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Investment Tips

27 Jan

From our resident money hungry capitalist monster…

“I’ve been stewing on Obama’s State of the Union for a couple days now and here’s my take– Some pretty solid stuff. I think the “Walk Every Kid to School” program sounds promising, the “Double Pay for All Ineffectual and Surly Government Workers” plan is tremendous, and his whole thing about “Free Pizza Fridays” totally rules. And it gave me an idea. Everyone’s talking about how you should invest in gold because the economy’s in the shitter for good and so on, but I think I’m onto a better idea, and you can invest now if you want. Ready? 

TISSUES. 

That’s right, tissues. Tissues are a commodity, just like gold, and people are gonna need them WAY MORE than gold in the coming years. Just think about all the crying and masturbating everyone’s going to be doing as the economy gets worse and worse and worse. People will need to wipe their sadness and shame somewhere, and boom! There we are– two dudes who literally bought ALL THE TISSUES IN AMERICA. And guess what motherfuckers? Prices just went up. Hundred bucks a box you sad piece of shit! I have a Junior Investment Plan that starts at $500, or you could just send me some pictures of the tired naked girls you keep in the Roofie Room and we’ll call it even. Deal? Deal.” 

"Hahahaha. Tired naked girls. That's a good one."

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“Little Sisters”

26 Jan

A few hours after his last email, he sent this. Sorry, I was failing a pop quiz. Who has pop quizzes? Dickheads…

“When you get older, I’ll teach you about Little Sisters for your fraternity– how to spot them, recruit them, and encourage them. Little Sisters will do things like F Twirl another girl’s J Crack while the third one’s in corner doing an H Bomb with her T Circles. Good stuff.”  

Anybody wanna guess what an “F Twirl” is? 

Courting Dudes And Fooling Girls

26 Jan

We were emailing earlier and I mentioned to him how weird rush is when you’re in a fraternity because you basically have to go on dates with dudes and convince them how cool you and all your friends are. Here’s what he eventually wrote back:

“Yes. Dating dudes is scary. It’s awkward. It’s lame. It’s probably against the damn Bible for God’s sake! But you have to do it. The cooler the dudes are in the years below you, the hotter the chicks will be that you can steal from them next year. I used to occasionally rush super handsome dudes that were COMPLETELY INSUFFERABLE simply because I was 21 and wanted to poach the hot 19 year olds they would inevitably bring around once they were brothers.

But don’t take dudes out to dinner and TELL THEM how cool you are. Everyone does that. Instead, take them to a strip club and SHOW THEM how cool you are by tipping all the strippers with 100 fake $5 bills you spent one hour printing and SEVEN DAYS perfecting using a combination of elbow grease, hiking boots, a dryer and a cookie roller to create the PERFECT TEXTURE– just like real money, am I right Destiny!?!??! That will teach your potential future brothers a few important things:

1. You love tits and pussy and you don’t care how many times a girl had to get smacked and/or ignored by her Dad growing up to show them to you.

2. You don’t give a fuck about rules or laws or morals or common decency.

3. YOU’RE A RESOURCEFUL, HARD WORKER. When you set your mind to something, like for instance tricking a group of undereducated whores into thinking you’re Baller McMurtry, the new fancy guy from out of town who specializes in $5 bill tossing, you FUCKING ACCOMPLISH IT. 

Now get some handsome fuckers in your frat so I can visit you when you’re a senior and I’m a sad, single 30 something with serious emotional issues, a pocketful of Ecstasy, and a penchant for fistfighting. Thanks!”

This is probably his best advice in quite a while. 

Don't get too excited girl. Its way less than you think.

Clothes Make The Man

21 Jan

As long as the man is crazy as shit:

“I have some friends from college in town this weekend and we’re tearing it up like a fucking report card baby!!!!! Something I wanted to pass along: If you ever find yourself in a suit, wear that shit to death. You might be more wasted than you’ve ever been, but keep going. If you’re at Formal and your date won’t fuck you or she goes to sleep after you fuck her, head down to the hotel bar in your suit. Dudes in suits have first dibs on every girl in every bar in America. Call it Daddy Issues, call it Money Hunger, call it Mama Jama– chicks love dudes in suits. So remember that at all your gay frat functions where they make you dress up. Keep the suit on, and use it until it needs to be DOUBLE dry cleaned (because of cum stains, duh).” 

Gross. 

Typed "Cool Dudes in Suits" and this is what came up.

Be Neighborly

13 Jan

I have already kind of done this, but plan on continuing:

“If you don’t have a TERRIBLY awkward moment with your neighbors every now and then where they tell you about your bad behavior from the night before and you have no recollection, you’re not doing it right. When I lived in my frat house (which you’ll recall I was first kicked out of and then banned from ever being present at), I used to have one moment like that a week.

“Dude you were hammered last night. Are you going to buy Brian a new TV?”

“Why””

“Because you smashed his with a tennis racket.”

“Oh.”

Things like that should be occurring regularly for you.”

A boy can dream…

New Song For Lady Getting

16 Dec

I’m sure its fool proof:

“Put this song on and yell “Time to fuck!!!!” out your window and then just sit back until the doorbell rings. On that note, install a doorbell on someone’s door in your frat house without telling them. Hilarious prank. You’re welcome.”

I don’t think I have time to install a doorbell after my exam. Oh well. Here’s the song in question which I think is the beginning of Ferris Bueler too:

Frat Party Ideas

27 Sep

From a complete maniac…

“Broseph Gordon-Levitt– Can’t wait til your new cancer movie comes out!!! JK, JK. I promised you frat/date party ideas, so here are some of the best I could come up with. Suggest at your next chapter meeting:

Bugs & Exterminators

They dress like bugs and all get in a room, you spray some chemicals that make them all fall asleep, and then “take it away, boys!”

Cops and Black People

You ask them to all come in blackface (or invite a black sorority if they’re really progressive– hahaha “progressive” is a word only assholes use) and you guys dress up like cops and then chase them around the house and mistreat them when you catch them.

Pastors and Little Boys

They dress like pastors and you wear tight children’s clothes and then they rub on you in your no-no areas and guilt you into keeping it a secret.

Nurses and Patients

You tell the chicks to come over dressed as nurses and to be “ready to work” at 11PM. At 10PM, your entire fraternity has a Royal Rumble, no holds barred, no weapons disallowed. The injuries will be severe, and just as you need it most, 65 sexy-ass nurses arrive. You’re welcome.

Human Centipede

You just sew them all together. Pretty simple.

Whaling

You invite the fat sorority over for a date party that you say “has no theme, super casual” and before they show up you all get dressed up like Japanese Fishermen and get on the roof. When they get close to your frat house you throw a huge net over them. Not sure what happens after that but it’s probably awesome.

The Future

You all dress up like robots using cardboard boxes you paint silver and with cut-out dick holes, and when the girls come over you all say in robot voices, “In the future, no one wears clothes.” Just keep repeating it and keep bumping into each other in your robot costumes until they start laughing and the one with the most Daddy issues takes her top off. The others will follow suit out of some sick social anxiety. Again, you’re welcome.”

Pretty excited for that Bugs & Exterminators one.  

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