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Marking Your Territory

3 Nov

He sent this gem late last night his time:

“If you’re ever alone on a street (like I just was and sadly, often am) and a shady character ambles toward you, the best thing you can do is wait til he’s about 30 feet away, work up a good loogy in your mouth, and spit it out about three to five feet in front of you, but also in his direction. This is a physical demarcation of your space, and it signals to him that you want him to remain outside that boundary area. The animal in us would prefer to begin urinating to mark this area more clearly, but society frowns upon such behavior. In my case it turned out to just be a drunk hipster, so I loaned him a Smiths CD and then kicked him in the back of his knee. But had it been a dangerous transient, my space would have been noted and respected.”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: He’s a drunk philosopher. 


Live It Up

28 May

I’m about to choose the first option. The only bright side is the potential of going to Summer School, which was brought up by my lovely mother yesterday and would get me the fuck out of here…

“Hey Dude, I know you’re probably thinking about killing yourself right now at home, and while that is a pretty great option for most people in the World, I’d like to suggest something else. Take a note from the country song “Live Like You Were Dying” which is all about drinking and risking your life over and over again while country music plays in the background and hot chicks chew on straw and spit occasionally. My personal goal for the next month or so is to somehow get one of those red laser dots from a gun in the middle of my forehead. I figure you’ve got to be doing something pretty spectacular for one of those to pop up. Try to think of something cool like that, maybe something with a bear or like a knife fight in a bowling alley? I dunno, you’re the college guy, think about it.”

Knife fight in a bowling alley sounds great.

These people are doing it.

A Treatise on Hallucinating

11 May

No other way to describe it. I told him I was thinking of tripping w a friend after finals and he got all excited and said he would email me something. Back to the books for me…

College is the only time in life that people really, truly enjoy hallucinating. You’re too young to have your trip ruined by all the troubles and pressures of the real world, and just old enough to have truly mind-expanding, deep thoughts, so take advantage of this small window and accept that weird guy on your hall’s offer to “trip balls” with him this weekend in the woods. But don’t take acid. Acid is too often cut with other, speedier drugs and sometimes, gulp… rat poison, no joke. Acid is also often made by people who legitimately think Pantera is a good band. These people are bad, and wrong. The last time I ate acid I ended up crying in a Steak-N-Shake in Indianapolis because my chili bowl was full of maggots and my teeth were bleeding. Oh God how I wish that was a lie. Instead of acid, try mushrooms or mescaline, a much smoother, calmer way to completely (temporarily) lose your mind. Once you’re on the horse, remember this most important bit of advice: Nothing is as serious as it seems, and you WILL feel normal again, eventually. I once called the cops on myself because I couldn’t get the VCR to work and thought the bookshelves were screaming at me as a result. I learned that not only was that incorrect, but also that NO ONE needs to watch the movie Krull that badly. And PS, you can also always drink your way back to sanity if things get to be too much for you.

 Now, if you’re really taking it to the limit and doing the amount of drugs you probably should be in order to have an awesome time, there will inevitably be a few moments where you’re paranoid enough about reality to need to hide in a closet and cry. But don’t worry– you’re not alone! This happens to the best of ‘em, myself included. Heck, at one point in my life (I call it “All of 2001”) I truly believed that the government had implanted microphones in the ears and cameras in the eyes of all the squirrels on my campus. I called them BABY LINKIES, an acronym that’s far too complicated for me to explain to you right now. Do you have a week? I mean… Despite the ample evidence I presented at a Supreme Court Trial (drawing attached) including dozens of witnesses, cats who could read the newspaper, etc., it turned out that I was just really high and confused. Oh well! 

So be careful, and seriously, call me if you need anything while you’re tripping. I can probably help, and you can totally put me on speaker and I’ll make weird funny noises. Good luck!”

His Steak & Shake acid trip was mentioned once before:

This was the drawing he attached:

Is it me or is he getting progressively weirder?

Crowning A Champion

5 Apr

I think this result was heavily influenced by the real game:

A lackluster finish and a sad day all around.


“In what was obviously the worst Championship game in Real Life Tournament history, Fear came out on top last night 33-11, proving once again that they really are the ONLY thing you have to fear. Get it? Fear itself? Fuck I’m a loser. Anyway, I scored more points in a middle school girls game (Dad thought I was gay) than these two teams last night combined, but there were still some highlights. Just kidding, there weren’t. But anyway, with their #2 and 3 leading scorers out of the game with a bad case of the Spooks, Happiness was hampered from the start– and when Fear’s head coach Spider Heights sent out his team dressed like clowns, things only got worse. Thrown off by the tactic, team Happiness’s players shot a Championship low GAY% from the field, missing literally every shot they took for the entire game, only connecting on free throws. At one point, Smiles McMurtry mustered the courage to take the ball to the hoop, but fumbled it out of bounds when Fear’s Snake Slither  jumped out of nowhere to scare him shitless. Literally, he pooped and had to switch shorts. Gross, I know. Bored as hell, Fear’s leading scorer Nighttime Blackman stopped playing late in the second half in favor of scaring children in the crowd. “I live in your closet!” he screamed at one. Anyway, the game sucked but it was good to be reminded that Fear is always standing in the way of your Hope and Happiness. So today when you see a hot chick, make sure to stare at her awkwardly, not speak, and then kick yourself later.”

