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Sizzlin’

18 May

Bear with me folks. I have a lot going on and most of it sucks. FML. For now, enjoy yet another dissection of a commercial by him…

“What’s up with that fucking Applebee’s commercial with the sizzling platters? You can’t just make everything sizzle. Sizzling is for fajitas only! Anyway, it’s the most amazing  cast in commercial history. First off, the waiter is like Dane Cook’s faggety little brother or something, and the alien black man from 1989 says something no black man has ever said, “I’m telling you, it was drop dead…” before the sweet sounds and smells of the sizzling platters break his concentration. What was he about to say, “Drop dead funky?” Then he and his douche friend’s heads turn like Chris Farley and Adam Sandler in the classic “Schmitt’s Gay” commercial from SNL (http://www.iviewtube.com/videos/178304/snl-classic-skit-schmitts-gay-beer-commercial). Then we’re on another table, where a group of interracial friends are talking and the black woman says “So Joey says to the guy…” but then SHE’s distracted by the sizzling too! First off, what did Joey say to the guy, huh? “Get thafuckouttahere!” Was that it? Or maybe “Hey gimme some salami!” or something sandwich related? Or is just that no black woman in history has ever even met a Joey, let alone possessed a conversational anecdote about him? No matter, the coup de grace comes shortly thereafter, when we get a good look at the platters the stomach-rapists at Applebee’s are selling. The winner has to be the “Sizzling Smokehouse Chicken Stack” which appears to be two chicken breasts topped with ham and bacon, and then topped again with melted cheese. I’m guessing that comes in at right around 2,200 calories and 55 grams of fat. Can’t wait to take that to Pound Town! And at only $8.99? Nothing suspicious about that! Anyway, the commercial ends with a bunch of hip and beautiful European people pointing at the screen and laughing. BUT WE GOT OSAMA YOU SHIT-HEELS!!!!! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!”

Here it is: 


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Pizza Pie Confusion

17 May

I was wondering this myself…

“Hey what the fuck am I supposed to do with these Domino’s boxes after I fill out the questionnaire? What is Tate’s address? I need to tell his dumb ass that his chicken still sucks. Got all these gross empty boxes of chicken sitting around my apartment with the NO box checked. Can you find out what to do later today please? I’m a motherfucking foodie!!!!!!!” 

Yeah, sure. I have nothing else to do.

This is Tate's dumb ass.

Nope.


Super Disappointed

21 Mar

Like many of you, I was waiting for something crazy to happen on Saturday because the moon was so close to the earth. But not my brother. He was angrily waiting for nothing to happen:

“Just as I figured, nothing happened on the “Super Moon” like all the nerds said it would. They’re the same people who thought the World was going to end on Y2K. So I stayed up all night on New Year’s Eve that year doing acid with my friend Dirtbag Jones, and when we woke up in jail on Jan 5th we realized it was all a bunch of bullshit. Don’t listen to doomsday freaks. They’re like kids who get confused between dreams and reality and think their Dad’s a superhero when really he’s a hoarder. Side note– don’t ever go to Steak & Shake on acid.”

Man, thank goodness for that “side note.”

This is what I figure Steak&Shake looked like on acid.

But It’s a Great Deal!

24 Dec

A second fast food related email in 24 hours came this morning with picture included. I know where this McDonalds is… so he’s close. And also for some reason not coming home yet.

“I saw this and had to pull over. The American flag in the background was literally crying.”

Here’s hoping we get some action tonight. Everyone pray to your respective Gods for a father/son fistfight.

What percentage of people ordering this don't share? Like 10% maybe?

 

Since You Can’t Text a Corporation..

23 Dec

You have to do this:

“Really, Arby’s? “4 for $5.95″??????? I remember when that shit used to be 5 for $5, so FUCK YOU, DON’T TRY TO PLAY ME!!!!!!”

I texted him back "no one needs five of those things."

 

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