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Fake Tough Guys

26 Jun

Often a topic of his wandering mind…

“I was at the DMV today where I shockingly was not involved in a screaming match with a fat black woman, but I did come across something that irked me. Why is it that all tough guys are such fucking pussies when it comes down to it? Wrestlers and boxers are as weight-obsessed as anorexic blonde chicks, Gangbangers are so focused on one color in particular that they match their entire wardrobe, and it appears that every single person who’s ever even trained in Mixed Martial Arts has started their own clothing company with a name like “Renegade” or “SmashFace” or “DickSqueezer.” Why are all these so called tough guys so enamored with their weight and clothes? I’ve never given a shit what I wear or what I weigh, and I’m tougher than a driving test for an Asian. Get a grip, guys.”

“You guys got your red shirts on? Okay, everyone get in there. Now smile and say “prison!””


Belated Easter Greetings

9 Apr

from him to me and you…

“I was walking past a church today, super stoned because it was 11AM and you know, “time,” and I almost went in to celebrate how Jesus came back to life with machine guns for arms and shot EVERY SINGLE PERSON who fucked him over in the head, making sure to pull their pants down afterwards which everyone knows is a cool gang thing you do to disrespect a corpse, but then I got distracted by an ice cream truck which I mistakenly assumed was selling drugs. I’m sure the church was fine without me bursting in(to tears). Anyway, Happy Easter!”

This Christian musical artist already beat him to his theory.

Getting In With Gangsters

7 Sep

It’s a good idea I hear. He sent this photo and text at 1AM his time. On a Tuesday after a three day weekend…

“It’s good to hang out with gangsters every now and then. They look at the World in a different way than nerds, herbs, marks and busters do. And don’t be afraid to take liberties like asking if you can fan out the $7,000 cash they have sitting on a random table and take a picture of it. Gangsters love confidence.”

"Straight cash homey."

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