Until your old shitty body says it is. This makes me so sad about getting older:
“Oh I’m sorry dick and bladder, I figured we were done peeing when you completely stopped peeing and let me zip up my cool new summer shorts and walk back to the living room. But then you were all like, “Oh wait! One more teaspoon!” Who pees their pants? Men do. Because as any good man can tell you, “Please someone kill me now I thought it would be better than this.” Anyway, sure you’re having a fun night not pissing yourself. Congrats, Cocktongue Baby. PS that was a U2 joke which makes me even sadder.”
Thumbs up for incontinence!
He does it, and god dammit so can you!
“I’ve been feeling really down recently because the doctors keep telling me I’m “going to die soon” and “you have Aidsthma!” so I haven’t been going out or having fun like my usual self. Then it hit me. It wasn’t my Aidsthma acting up that was making me sad, it was that I somehow hadn’t listened to rap music for a week! So I put the video for “Oh” by Ciara (f/ Ludacris) on, danced around, thought about how cool I am, exploded some crazy liquid everywhere from my Schlamson Rod, and now I’m better. Don’t ever NOT listen to rap music for more than three days.”
This chick is hot in the weirdest way. Like I want to do pull-ups with her:
I’ve been trying all morning to figure out how to post this and I’ve finally got it. He left me this voicemail at 3AM his time last night. He’s always loved doing the SportsCenter guy’s voice…
This covers that in the darkest way possible…
“The best thing ever is when a Target is right next to a Bed Bath and Beyond so that you can comparison shop and see if that 20% off coupon is really a better deal than Target’s normal prices. And after that you can get in your car, turn on some Elliot Smith and dig your house keys into your arm really hard until you start bleeding. Fun times!”
A nice double whammy for when you start crying after the self-mutilation.
He’s for it, but only if you mean it…
“This whole Alabama Teabagger story (which incidentally was the name of my first band) got me thinking. One, don’t ever teabag anyone. It’s just weird. Why would you take your nuts out and put them on another man’s face? Two, the guy who does this preposterously homosexual act looks exactly like every tough-talking idiot homophobe I’ve ever met in my life, the kind of guy who says stuff like “I don’t wanna see any gay shit” with regard to homosexuals. Which begs the question that Louis CK has talked about before– How often do you really “see any gay shit” happening? I’ve never been late to work because two guys were 69ing on the hood of my Volvo, so I had to drive super slow until they both finished at once and exploded into Unicorn paste. The likelihood that you’ll actually ever “see any gay shit” is really, incredibly low… unless you want to. But these guys are always talking about it, and then when they get too much of the truth serum in them, they take their testicles out and put them on other men’s faces, thereby exposing themselves twofold to some “gay shit.” In summation, if you’re going to be gay, just go ahead and be gay. Don’t grow a mustache, get married, have a kid, work at a sporting goods store, talk shit about people who are gay all day, and then do THE GAYEST SHIT EVER when you’re drunk. Just cut to the chase and start sucking dicks at an early age. You’ll save us straight perverts a lot of time, which we will promptly use to fuck your wife. Seacrest out!”
If you’re not familiar with this story, here it is: