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Party Rock

31 Aug

An oldie but a goodie that I had not put on here yet:

“Keep your thinking cap on at the beginning of this year for party ideas. Fraternities are great not just because of the pseudo gay fantasies that play out on a nightly basis, but also because of psycho-hetero ones too. You get to have parties like “Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes” where you act like a rich old asshole and grab girls asses all night– or “Dirty Old Men and Naughty School Girls” where you act like a weird old asshole and grab girls asses all night! I remember my little brother Drew (yes I’ve had other little brothers) walking around the whole night grabbing every female body part in sight saying “I guess I’m just an old perv!” over and over again. And guess what? The girls WERE LAUGHING AND KISSING HIM! God Bless America. 

One night we had pledges go out and buy some “prizes” (shitty electronics, Victoria’s Secret gift cards, etc.) and then had a gambling night with two sororities. The premise was that the person with the most amount of money at the end could have first choice of the gifts, second place would have second choice, and so on. The great thing happened to also be the only smart thing Dad ever told me, and that is: “The ONLY problem with Capitalism is that it creates a system in which people will do anything for money.” And the girls did do anything, and by that I mean stripping, massaging and eventually blowing their way to a “$50 Victoria’s Secret gift card” which by the way only had $15 on it.”

I think “psycho-hetero” describes him well. 

Tennis Hoes!!!!!!!!

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Onto The Championship

4 Apr

Fresh tournament update…

A Battle For The Ages

“Well folks, it’s been a wacky tournament to say the least. If you had Fear vs. Happiness in your bracket, you are some sort of weird future-telling son of a bitch! Fear’s rout of Awkwardness on the back of power forward Nighttime Blackman’s 51 point, 22 rebound effort was no surprise to anyone, but how many people saw this run by Happiness continuing? Did you know that if you bet just one nickel on them to win it all you’d have $4.55 right now? Holy fuck! Drugs charged out of the gate to a 10 point halftime lead, but it became evident that Happiness’s upbeat style of play was getting to the Drugs players. It’s normal to compliment your OWN TEAM, but Happiness’s incessant butt-patting, winking and cheering for the Drugs players after they’d score was clearly starting to bother the bedraggled group of addicts. They hadn’t seen this type of kindness since before they were all raped as kids! Drugs’ leading scorer Crackrock Jones was quoted as saying “Every time I would score, motherfuckers on their team would say shit to me like ‘Good job Crackrock!’ or ‘Nice take, kid!’ and it made me feel so weird. Usually people say stuff to me like ‘How did you get in my living room?!’ or ‘Give me back my daughter!’ but they never compliment me. Really took me out of the game.”

Well fair readers, turns out that was the Happiness plan all along– to bring a level of cheer to the Drugs players lives they hadn’t ever experienced before. And it worked, as Happiness won the second half by 12 and the game by 2. Many Drugs players vowed to quit the team after the game, but I think we’ve all heard that before. “I’ll believe it when I see it,” said head coach Poppy Syringe. Leading scorer for Team Happy, Smiles McMurtry, spent his entire 30 minute press conference listing things that make him smile, none of which included basketball.

So there you have it folks. It all comes down to tonight, when arch life-rivals Fear and Happiness square off. It’s a bit of a chicken or the egg scenario if you ask me, and by that I mean I fucking love eating chicken and eggs and will be making dinner later if you want to come over. Unbeknownst to everyone until just hours ago, the entire Fear somehow managed to time travel and visit each of Happiness’s players as a child and scare the living shit out of them, altering their lives and leaving two players, Rainbow Gumdrop and Goofball Thompson, permanently scarred. Look, I know time travel doesn’t make sense and that going back in time, even for ten seconds, could potentially alter the lives of thousands of people and change the dynamics of all events thereafter, but just roll with me here. Jesus Christ! The bottom line is that tonight, we’re all winners.”

$80 Grand “For Having Balls”

28 Mar

In the real-life tournament, he’s found an interesting bit of gambling lore:

“Imagine, if you will, that you’d placed just $100 on VCU to win straight up against USC. They were roughly 1.65/1, so now you’d have $265 in the bank. Then you pick them to win straight up against Georgetown, where they were around 2.2/1. Now you’ve got $848. Cool. A heavy 4/1 underdog against Purdue, you’re feeling your oats and let it ride, earning you $4,240. Now you’re feeling extra ballsy, and don’t think FSU is that good anyway, so you push it all on VCU to win. This time they’re back to around 1.7/1, but the narrow win jumps you up to $11,448. At this point you’re going bonkers. Lease a Lamborghini? Put a down payment on a house? Party like a rock star while listening to “Party Like a Rock Star” on repeat until the money’s gone? No. You fucking roll it over because your balls are BIGGER than that house you were gonna put the down payment on. And you were right. Because at 6.25/1 against Kansas, an 11.5 point underdog… they didn’t need the points and won outright. Now you have, gulp… $82,998. From $100. For having balls. They didn’t make Jesus Christ’s name awesome to scream for nothing.”

