From our resident money hungry capitalist monster…
“I’ve been stewing on Obama’s State of the Union for a couple days now and here’s my take– Some pretty solid stuff. I think the “Walk Every Kid to School” program sounds promising, the “Double Pay for All Ineffectual and Surly Government Workers” plan is tremendous, and his whole thing about “Free Pizza Fridays” totally rules. And it gave me an idea. Everyone’s talking about how you should invest in gold because the economy’s in the shitter for good and so on, but I think I’m onto a better idea, and you can invest now if you want. Ready?
That’s right, tissues. Tissues are a commodity, just like gold, and people are gonna need them WAY MORE than gold in the coming years. Just think about all the crying and masturbating everyone’s going to be doing as the economy gets worse and worse and worse. People will need to wipe their sadness and shame somewhere, and boom! There we are– two dudes who literally bought ALL THE TISSUES IN AMERICA. And guess what motherfuckers? Prices just went up. Hundred bucks a box you sad piece of shit! I have a Junior Investment Plan that starts at $500, or you could just send me some pictures of the tired naked girls you keep in the Roofie Room and we’ll call it even. Deal? Deal.”