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A Day Late And A Dollar Short

7 Nov

And also, totally nonsensical…

“Figures that a week after Halloween I’d come up with the greatest costume ever. File this under “FUCK YEAH” for next year. Here’s what you do– Dress up like a bong by making a transparent green cylinder that wraps around your body with a hole cut out at the top, for your face, and also right at your crotch (where the slide would go in a bong). Then take some Viagra so you’ve got a raging boner that fits perfectly out the slide hole, and walk around all night asking ladies if they want to light you up. Then wink. Always wink after you say something awesome. One time people thought I had Tourette’s because I said like a hundred awesome things in a row and had to keep winking. Anyway, you’re welcome for the costume idea.”

Wouldn’t that be offering to get your dick lit on fire all night? Maybe he’s into that kind of stuff now…


Playing Dress Up

31 Oct

in the sneakiest way possible…

“Dressed up in a totally normal outfit for work for Halloween today and everyone’s all like “What the Hell? Why didn’t you dress up???” and then I’m all like, “I did. I’m dressed as a bad boss.” And then I grab their private parts and wink. Always keep people on their toes.”

Will do! 

Looking Forward To It

14 May

so long as no one kills me before my time…

“My buddy just looked at me in all-seriousness and said “So are we ever gonna do blackface for Halloween or what?” This is the kind of thing you have to look forward to when you’re older. Standing on a friend’s balcony smoking cigarettes, your knee in a brace because you tried to get laid at a yoga class, your married friend asking you if you’ll PLEASE bring some excitement to his life by doing one of the most racist things you can ever do. Yep, that’s it. 

PS we decided on Indianface and I’m going to carry a tarp behind me with tears drawn on it that I won’t let anyone step on. “Trail of Tears, bro!” Welcome to your future.”

And as usual, that sounds terrible. Let’s all get drunk tonight in memory of my brother’s fun life. 

That Max Standley sure can capture the essence of suffering.

Happy Halloween

31 Oct

He sent me this photo today. I didn’t follow much of his advice at all… maybe none. And guess what? I didn’t get laid. I hate that he might have been right. About anything. Ever.


I feel more like this today.

Picture This

29 Oct

I love that he just has these photos lying around still on his computer. I hope he doesn’t look at them all the time. That might be pathetic.

“Hey dude. Just found this photo from my freshman year Halloween. That’s me on the ground. Just kidding. I’m white. But to give you an idea of how awesome Halloween is, I thought I’d send this along. I was at a party and this big biker dude came up to me and said “I think you oughta go outside.” I figured he was going to rape me, but for some reason I went anyway, and look what I found! Have a good night (faggot)!”

We should have a caption contest for this...

Dressing the Part

14 Oct

I had no idea that Halloween was so important.

“Dude. I hope that you understand how important Halloween is and that you’re getting ready. Halloween is potentially the greatest single night of the year. It’s the night that every year manages to single-handedly hit the reset button on the feminist movement as every occupation and magical character known to man gets the “Slutty” prefix on it. You know how women always say they want a guy who’s a “good listener”? Well that’s only half the truth. What women want (besides being a great Mel Gibson movie) is for men to pay attention to them, and nothing proves this more than Halloween. What you need to understand is that amidst the attention-whoring, the inhibitions are being freed, and this is very important. It’s as if the gate to Pussytown somehow gets jammed open and all the guards fall asleep ON THE SAME NIGHT!!!!!

You’re going to want to choose a costume that kicks serious ass while also being original, because that will get you in the most conversations, and conversations invariably lead to pussy. Here are some tips:

  • Pick a costume that is clever, but that people will understand or recognize without you having to explain too much. Having to explain yourself all night is annoying.
  • Don’t be too “brainy” with your idea. It scares girls. Please refer to my previous emails on this subject.
  • Pick something that in some way reminds women of sex. One year I went as a guy in a shower. That reminds girls of being naked. Sex. Another year I went as a nihilist with a black turtleneck and black tights. You could see my bulge all night. Sex. Another year I went as a box with hair all over it. Hairy Box. Pussy. Sex. You get the idea?
  • Stay in character all night, no matter what. It confuses women, and when women are confused, they’re weak. I once threw on a basketball jersey I found behind a church I was doing community service at, put on a wig and told people I was a heroin addict who’s pro basketball career had fizzled out in Turkey. When girls asked me what year I was at the school, I told them I was 33 years old and asked what in the fuck they were talking about.
  • Make sure any girl you’re with stays in character too. It’s just more fun. I was once with a girl dressed as Britney Spears and I GOT SO MAD when she tried to take her wig off while we were fucking. So rude. I wrote a rap song about it called “Keep Your Wig On While I’m Fucking You” but it never got any traction on the radio.
  • Make sure to moderate your drinking and drug use so that you never get too wasted. People are going to take it to Poundtown that night, so if you stay somewhat lucid, you’ll win.

That’s all for now. As I think of more shit I’ll email. Peace out.”

Well there you have it. I need to come up with a cool costume that exudes sex but isn’t too brainy. How about veiny? I could just be a giant penis.

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