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The Beard Chronicles Part One

31 Jan

He shaved his beard, and it warranted a multitude of talk…

“Decided to shave my beard tonight because I noticed it’s starting to get cool in society. Mixed results. Thought about suicide. Decided against it. A tip: If you’re planning on growing a beard and getting fat under it, get back in shape before you shave it off. I just got super stoned, shaved my beard off, realized I was fat and then played a game around my apartment with the mirrors called “Fat Gay Demon” where I pretended to get scared every time I saw myself.” 

The Lone Wolf

25 Jun

He prides himself on being one…

“I was partying with some weird people on Saturday and ended up going into a K-hole/passing out for so long in the exact same place without moving that my fucking Rolex stopped working! How funny is that? I was asleep for like 26 hours apparently. Fucking horse tranquilizer and Swiss perpetual motion technology. Not so perpetual, is it?!?!?!?! The consolation prize was this KICK-ASS LIGHTER I found in my car this morning. It’s like a sign from God that I’m meant to be alone, howling at the Double Moons and then closing one eye so they combine into a SINGLE MOON!”

Well that made no sense at all. Here’s the lighter he’s so proud of:

“BIC. Lighting drugs on fire since 1926.”

Icy

12 Apr

Mark another terrible subject heading on the board for me!

“You try to live right. You live hard, you live fast. But then you put a can of beer in the freezer, you take ONE LITTLE NAP, and the beer can breaks open because no matter how awesome you are, God still hates you.”

Belated Easter Greetings

9 Apr

from him to me and you…

“I was walking past a church today, super stoned because it was 11AM and you know, “time,” and I almost went in to celebrate how Jesus came back to life with machine guns for arms and shot EVERY SINGLE PERSON who fucked him over in the head, making sure to pull their pants down afterwards which everyone knows is a cool gang thing you do to disrespect a corpse, but then I got distracted by an ice cream truck which I mistakenly assumed was selling drugs. I’m sure the church was fine without me bursting in(to tears). Anyway, Happy Easter!”

This Christian musical artist already beat him to his theory.

Is It Possible…

13 Mar

to be insecure and have a God Complex at the same time? Maybe…

“Any girl who dates me needs to know that I require being reminded of how awesome I am once every three hours or so. What’s that? I’m insecure? Well then I guess Christ Jesus is insecure too because that motherfucker has people telling him how dope he is every day and twice on Sundays. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, cracker.”

Tough life, bro.

The Great Prognosticator

4 Jan

He sent this list of his “Top Ten Predictions for 2012” so I added some pictures to it. I’m really bored. Click on this little guy for fun:

2012 top ten

Somehow I Missed This

23 Nov

And I’m sorry. He wrote a letter to God after that crazy Denver Broncos game and sent it to my old email that I rarely check, not my school email for some reason. He also sent it to like 50 other people including our Dad.  Its crazy:

“Dear God,

Thank you for coming down from the Heavens, or up from the pool, and taking on the human vessel of Tim Tebow tonight. Previously I’d thought that Tim was just an evangelical heartthrob, sent here to use his sharp nose to cut a circular hole in the glass box around my heart and unleash it upon the World to spread Your love. But no longer. Now I understand that he IS YOU, because no one could have possibly played such a boring, terrible game and still given me a raging Christ boner the entire time. And please, before you freak out– I DON’T MEAN THAT IN A NASTY WAY. No Romo, God, no Romo. I just appreciate the time you took to play an entire game of football when there are people dying in that one country and shooting in that other country that I’ll NEVER GO TO, even if the hottest half-black/half-white/half Egyptian jazz singer with C cup tits and ass for days and the ability to give me multiple orgasms invited me to go there. You wanted to prove a point. A point that no matter how much people tell you that you suck– that you can’t throw or dance or cry on command or shoplift under heavy surveillance– they’re wrong. You can do whatever you want. You can win games as a quarterback even if you suck at playing quarterback. You’ve taught us all an important lesson tonight, God. Thx!”

Our Dad somehow figured out how to reply to me and him only, and wrote: “What is this all about?” to which my brother responded “It’s a salad recipe. WTF.” I think that sets the stage perfectly for tomorrow. 

I just got a Tebowner.

Here’s a recap of the game if you’re not familiar with what happened: http://espn.go.com/new-york/nfl/recap?gameId=311117007

Meanwhile, this idiot agrees with my brother: http://townhall.com/columnists/michaelbrown/2011/11/23/is_god_performing_football_miracles_for_tim_tebow

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