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New Slang

7 Feb

He’s got it. We all benefit…

“Thinking of trademarking “YES HOMO.” It’s the cool new thing to say to your buds. Like, “Yes homo but… I really love spending time with you guys.” Stuff like that. Slap a pizza down and say something about tits and everyone will forget.” 

Yes please!

Yes please!

The Beard Chronicles Part One

31 Jan

He shaved his beard, and it warranted a multitude of talk…

“Decided to shave my beard tonight because I noticed it’s starting to get cool in society. Mixed results. Thought about suicide. Decided against it. A tip: If you’re planning on growing a beard and getting fat under it, get back in shape before you shave it off. I just got super stoned, shaved my beard off, realized I was fat and then played a game around my apartment with the mirrors called “Fat Gay Demon” where I pretended to get scared every time I saw myself.” 

Thinking About It

14 Jan

Sometimes you have to…

“Laptop broke because I spilled baby oil all over it. Don’t worry, I wasn’t alone. My landlady was there too. AnywayZ, being deprived of the Internet at home has reminded me of how fun it was to beat it to thoughts. Tiring, but fun. The worst thing is when you’re about to burst because you’re in a large-scale showering facility with every girl you ever hooked up with and suddenly your 3rd grade teacher Mr. Fartsworth comes in and starts singing Huey Lewis and the News really loud like no one’s even in there. Um, hello???!?!?!?! We’re busy here.”

"Use other room, Meesta Fartsworth! This girl's showah."

“Use other room, Meesta Fartsworth! This girl’s showah.”

Take A Moment

31 Oct

And think about where you’re at in life, sexually…

“Every now and then I remember being in Brooklyn at 4AM on top of really beautiful lesbian girl I was friends with, who’d decided that she wanted to go ahead and double-check if she was really a lesbian or not. Who better to call than me? So there we were, humping away, and I was really going after it, but she was just laying there looking like someone switched out her organic almond milk with cottage cheese. Finally she said to me, “Does this feel good to you? Because it doesn’t to me.” It’s a moment that hits me every six months or so, and it always makes me cringe and say, “Oh jeez” aloud to myself. It’s not the only one. There’s the time I got my wallet stolen by a hooker, the time I let a midget blow me at Mardi Gras, and the time I let Cousin Trisha “push me around in the wheelbarrow” at Aunt Trudy’s bachelorette party.  These are my “Oh jeez” moments. If you don’t have one every now and then, you haven’t been partying hard enough. Because for every triumph, there is a failure. For every smoking hot nine, there is a fat farting one. It’s how we make ten. And the only way to craft an “Oh jeezer” for yourself is to just let go and let God. And by God I mean Captain Morgan. Good luck my little marshmallow.” 

Oh jeez.

Not Missing You

17 Apr

I can agree to this, but I don’t think he knows what he’s getting into since he tells me this all the time…

“Can we just all agree that no one has ever missed a text message? If I don’t text you back it’s because I hate you or I’m on mushrooms or I decided I’m gay again. It’s not because I overlooked your text. That’s just a lie.”

Know Your Audience

5 Apr

Or else you might end up like him…

“I was hanging out with some real cool dudesters this evening and we were trading stories about fistfights and women and Jesus, and at one point the burliest and therefore coolest dudester said, “Miami? That’s the easiest place in America to get your dick sucked!” Without thinking, I interjected, “Well, truck stops are actually the easiest place in America to get your dick sucked.” Everyone stared at me, and in my nervousness, I really fumbled the ball. “Oh you meant by a girl,” I added. And that’s the story of how I lost the Thompson Account. Remember to quit while you’re behind sometimes.”

"Hey!"

Careful Who You Vote For

14 Mar

Because apparently it might be something really really sick and not an actual human being…

“I wanted to figure out who this Santorum fella was winning all these fancy voting poll thingies, and when I Googled his ass, boy oh boy was I surprised. According to the venerable (look it up, IDIOT!) Urban Dictionary, his last name means, “The frothy mixture of semen, lube, and fecal matter” resulting from anal sex. Now here I was trying to vote for a human being when I could have just voted for the stain some Filipino girl left on my couch two years ago as a write-in! What a joke politics are. Seriously, get a grip, Washington! You can’t just trudge out some stinky old semen stain and expect us to vote for him just because he’s not a black communist.”

His slogan just had to be "Made in America" didn't it?

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