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Writing Raps For Other People

15 Oct

We should all be so lucky as “Roger”…

“I’ve written a rap for my co-worker Roger, AKA The Most Boring Man in the World:

Let me tell you ’bout my fantasy team, and my dreams

After that, how ’bout a quote from the nineties movie “Scream”

And if there’s time, a dissection of my three favorite ice creams

If you love shit that’s boring baby get on my team.”

Roger’s coffee cup.



2 Aug

He’s made ’em…

“A lot of people know me as a cool dude, a lady killer, and the guy who cries really loud sometimes next door. But what a lot of people forget is that I’m also the owner of FOUR fantasy football teams.”

Fantasy Team Names

25 Aug

He makes fun of fantasy football but every year he plays in something like 4 leagues. Here are some of his ideas for team names this year:

“Dude lemme know if you like any of these team names. Sent this to my buddy for a team we share:

Federal Buttermilk Inspectors

Robots With Human Emotion


The Seismic Squirrel Androids

The Mockingbird Injuction

Harrison Ford’s Roach Clip

Naked 12 Year Old Boys

Sigourney Weaver’s Breastmilk

The Pee-Pee Doo-Doo Twinz

Must Love Dogs

Stop Or My Mom Will Poop!

Throw Mama From My Dick

House Party 4: Kid’s Revenge

The Well Timed Rape Jokes

Affable Apoplectic Agnostics

The Shrimp Investigators

Offense, Defense, Special Dreams

Riot in Party City

Early Onset Dementia

Mamma Mia!

The Chinese Alligator Hats

Get Off My Lawn!

The Time I Got Molested

Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place

Mmm I Love Pizza RU Hungry?

We Play Naked No Homo

Seriously Though, Who Let the Dogs Out?

This Is As Gay As Magic”

A lot of those seem too long but what do I know. My favorite is “Offense, Defense, Special Dreams.” Lot of gay ones in there…

This is a funny commercial.

Know What You’re Getting Into

22 Jun

Is he changing his “get all the pussy you can, forever” tune? You be the judge:

“I had this girl over to my apartment last night, and in between some sexytime stuff I was lost in thought about how much of my time she was wasting, which in lieu of receiving money for her services (because that would he HORRIBLE, right?), is what she wanted. It’s what all women want– your time and attention.

If I had just jerked it, I’d have saved myself something like 4 hours. And now, since as soon I came I decided that I hate this girl and never want to see her again, I’m going to have to fend her off into oblivion over the next two months via a series of bi-weekly text exchanges, costing me roughly 15-30 minutes each time. All told, for this one blowjob (it was okay, like 6 out of 10), I’ll have wasted anywhere from 10-12 hours of my life! Now multiply that by the number of  BJ’s I receive per year (172) and the subsequent run-and-hide technique I employ, and we’re talking about roughly 1,892 life hours wasted! Good God man that’s nearly 79 days! Think of all the things I could’ve done in that amount of time– the inventions, the theories, the fantasy football analysis!

The point I’m making here is that even though women are pretty and they smell good (even their sweat smells good for God’s sake), they are time-wasting machines of evil. Think about that the next time you text Butterface Brenda over to your room for 3.5 hours of watching Modern Family and talking about coffee flavors and .5 hours of weiner touching. Maybe just grab the Lubriderm, fire up a few windows of Safari for 20 minutes and then invent something awesome instead, like silent packing tape®.”

He likes to calculate things of this nature… Rather than working I think. And he’s been telling me to invent silent packing tape for years but I think someone already did.

His Very Own NFL Mock Draft

27 Apr
When he was a teenager he used to type up every NFL team’s roster on a typewriter. No joke. I remember I was looking at them one time (because I thought everything he did was cool, even gay stuff) and he freaked out and beat the hell out of me. I was five. Anyway, I was wondering where he was all day today, and it turns out he was wasting his work day making his Annual NFL Mock Draft. Enjoy by clicking below…

"With the first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft-- Hey is someone huffing paint in here?"

True Dat

7 Nov

He’s probably right:

“My friend Dave just called to tell me about his fantasy football team. Don’t ever do that. Fantasy football stories are like babies and dreams– only interesting if they’re yours.”

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