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“The Time I Fucked A Brazilian Girl.”

12 Jul

No need to preface this anymore than that, except maybe to say that I wish that you could all write him personal thank you letters for this…

“Seeing as you’re heading back home soon, and that I’m drunk, I think it’s high time I told you arguably the most important story of my life. The story of the time I fucked a Brazilian girl. If you ever have the golden opportunity to meet a Brazilian girl, pop that boner as fast as you can, it’s going to be a wild night. I was home from college after my sophomore year and I met a gorgeous Brazilian girl at a party. She was all Brazilian and hot and shit, and so I was hitting on her, you know, because I like to fuck chicks, and we were out on the porch and all of a sudden she goes, “Do you mind if I do something very Brazilian?” And I was thinking, shit this can’t be bad. Worst case scenario is it’s some black magic voodoo shit and I turn into a snake but, at least that would be interesting, ya know? Snakes don’t have homework, that’s for sure. Anyway, I said, no, go ahead, and she grabbed me and kissed me, all manly like, moving my body around and grabbing my shoulders and shit like I’d imagine a man would if he were kissing me. And I was like, fuck yeah. And then she goes, “where can we go?” And I thought real long and hard about that one, because we weren’t anywhere near our house, and I didn’t own a car at the time, I was borrowing Mom’s because my license was suspended for being awesome (technically reckless endangerment but that’s a story for another time). So I thought and thought, and then I said, “We can go to my Mom’s Geo Prizm.” My Mom’s Geo Prizm. Do you realize how terrible of a line that is? If there were pussy-getting line rankings Hall of Shame, it would be in between “I own thirty two cats” and “I have herpes.” But here’s how slutty and awesome Brazilians are: She said yes. So we went back there to Mom’s Prizm (do you remember that piece of shit car???), and I flipped the seats down and boy, we really went after it. A few times. I mean… we just KEPT FUCKING! And no, Dad, I didn’t wear a condom. Instead I just prayed to Jesus that I wouldn’t catch anything or get this chick pregnant. She had some moves too that made me question whether this was her first time or not. Honed skills, some things that seemed like they probably took time to learn. Anyway, we did hard and soft, fast and slow, all sorts until the entire interior of the car was basically soaking wet, and then I took her to the house she was staying at– because she was a high school foreign exchange student– and drove home drunk without a license. The next morning me and you and Mom (you were like 10) got in the car to go to the mall or something gay and Mom goes, “Did someone throw up in the car last night?” Nope. But Brazilians are awesome!” 

I do remember that car, and it was a piece of shit. I don’t remember that exact moment though.

They certainly are hot.



9 Apr

And remembering where things are…

“Wait a hot second! North and South Dakota are still around? Who saw that coming?!!?!?!”

A very good point.

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