And sometimes you wonder if someone’s insane…
“Some days I’m all like, “Hey fifteen year old self– Don’t do all that acid you’re about to do. It’ll make you cuckoo when you’re older!” But then the lady in line at Starbucks next me is usually all like, “What?” and then I just go back to whistling. Nothing to see here, folks. Just a human wearing clothes, standing in a row waiting for some of that brown liquid we all enjoy so much! I’m not crying. I’m sweating. You’re the one who’s crying!”
Stairway to Hell
He sent this yesterday and I forgot to post it. Another fashion/drugs lesson…
“Was wearing my white v-neck t-shirt today because I like to remind women that I too could make milk from my breasts if I felt like it (nipple joke, high five), and this chick told me that “All women are suckers for a white v-neck t-shirt on a guy.” I smiled, gently touched her arm to remind her of her father, and said, “Wait til you see me out of it.” What I meant was, “These mushrooms are about to kick in and I’m going to REALLY be out of it,” but she thought I meant sexual stuff, so I ended up popping my 13th and hopefully final “Tripping Balls Boner” and fucking her brains out, literally as far as I could tell since my boner was a giant sword made out of boxes of girl scout cookies and the game Simon Says for a head. I’m guessing she’s alright because she texted me “Wow” a couple times after. That or “Mom.” I couldn’t tell which side of my phone was the bottom anymore.”
I thought he swore off mushrooms, but this like anything he sends could be a lie, leaving us nowhere.
Kid don’t touch that its a giant head of a penis!
He sent a link to a pretty amazing Youtube clip (below) and said the following:
“This guy proves the age old adage that if your floor is all of a sudden covered in snakes, just go ahead and jump out the window while your girlfriend has a seizure on the couch. But the most important thing to glean from this video is that people who have a poster on their wall of the Cirque du Soleil show they went to are VERY, VERY STUPID AND DANGEROUS. Everything’s fine until the 1:12 mark, when he drops his lighter onto his poorly installed wood flooring and it makes a sound that he mistakes for an unstoppable Tiger-Demon named Snarl. Check it out”
Watch to the end:
With last night’s “cameras” email and now this scanned letter he sent to like ten people, I fear he’s off the deep end like never before…
“Gay people– Wanted to get your thoughts on this letter before I give it to the new girl at my office. Too much? Too little? Any feedback would be appreciated.”
Pretty sure our grandpa never said that.
“I’m going to work my hardest in Vegas so that when you get home from our trip you start crying at the mere sight of your bed. And not because of sadness– because of a deep, profound happiness having experienced a side of life you thought only NBA Players and 1980’s Hair Metal Bands lived. And also because you won’t have slept for 4.5 days, so you’ll be hallucinating that the bed is actually the face of a dragon named Kenmore. Fall into his hot wet mouth my boy– slumber awaits!!!!!!!!!!”
Who the fuck would name a dragon Kenmore?