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Think Before You Write

30 Jul

a letter to a chemical company…

“Got a few lines into into a complaint letter to Excedrin last night because it wasn’t getting rid of my headache and then I realized I’d ingested, in order:

3 beers

2 pot brownies

2 margaritas

4 glasses of red wine

5 more beers

and 20 cigarettes sprinkled in

and then, 2 Excedrin. 

So I stopped writing the letter. But here it is:




Win Some, Lose Some

17 Jul

And sometimes you wonder if someone’s insane…

“Some days I’m all like, “Hey fifteen year old self– Don’t do all that acid you’re about to do. It’ll make you cuckoo when you’re older!” But then the lady in line at Starbucks next me is usually all like, “What?” and then I just go back to whistling. Nothing to see here, folks. Just a human wearing clothes, standing in a row waiting for some of that brown liquid we all enjoy so much! I’m not crying. I’m sweating. You’re the one who’s crying!” 

Stairway to Hell

What To Wear

11 Jun

He sent this yesterday and I forgot to post it. Another fashion/drugs lesson…

“Was wearing my white v-neck t-shirt today because I like to remind women that I too could make milk from my breasts if I felt like it (nipple joke, high five), and this chick told me that “All women are suckers for a white v-neck t-shirt on a guy.” I smiled, gently touched her arm to remind her of her father, and said, “Wait til you see me out of it.” What I meant was, “These mushrooms are about to kick in and I’m going to REALLY be out of it,” but she thought I meant sexual stuff, so I ended up popping my 13th and hopefully final “Tripping Balls Boner” and fucking her brains out, literally as far as I could tell since my boner was a giant sword made out of boxes of girl scout cookies and the game Simon Says for a head. I’m guessing she’s alright because she texted me “Wow” a couple times after. That or “Mom.” I couldn’t tell which side of my phone was the bottom anymore.”

I thought he swore off mushrooms, but this like anything he sends could be a lie, leaving us nowhere. 

Kid don’t touch that its a giant head of a penis!

Just Say Whoa

1 Jul

He sent a link to a pretty amazing Youtube clip (below) and said the following:

“This guy proves the age old adage that if your floor is all of a sudden covered in snakes, just go ahead and jump out the window while your girlfriend has a seizure on the couch. But the most important thing to glean from this video is that people who have a poster on their wall of the Cirque du Soleil show they went to are VERY, VERY STUPID AND DANGEROUS. Everything’s fine until the 1:12 mark, when he drops his lighter onto his poorly installed wood flooring and it makes a sound that he mistakes for an unstoppable Tiger-Demon named Snarl. Check it out” 

Watch to the end:

A Treatise on Hallucinating

11 May

No other way to describe it. I told him I was thinking of tripping w a friend after finals and he got all excited and said he would email me something. Back to the books for me…

College is the only time in life that people really, truly enjoy hallucinating. You’re too young to have your trip ruined by all the troubles and pressures of the real world, and just old enough to have truly mind-expanding, deep thoughts, so take advantage of this small window and accept that weird guy on your hall’s offer to “trip balls” with him this weekend in the woods. But don’t take acid. Acid is too often cut with other, speedier drugs and sometimes, gulp… rat poison, no joke. Acid is also often made by people who legitimately think Pantera is a good band. These people are bad, and wrong. The last time I ate acid I ended up crying in a Steak-N-Shake in Indianapolis because my chili bowl was full of maggots and my teeth were bleeding. Oh God how I wish that was a lie. Instead of acid, try mushrooms or mescaline, a much smoother, calmer way to completely (temporarily) lose your mind. Once you’re on the horse, remember this most important bit of advice: Nothing is as serious as it seems, and you WILL feel normal again, eventually. I once called the cops on myself because I couldn’t get the VCR to work and thought the bookshelves were screaming at me as a result. I learned that not only was that incorrect, but also that NO ONE needs to watch the movie Krull that badly. And PS, you can also always drink your way back to sanity if things get to be too much for you.

 Now, if you’re really taking it to the limit and doing the amount of drugs you probably should be in order to have an awesome time, there will inevitably be a few moments where you’re paranoid enough about reality to need to hide in a closet and cry. But don’t worry– you’re not alone! This happens to the best of ‘em, myself included. Heck, at one point in my life (I call it “All of 2001”) I truly believed that the government had implanted microphones in the ears and cameras in the eyes of all the squirrels on my campus. I called them BABY LINKIES, an acronym that’s far too complicated for me to explain to you right now. Do you have a week? I mean… Despite the ample evidence I presented at a Supreme Court Trial (drawing attached) including dozens of witnesses, cats who could read the newspaper, etc., it turned out that I was just really high and confused. Oh well! 

So be careful, and seriously, call me if you need anything while you’re tripping. I can probably help, and you can totally put me on speaker and I’ll make weird funny noises. Good luck!”

His Steak & Shake acid trip was mentioned once before:

This was the drawing he attached:

Is it me or is he getting progressively weirder?

Love Letters

26 Apr

With last night’s “cameras” email and now this scanned letter he sent to like ten people, I fear he’s off the deep end like never before…

“Gay people– Wanted to get your thoughts on this letter before I give it to the new girl at my office. Too much? Too little? Any feedback would be appreciated.” 

Pretty sure our grandpa never said that.

Something To Look Forward To

10 Mar

I guess…

“I’m going to work my hardest in Vegas so that when you get home from our trip you start crying at the mere sight of your bed. And not because of sadness– because of a deep, profound happiness having experienced a side of life you thought only NBA Players and 1980’s Hair Metal Bands lived. And also because you won’t have slept for 4.5 days, so you’ll be hallucinating that the bed is actually the face of a dragon named Kenmore. Fall into his hot wet mouth my boy– slumber awaits!!!!!!!!!!”

Who the fuck would name a dragon Kenmore?

Artist's Rendition


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