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Mistaken Identity

19 Nov

He suffers from it a lot. Gets a lot of Dave Grohl, Ugly Prince William, not flattering… But this is different:

“Just had a super awkward moment outside a coffee shop. This insanely hot 40 year old walked up in all spandex with a bangin’ body, and went into the store next to the coffee shop. When she was coming out a few minutes later, this cool looking 13 year old kid was aimlessly standing there playing his GameWizard® and TOTALLY NOT NOTICING HER. So I tried to get his attention so he could have a month’s worth of jerk-material but he wouldn’t listen– classic teen! So I went and grabbed him, being like, “Dude check it out!” and pointing to the older chick with the ass. Anyway his parents thought I was trying to molest him and I almost had to fight the Dad. Classic mixup!”

Get off your GameWizard kid, there’s a World Wonder behind you!



Take A Moment

31 Oct

And think about where you’re at in life, sexually…

“Every now and then I remember being in Brooklyn at 4AM on top of really beautiful lesbian girl I was friends with, who’d decided that she wanted to go ahead and double-check if she was really a lesbian or not. Who better to call than me? So there we were, humping away, and I was really going after it, but she was just laying there looking like someone switched out her organic almond milk with cottage cheese. Finally she said to me, “Does this feel good to you? Because it doesn’t to me.” It’s a moment that hits me every six months or so, and it always makes me cringe and say, “Oh jeez” aloud to myself. It’s not the only one. There’s the time I got my wallet stolen by a hooker, the time I let a midget blow me at Mardi Gras, and the time I let Cousin Trisha “push me around in the wheelbarrow” at Aunt Trudy’s bachelorette party.  These are my “Oh jeez” moments. If you don’t have one every now and then, you haven’t been partying hard enough. Because for every triumph, there is a failure. For every smoking hot nine, there is a fat farting one. It’s how we make ten. And the only way to craft an “Oh jeezer” for yourself is to just let go and let God. And by God I mean Captain Morgan. Good luck my little marshmallow.” 

Oh jeez.

Happy Columbus Day

8 Oct

Whether or not this story is true (it isn’t), he sent this video, so happy Columbus Day everyone:

“Columbus Day reminds us that there’s no such thing as being lost, so long as when you get anywhere you act like you meant it and then kill everyone. This is a song my friend wrote about Columbus Day right before he died of Feline AIDS. His brother made this video of pictures of him before his death from Feline AIDS to commemorate his prior Feline AIDS-free life. Please to enjoy.” 

Here’s the video:

Talk To Her

4 Sep

You must, according to him…

“For God’s sake, if you ever have a female child, just talk to her all the time. All the fucking time. No matter what dumb thing she says, just listen and pat her on the head and tell her she’s a good girl. “Daddy me want ba-ba-bee-boo!” Okay little female child, I will give that dumb thing to you. Why? Because I went to a party last night where NOT ONE OF THE GIRLS’ FATHERS HAD EVER SPOKEN TO HER. So I made them all pay for it, in sequential, non-demoninational pussy payments.” 

If she doesn’t tug on your tie, she’ll tug on a weiner later in life.

Fun With Words Part 2,182

31 May

Long time coming…

“Once I was hitting on a girl in Chicago and used the word “sale-able” to describe something, and she spent the next ten minutes correcting me and insulting me, wondering how someone with such a great education could use such an obviously incorrect word. