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Rest In Peace

13 Feb

To his genitals…

“Well, it finally happened. I blew my dick off. I was driving around bumping “Sketches of Spain” by Miles Davis and then “The Great Milenko” by ICP just to even things out, and I was smoking a bong by myself because I’m a sad, lonely rebel… and I had my lighter tucked under my balls for quick access… and I farted. The ensuing explosion destroyed my driver’s seat and also blew my nuggets to smithereens. So I guess I have to start doing heroin now like DJ AM. Rest in Peace homies.” 

Actual photo of the accident.

Actual photo of the accident.

Safety First

15 Oct

Style second. He sent this message and video:

“For people too cool to wear bike helmets, but not cool enough to die.”

That Time

20 Sep

of the day, the week, the month, whatever…

“It’s completely unfair that women are allowed a period of time each month (see what I did there???) where they act completely crazy, make no sense and are overly emotional… but when I do that exact same thing once a week I have to go to a doctor and take tests and medicine because I’m “bipolar.” What if I’m just having my Penis Period? Nothing’s bleeding because I’m not weak, but maybe… just maybe… my soul is bleeding a little bit. Sure feels like it. Where is the soul, anyway? Your lower back? That’s where it hurts.”

Shake It

15 Aug

like a Polaroid picture…

“Just got my hand broken in half by a client because I forgot that he’s a monster from the future who breaks every man’s hand he shakes. Most of the time, if a dude shakes your hand really hard it’s because he’s an insecure piece of shit with a small dick. But every now and then, like 10% of the time, a barrel chested dude comes around with forearms like Lil Abner and palms made of sandpaper and shakes the living fuck out of your hand because he knows no other way to live. These men are American treasures, and as you ice your hand later on, cherish the pain as a representation of all that we’re capable of as human beings.”

You could get your hand broke by a fella like this.

Feel The Breeze

9 Jul

But only after doing something terrible and/or sad:

“It’s good to give yourself a moment where a nice breeze feels welcome, feels worth it– like a reward. So do something that warrants rolling the windows down and sticking your arm out the window every now and then. I recommend going to jail for a night, spending a week in a hospital, or serving a term in Afghanistan.”

An excellent policy. But will anyone listen?

Respect Your Elders

13 Jun

and cheer them up whichever way you know best…

“Gave myself an early bday present last night and banged an old woman like a judge’s gavel. Met her in a strip mall parking lot. She’d just lost in the finals of a Jazzercise tournament and was super bummed, so I spat some A Level Game and we were bumping wrinklies in less than an hour. She said I was the “Bee’s Knees” and I’m not hip to old people slang but I think she meant her knees stung from the carpet burns. AM I RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT??????”

The idea of not being “hip to old people slang” is funny to me. 

Hot as fuck.

“Great New Joke”

30 Apr

For a guy who says he wants me to get laid all the time, his pick up line advice is some of the worst…

“Great new joke to tell this coming weekend at a party. Totally out of nowhere, in one of those moments where a conversation within a group naturally falls silent, lean forward and say “More like Vincent van Stop– Don’t cut your ear off dude!” Make sure you have condoms in your pocket because a couple of the girls present will probably just fuck you right on the spot. You’re welcome!”

He makes a bandage just like my brother does.

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