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On Money And Women

29 Nov

Tough week last week. Had a death in the family hence the lack of posts. Back in action now with all the dickheaded things we normally post! His take on the Thanksgiving football games was this…

“Please to review the attached photo of the owner of the Jets, Woody Johnson. He is 4’6″ tall and looks like a troll I met under a bridge when I was on mushrooms in 2001. His sons are both retarded because you can’t mate with a troll and expect anything less. But what else do you see? A hot wife. And why? Because ALL WOMEN CARE ABOUT IS FEELING SAFE. And shit tons of money makes everyone feel safe. Look how happy this chick is, even though she had to peel back nine inches of troll foreskin to find his one inch dick– TWICE! She doesn’t give a fuck though. Just remember that. If you can make women feel safe, you can have all the women you want. That’s why hideously ugly tall guys have hot girlfriends and why I bang hot chicks every week even though I have very serious emotional problems, many of which are currently undiagnosed because I refuse to be honest with the doctors.” 

Here’s the photo in question:

Just to clarify, he is not a troll and his children are not retarded. But his wife is a money grubbing piece of skirt steak. That part was true.

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Eat The 99%

28 Oct

That would be his slogan. Or maybe “Occupy That Fucking Park.” Anyway I’m hungover and hate everything so I agree with him…

“Look at this douchebag’s Prius. “99%” Oh yeah buddy. You’re part of the 99% except for the fact that you drive a Prius in America and are probably white and can also probably read and write and have three square meals a day and shelter and not AIDS. Oh wait, YOU ARE THE 1% YOU UNGRATEFUL, COMPLAINING, CRYBABY FUCK! PS wash your car it looks like shit.”

Here is the douchebag’s Prius in question:

Look on the douchebag's dashboard...

Here’s To France

14 Jul

A country he hates more than any other…

“Happy Bastille Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you recall your History class, Bastille Day celebrates the first and only time in history that a French man, Jean Bastille Briebreaux, did a pushup. Thousands of Frenchmen have attempted to repeat this feat in the centuries since, but to no avail. So remember to leg-sweep any and all French people you see today as a manner of showing respect. But don’t help them up because they’re disgusting and their stench will just get all over your perfect American hands.”

He told me recently that his ex-girlfriend is dating a French guy, so I’m guessing this is where the anger comes from. But he doesn’t really need a reason to be angry when their people look like this:

Is he an an arboretum? What a douche.

Cat Fight

22 May

Looks like he had one…

“Check this shit out dude. Evidence of why you should never hang out with a Malaysian girl. They are fucking DANGEROUS. One minute it was “Please fuck me in the bathroom”, then it was “GROWL STAB CUT!!!”, then “Suck my pussy at the stoplight,” then she would be all “KILL DESTROY SCREAM!!!” Plus she had a speech impediment disguised as an “accent,” not unlike all Bostonians. I made her get out of my car so I could drunk drive alone. And this is why we fight all these wars, man. Non-Americans are dangerous. And PS if you notice, I took the photos while peeing- BECAUSE I’M BOSS.” 

Here are the two photos he emailed. I think he’s being dramatic. Funny but dramatic:

Slice!

You can actually see the stream of urine.

Sizzlin’

18 May

Bear with me folks. I have a lot going on and most of it sucks. FML. For now, enjoy yet another dissection of a commercial by him…

“What’s up with that fucking Applebee’s commercial with the sizzling platters? You can’t just make everything sizzle. Sizzling is for fajitas only! Anyway, it’s the most amazing  cast in commercial history. First off, the waiter is like Dane Cook’s faggety little brother or something, and the alien black man from 1989 says something no black man has ever said, “I’m telling you, it was drop dead…” before the sweet sounds and smells of the sizzling platters break his concentration. What was he about to say, “Drop dead funky?” Then he and his douche friend’s heads turn like Chris Farley and Adam Sandler in the classic “Schmitt’s Gay” commercial from SNL (http://www.iviewtube.com/videos/178304/snl-classic-skit-schmitts-gay-beer-commercial). Then we’re on another table, where a group of interracial friends are talking and the black woman says “So Joey says to the guy…” but then SHE’s distracted by the sizzling too! First off, what did Joey say to the guy, huh? “Get thafuckouttahere!” Was that it? Or maybe “Hey gimme some salami!” or something sandwich related? Or is just that no black woman in history has ever even met a Joey, let alone possessed a conversational anecdote about him? No matter, the coup de grace comes shortly thereafter, when we get a good look at the platters the stomach-rapists at Applebee’s are selling. The winner has to be the “Sizzling Smokehouse Chicken Stack” which appears to be two chicken breasts topped with ham and bacon, and then topped again with melted cheese. I’m guessing that comes in at right around 2,200 calories and 55 grams of fat. Can’t wait to take that to Pound Town! And at only $8.99? Nothing suspicious about that! Anyway, the commercial ends with a bunch of hip and beautiful European people pointing at the screen and laughing. BUT WE GOT OSAMA YOU SHIT-HEELS!!!!! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!”

Here it is: 


Love Letters

26 Apr

With last night’s “cameras” email and now this scanned letter he sent to like ten people, I fear he’s off the deep end like never before…

“Gay people– Wanted to get your thoughts on this letter before I give it to the new girl at my office. Too much? Too little? Any feedback would be appreciated.” 

Pretty sure our grandpa never said that.

Don’t Play The Hater

11 Feb

He’s so upbeat:

“You know who I hate? Everyone on Earth. You know why? Because I fucking hate them you asshole, don’t ask questions just get off my back I’m vulnerable right now!!!! Jesus!”

And Mom wonders why none of his relationships work out.

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