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Hot Hot Hot

24 Mar

This is something I figured wouldn’t ever change:

“Newsflash– if you’re drunk and you cook a pizza at home, you WILL definitely end up with third degree mouth burns. This does not change with age.”



New Pickup Line

17 Feb

For any of you who HATE getting laid:

“BOOM! I did it again. Just came up with the sickest new pickup line in history. Here’s what you do– Go up to a hot girl at a bar and say, “Hey did you hear that Subway’s running a $5 footlong special?” She’ll be all like, “Sure, what? Okay, like, so…” or whatever girls blather. Then you say, “Yeah it sounds like a pretty good deal, until you find out that my apartment is running a SIX-INCH SPECIAL FOR FREE!” Then you pop your eyebrows up and down and hail a taxi because that bitch is coming home with you! When you get there make sure you’ve purchased at least two but preferably four six-inchers from Subway because who knows what she’ll be in the mood for.” 

Years ago he made a song about Subway called, “There’s a Fly On Everything.” It ruled. I will try to find it. 

This can be yours!

This can be yours!

New Slang

7 Feb

He’s got it. We all benefit…

“Thinking of trademarking “YES HOMO.” It’s the cool new thing to say to your buds. Like, “Yes homo but… I really love spending time with you guys.” Stuff like that. Slap a pizza down and say something about tits and everyone will forget.” 

Yes please!

Yes please!

Dietary Restrictions

5 Jan

Some people have them, and some people doubt them:

“”You know who doesn’t have a gluten allergy?” I yelled at the dinner party. “Everyone in Africa.” Needless to say, Marsha started crying 45 minutes earlier than usual.” 

This message board can help us.

This message board can help us.

Never Stop Keeping It Real

4 Dec

Or you will die…

“I’ve come up with a genius plan while staying home sick (sick of this job AMIRIGHT?!?!?!) and catching up on some Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Top Chef. After lengthy and successful meetings with MTV and Bravo, I will be hired as a secret plant or mole for the next seasons of these amazing shows. For RWRRC I will bring three others with me– one super tough dude and two chicks who kicked Crystal Meth and don’t take shit from anyone. We will have no plans of winning the game, because who the fuck would embarrass themselves for two months to split $250,000, which after taxes is only like $40K. I made $40K last week and then lost it at a coke dealer’s pool party. Anyway, the reason we’ll be there will be simple. The first time one of those Roided up 5’7” pussy of a dude or fake tittied 6 of a chick gets buck, talks shit to the “new team” and gets in one of our faces and says the famous RWRRC line, “Hit me bro! Hit me!” we will. And hard. And all four of us at once will attack everyone on the show with a bloodlust usually reserved for people high on Bath Salts. And shit, maybe we will be high on Bath Salts. It’s working out for that anti-virus guy. We’ll be kicked off, but we weren’t really playing anyone. Just teaching young punks lessons about life like we’re a white teacher in a black school in a 90’s movie. 

Now, onto Top Chef. If they’re planning on having 15 contestants to start, they’ll add me for 16. Or 12 and I’m 13, you get it. It won’t matter that I’m there because I’m not going to win, but in a twist of Top Chef genius to fuck with the contestants, I will continue to advance week after week cooking only grilled cheese sandwiches. And in the elimination round jury panel thing they do, I will RELENTLESSLY hit on Padma. And despite it obviously being untoward and lascivious, she will eat it up! I envision one point where I say something like “Ow! Spicy Curry!” after she critiques another contestant, and she’ll laugh but some assclown from Williamsnerd, Brooklynwith a knuckle beard and purple high tops will be all like, “Bro that’s racist! And you’re not even a good chef!” and then Tom Colichio will scream at him, “Unless you can turn that attitude into salt and re-do your dish, shut your mouth! That grilled cheese was the best I’ve ever fucked!” Eventually I will reveal to them that I’m not actually a chef, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. It was all a clever ruse to peddle bed bugs.”

This is a screengrab from the RWRRC website. Please read the description they gave two men kissing.

This is a screengrab from the RWRRC website. Please read the description they gave two men kissing.

Get It Right

29 Nov

or face the consequences…

“Was at this chick’s house last night trying to find a snack while she cleaned herself off from what I just did to her, and discovered her pantry’s best option to be REDUCED FAT CHEEZ-ITs. Who in the fuck buys REDUCED FAT CHEEZ-ITs? If there’s a fucking “Z” in the name of the food, go ahead and get full-fat. Just go for it at that point. Well, needless to say, I ate none and then broke all her wine glasses before yelling “You’re doin’ it wrong!” and leaving the front door open behind me. That’s my new thing– “You’re doin’ it wrong!” I like to just randomly yell it at people while I’m driving, or while they’re shopping or something. Could be a good reality TV show where I help people stop being so shitty at everything. Something to think about.”


He’s Starting Another Band

29 Nov

And they sound FANTASTIC…

“Been jamming a bunch recently with my new band, The Blackberry Scones. Our first single is called, “Kiss Me ‘Til You Miss Me” from our album “I’m Writing A Letter To The Editor Of Your Heart.” We suck.”

That scone is going to spill everywhere you idiot.

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