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Don’t Make Him

9 May

I think I pissed him off:

“I only drink two things: Coffee and Alcohol. I only smoke two things: Cigarettes and Weed. I only shoot two things: Hoops and Clay Pigeons. Don’t make me add a third, bitch.”

This shit ain't funny!

This shit ain’t funny!

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Pun Control

19 Dec

See what I did there? Genius…

“Working on a new rap song called, “I’ve Got A Hundred Round Clip and a Little-Ass Dick.” Should be a big hit.”

Phallic as fuck, dog.

Phallic as fuck, dog.

He Wrote A Speech

30 Aug

for the RNC. I approve…

“My speech was cut tonight at the Republucan National Convention, and I don’t understand why because it was mad short and MAD TRUE:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the President is black. Did you know that? It’s scary! Let’s get him out of here. He doesn’t understand people like us. We pulled ourselves up by our boot straps. The boots were purchased at Barney’s, and the straps were really nice and easy to pull up. In closing, the black president hates freedom. Guns!””

“Guns!”

Keep Her Safe

13 Aug

And reap the rewards?

“Went to a wedding in NYC over the weekend, and the Rabbi (I know, first the gays and now the Jews– what’s next???) officiating the wedding said that the biggest strength my friend the groom brought to the table was that he made the beautiful bride feel safe. Well, that sealed it for me. I’m gonna start carrying a gun everywhere, and you should too. Women just want to feel safe. And what the fuck is safer than a gun? Nothing, that’s what.” 

Seriously, what next guys?

An Offer We Can’t Refuse

14 Jun

All we need now is the government’s help…

“After reading that Jerry Sandusky called himself “The Tickle Monster” when he would rape kids, I’d like to reiterate my offer to The United States of America. I will fly myself to Pennsylvania, and upon arrival, be handed a loaded, gold plated Desert Eagle .45 handgun. Jerry Sandusky will be brought before me in an open field. I will “tickle him” repeatedly, then shoot his dick off, then his hands, then his feet. After that I’ll probably black out from glee (not the TV show, that’s later!) and anything’s fair game. Cum one, cum all!” 

Shoutout to Israel!

Belated Easter Greetings

9 Apr

from him to me and you…

“I was walking past a church today, super stoned because it was 11AM and you know, “time,” and I almost went in to celebrate how Jesus came back to life with machine guns for arms and shot EVERY SINGLE PERSON who fucked him over in the head, making sure to pull their pants down afterwards which everyone knows is a cool gang thing you do to disrespect a corpse, but then I got distracted by an ice cream truck which I mistakenly assumed was selling drugs. I’m sure the church was fine without me bursting in(to tears). Anyway, Happy Easter!”

This Christian musical artist already beat him to his theory.

The Solution

12 Mar

He sent this picture and the below

“Finally someone made a gun for people with multiple personalities to kill themselves– great knowing you bro!”

More bang for your buck.

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