And if you’d done all that, would you let it ride against Butler? Also, does he have a gambling problem?

Bet On It

4 Feb

If anyone’s looking for some “fool-proof” Super Bowl bets, here you go…

“Betting on the Super Bowl is as American as apple pie and passive aggressively treating minorities like shit at charity events. Two years ago a buddy and I won $2,000 betting the OVER on Jennifer Hudson’s National Anthem. You see, it was her first public appearance since the shocking murder of her brother, and seeing that she would be very emotional, we knew she’d belt out a long-ass anthem. She did, and me and Evan laughed/cried all the way to the bank/drug dealer! Here are some other sure-things for the coming Bowl:

THE COIN TOSS: Tails never fails (except when it does)

MVP THANKS: The MVP of the game always thanks God first. I can’t believe this is even a bet you’re allowed to make. Either bet on God or not at all, knowwhatImean?

GATORADE SHOWER: I got a hot tip from the mentally retarded water boy on the Steelers that he’s pouring Lemon-Lime all fucking night. He also listed every brand of lawnmower in existence and asked me what was for dinner. So if you think the Steelers are going to win, bet Yellow.

WILL I GET TOO DRUNK AND HURT SOMEONE’S FEELINGS DURING THE GAME?: Yes. Like clockwork.

Hope these help you bro. I know money can be tight in college. But so is the pussy, am I right?!?!?!?!”

Good lord.

 

 

Counting Down

31 Dec

I’m happy to share this yearly roundup he sends to a dozen or so people…

“Friends, Countrymen, Irish People:

It is with a heavy heart that I write you today. My pet ant George passed away yesterday when he tried to lift eleven times his own body weight, which we all know is impossible. KIM-possible, even. I scattered his ashes onto a hit of acid and sold it to a busboy at a Ruby Tuesday’s. But emotions aside, I must press on. So I present to you, as is tradition, with MY TOP TEN MOMENTS OF 2010 list. They are:

10. My first ever trip to Wrigley Field. Cubs beat the Rockies, and I beat the shit out of a smart-aleck in a parking lot.

9. Winning $750 playing blackjack for 5 hours with a friend I hadn’t seen in a year.

8. Spending 200 of those dollars at a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell by making it rain while screaming “No one leaves hungry! No one leaves hungry!”

7. Winning a Fucking Contest in Louisiana. Talk about “Dirty South,” I had bandaids on my dick for two weeks!

6. The time I raped myself after drinking nine jager bombs. I woke up at noon, naked on the floor of my bathroom. There was lotion everywhere. Weird!

5. The afternoon I played corn-hole on a mountaintop with Kirk Cameron and Brooke Burns from “Wild on E!”

4. On mushrooms at Bonaroo, having a staring contest with Jay-Z that interrupted his show for 19 minutes. You guessed right. I won when I told a deadpan, satirical joke about the difference between men and women and he burst out laughing. HOVE!

3. Getting a 45 minute blowjob from a college girl while watching Inglorious Basterds and drinking some Makers Mark.

2. Wrestling a Rottweiler in an expensive gentlemen’s club in Shanghai for my dinner.

1. The weekend in Cheddar Bay. Unlimited biscuits, angry black waitresses… I mean, what the fuck else could you ask for?

Happy 2045 Everyone!”

He’s obsessed with Cheddar Bay Biscuits. If you’re not familiar:

http://www.redlobster.com/press/media_kit/cheddarbay.asp

Hoping to get laid tonight. Good luck to the rest of you.

On Gambling…

7 Nov

Here’s a hot tip:

“Dick Brain: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about gambling. With the big “Three Card Monty” craze constantly on ESPN nowadays (that’s the game they’re playing, right?), gambling is back on the forefront like the good old days of Prohibition, where women weren’t allowed to talk and men killed each other for scuffing their shoes. Gambling is dangerous, and as you know, all things that are dangerous are awesome. But be careful when you’re out there placing bets, because you never want to find yourself crying on a leather couch in a really nice apartment giving a handjob to an old man to cover your debts. Not that that ever happened to me, but it happened to a really good friend of mine. Okay it happened to me once. Once! Gimme a fucking break. If you ever want to do some real down and dirty gambling, there’s a great underground room in the Shandong Peninsula in China where they play a version of Russian Roulette where instead of putting the gun to your head you put it to your crotch. Now those guys have balls! Well, some of them do anyway. Hope you got laid this weekend!”

He’s always got my back.

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