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How To Know If You’re Old Or Not

6 Jan

Just try this:

“A great way to determine if you’re old or not is whether you need to briefly sit on the arm of a couch after a fart to determine if you’ve shit your pants or not. If you do, you’re old.”

This was made much trickier by the advent of "swaggin."

This was made much trickier by the advent of “swaggin.”

That Smell

21 Jun

One of the grosser subject lines in memory. Sorry…

“Baby puked in front of me on my flight this morning. Almost had a Stand By Me pukefest as everyone freaked out, but did I? Fuck no. I used it as an opportunity to repeatedly and openly fart on a plane, a treat more rare than Albino Indian Women, which are VERY FUCKING RARE! The lady next to me would sneak stares and make stupid little passive aggressive noises after each squealing toot, and each time I’d just look at her and smile. “It’s a free for all,” I informed her. And that, my friend, is called making the best of a bad situation.” 

Here’s the famous “Stand By Me pukefest”:

Learning To Fly

5 Jun

This honestly sounds like a moment he learned from… but I can never be sure:

“I’ve always prided myself on my ability to drunkenly tell girls that I’d like to spin them around like a pinwheel. Of course I rarely get the chance to do it, because women are scared and heavy. But tonight, I overstepped my bounds and said it to a virile young man, and damnit if he didn’t pick me right up off my feet and spin me around himself. Was it scary? Yes. Was it gay? Sort of. Did I fart at the apex of the spin, right in his face? Yes. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is– there’s always going to be someone faster, smarter, stronger than you. Just like Jerry Rice told me the time we were murdering an eight ball of coke and doing pushups all night, “You’ll never be the best. But it doesn’t hurt to try.” Remember that the next time you’re smashing a bottle of Captain Morgan’s on the hood of someone’s car.”

Wait… what does Captain Morgan have to do with that?

Ohhhh…

“Super Bummed”

30 Dec

He is and for good reason guys…

“I’m super bummed because I just found out that Apple’s email program is no longer accepting new subscribers and I have the best ideas ever for it. I wanted to do get@me.com or holler@me.com so when people asked me my email address I could say “holler@me.com” instead of “mrfartyguy69@aol.com” like I do now. FUCK YOU STEVE JOBS!”

Crazy that there were already 68 other “Mr. Farty Guys”.

Too soon.

Dealing With Awkwardness

13 Apr

This would be sure to work. “On Opposite Day.” :

“When you get caught staring at a girl’s tits like I just did (new receptionist) immediately rip off your shirt and wink at her. This will completely diffuse any awkwardness and sexism in the air and put you on an even playing field. You could also try simultaneously farting. I recently time traveled into the future and found that fart jokes are still hilarious.”

I’ll be placing this in the very cramped file known as “Things I Hope He Really Did At Work.”

Tournament Update

28 Mar

He’s updated the brackets:

*very helpful addition

 

“Well, the weekend certainly produced some fun games and the Fucked Four is finally set! Obviously we must first address Happiness’s surprising run to through Inevitable Death and Anger to make it to the final weekend. Happiness neutralized star Dark Angel Malone by showing him pictures of his childhood and scoring on layups while he was reminiscing. At the press conference following the game, Inevtiable Death’s entire team laughed maniacally and said in unison, “We’ll see you all soon.” One reporter’s head exploded at the revelation. Team Alcoholism started sluggish in the second half against Anger, relinquishing a big lead before passing out as a unit with 4 minutes to play. Anger ripped off 30 straight points to win by 6. Despite the win, Anger’s team was furious at their press conference, screaming things like “No one wants us here!” and “My parents got divorced when I was really young!” to a shocked audience of onanistic (look it up) sports reporters. But in the round of Egregious Eight, Happiness kept their smilin’ streak alive with another double digit defeat Sunday, made easier by Anger’s star player Rage Green’s ejection for stabbing a referee.

Fear ripped 12 seed Hope a new asshole, as everyone expected, and then ran rough-shod over Sadness, who’s game against Pornography was called “The most miserable thing I’ve ever seen in my entire fucking life” by Barbara Streisand’s dick. In the WEST Bracket, Disappointment lived up to their name by not even showing up to the game, playing right into Awkwardness’s trembling hands. Team Awkwardness’ leading scorer Boof Bogus filled the silence at the press conference by farting. In the SOUTHWEST Bracket, Drugs came out early and smashed on Failure, screaming “We’re your root cause!” en route to a 22 point victory and a spot in the Fucked Four.

On the one side, Awkwardness and Fear presents some intriguing matchups. For instance, who’s going to guard Team Awkward’ s Johnny Simpkins as he incessantly masturbates in the corner and occasionally hits threes??? Will Fear’s coach Spider Heights be able to get the monkey off his back and finally win a Fucked Four game? On the other side, can Happiness’s run to glory continue? Or Will Drugs capitalize on Team Happy’s welcoming style of play and fill their half-full glasses with liquid methamphetamine? As an added bonus, it was announced that Charlie Sheen will be refereeing all of the Fucked Four games, so hopefully someone from Team Drugs will kill him in the process. I’m looking at you, Crackrock Jones. Check back next week for more updates!”

Surprising turn of events, and I don’t mean the games. What happened to his Charlie Sheen love? He’s turned.

 

Stinky Thoughts

2 Feb

More for his pet peeve list:

“I fucking hate it when people say “brain fart.” This girl in my office always says it after she fucks up. “Oops, brain fart!” No, you’re just an idiot. Don’t blame farts for this!!!!!!!!! As a side note, if you were wondering if farts ever stop being funny, the answer is no.”

Good to know about farts. I was planning on eventually scaling back the amount of fart jokes I told but not now.

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