Onto The Championship

4 Apr

Fresh tournament update…

A Battle For The Ages

“Well folks, it’s been a wacky tournament to say the least. If you had Fear vs. Happiness in your bracket, you are some sort of weird future-telling son of a bitch! Fear’s rout of Awkwardness on the back of power forward Nighttime Blackman’s 51 point, 22 rebound effort was no surprise to anyone, but how many people saw this run by Happiness continuing? Did you know that if you bet just one nickel on them to win it all you’d have $4.55 right now? Holy fuck! Drugs charged out of the gate to a 10 point halftime lead, but it became evident that Happiness’s upbeat style of play was getting to the Drugs players. It’s normal to compliment your OWN TEAM, but Happiness’s incessant butt-patting, winking and cheering for the Drugs players after they’d score was clearly starting to bother the bedraggled group of addicts. They hadn’t seen this type of kindness since before they were all raped as kids! Drugs’ leading scorer Crackrock Jones was quoted as saying “Every time I would score, motherfuckers on their team would say shit to me like ‘Good job Crackrock!’ or ‘Nice take, kid!’ and it made me feel so weird. Usually people say stuff to me like ‘How did you get in my living room?!’ or ‘Give me back my daughter!’ but they never compliment me. Really took me out of the game.”

Well fair readers, turns out that was the Happiness plan all along– to bring a level of cheer to the Drugs players lives they hadn’t ever experienced before. And it worked, as Happiness won the second half by 12 and the game by 2. Many Drugs players vowed to quit the team after the game, but I think we’ve all heard that before. “I’ll believe it when I see it,” said head coach Poppy Syringe. Leading scorer for Team Happy, Smiles McMurtry, spent his entire 30 minute press conference listing things that make him smile, none of which included basketball.

So there you have it folks. It all comes down to tonight, when arch life-rivals Fear and Happiness square off. It’s a bit of a chicken or the egg scenario if you ask me, and by that I mean I fucking love eating chicken and eggs and will be making dinner later if you want to come over. Unbeknownst to everyone until just hours ago, the entire Fear somehow managed to time travel and visit each of Happiness’s players as a child and scare the living shit out of them, altering their lives and leaving two players, Rainbow Gumdrop and Goofball Thompson, permanently scarred. Look, I know time travel doesn’t make sense and that going back in time, even for ten seconds, could potentially alter the lives of thousands of people and change the dynamics of all events thereafter, but just roll with me here. Jesus Christ! The bottom line is that tonight, we’re all winners.”

Tournament Update

28 Mar

He’s updated the brackets:

*very helpful addition


“Well, the weekend certainly produced some fun games and the Fucked Four is finally set! Obviously we must first address Happiness’s surprising run to through Inevitable Death and Anger to make it to the final weekend. Happiness neutralized star Dark Angel Malone by showing him pictures of his childhood and scoring on layups while he was reminiscing. At the press conference following the game, Inevtiable Death’s entire team laughed maniacally and said in unison, “We’ll see you all soon.” One reporter’s head exploded at the revelation. Team Alcoholism started sluggish in the second half against Anger, relinquishing a big lead before passing out as a unit with 4 minutes to play. Anger ripped off 30 straight points to win by 6. Despite the win, Anger’s team was furious at their press conference, screaming things like “No one wants us here!” and “My parents got divorced when I was really young!” to a shocked audience of onanistic (look it up) sports reporters. But in the round of Egregious Eight, Happiness kept their smilin’ streak alive with another double digit defeat Sunday, made easier by Anger’s star player Rage Green’s ejection for stabbing a referee.

Fear ripped 12 seed Hope a new asshole, as everyone expected, and then ran rough-shod over Sadness, who’s game against Pornography was called “The most miserable thing I’ve ever seen in my entire fucking life” by Barbara Streisand’s dick. In the WEST Bracket, Disappointment lived up to their name by not even showing up to the game, playing right into Awkwardness’s trembling hands. Team Awkwardness’ leading scorer Boof Bogus filled the silence at the press conference by farting. In the SOUTHWEST Bracket, Drugs came out early and smashed on Failure, screaming “We’re your root cause!” en route to a 22 point victory and a spot in the Fucked Four.

On the one side, Awkwardness and Fear presents some intriguing matchups. For instance, who’s going to guard Team Awkward’ s Johnny Simpkins as he incessantly masturbates in the corner and occasionally hits threes??? Will Fear’s coach Spider Heights be able to get the monkey off his back and finally win a Fucked Four game? On the other side, can Happiness’s run to glory continue? Or Will Drugs capitalize on Team Happy’s welcoming style of play and fill their half-full glasses with liquid methamphetamine? As an added bonus, it was announced that Charlie Sheen will be refereeing all of the Fucked Four games, so hopefully someone from Team Drugs will kill him in the process. I’m looking at you, Crackrock Jones. Check back next week for more updates!”

Surprising turn of events, and I don’t mean the games. What happened to his Charlie Sheen love? He’s turned.


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