steal money, not raise it.”

Looks like the website already has him beat.


He’s An Entrepreneur

9 Nov

A genius, a visionary, etc…

“New hotel idea– Three Seasons. Slightly cheaper than Four Seasons. Boom! I’ll get the paperwork started.”

Watch your back, fancy place.


On Inventors, Time Machines and Chicks

7 Oct

This is how he spends his Fridays sometimes:

“I was just thinking that if you could hang out with some old timey famous people like Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson nowadays, it would actually probably be really annoying because they’d never stop bragging about how all their awesome inventions are still so important to us nowadays. They’d never shut up about it I bet. Probably go something like this:

ME: So what do you guys want to do today?

BEN FRANKLIN: Not sure, but I bet it will involve electricity, like everything else on Earth does!

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Perhaps we could eat some macaroni while sitting in swivel chairs!

(then both guys laugh hysterically for a minute)

BEN FRANKLIN: I don’t know, Thomas, could you write up a proposal which I’ll review wearing these BI-FOCALS?!?!?!

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Sure, I’ll make you both a copy on my DUPLICATING MACHINE!!!!!

(they both laugh hysterically again)

ME: Okay guys, I get it. You invented tons of shit. Can you stop bragging about it?

BEN FRANKLIN: You shouldn’t have gotten us stoned. I get arrogant when I’m stoned.

ME: How would I know that? We just met when you arrived in this fucking time machine.

BEN FRANKLIN: Powered by electricity!


BEN FRANKLIN: Now, good sir. How about we find us some of that- what was it you called the lady parts again?

ME: Pussy.

BEN FRANKLIN: Yes- “Pussy!” What a hilarious name for it. We used to call it “Satan’s Pocket Purse.”

ME: Yeah, there’s a bar up the street. And yes, Thomas, we can count our steps using a fucking Pedometer, okay? 

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Thank you, good sir. Just one more thing- do you think there will be any women of ebony complexion at this “bar” you speak of?

(Then we all laugh hysterically because everyone knows that TJ loves black chicks)”

High as fuck, thinking about macaroni and black chicks.


Foodie Update

28 Jun

He’s a foodie, remember? 

“Hey fat people– Do you want a big fucking bowl of afternoon ice cream but know that your co-workers will judge you? Then try this gum! I’ve been screaming for years that someone should invent beer flavored gum, and vodka-soda and gin-and-tonic flavored gum, and then you could sponsor it out and go Jack-and-Coke flavored gum. It wouldn’t have to contain alcohol and I think it could maybe help alkies kick the habit through delicious gum. As a side note, I also think there should be rotisserie chicken flavored cigarettes. Can you look into inventing some of these this Summer? Ask someone in the Science Lab if it’s possible. The beer and alcohol gum would need to have that fizzy property to it or else it’s no good, FYI.”

I will be sure to “ask someone in the science lab” about that right away. Here’s the photo he sent:


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