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Mourning A Loss

17 May

He values the little things, and little people in life…

“Today my buzzer rang and the cleaning lady came as usual– the third Thursday of every month, just as God intended– but this time was different. She wasn’t Helga, my sweet old cleaning lady who’d recently become unable to bend down to clean the nooks and crannies of the floors properly. She was Bernice, Helga’s much younger, prettier and bustier daughter. I was almost to half-mast when I realized the sad truth– Bernice was here because Helga had died, making her last words to me, “Okay, I’m done…” suddenly become far more profound than I could have ever imagined. Bernice and I shared a cry over the matter. Next time I can only hope that we share a fuck over the matter.”

You can scrub all you want. Your Mom’s never coming back.

Take Care

18 Jul

Finals time for me! Most of my friends are sleeping in and going on vacation, but I’m studying for classes I’ve already taken basically. Because I suck at school. And here’s him explaining how he sucks at life:

“All these girls want to date me right now because I’m handsome and interesting and super dangerous, but I’m just not in a position that I can care for something yet in my life. I mean, I’d get a dog, but I would probably just name him Reebok and try to teach him how to Dougie all day, and then one day he would just fall over and be like “Dude you never fed me!” right before he died. I would do a really cool New Orleans Jazz Funeral for him though. And I would hire an old black woman to scream “Reeeeeeebok!” over and over again. Prob be on the news and shit.”

Yep, that all makes sense. Perfect sense. 

Reebok! Oh Reebok!

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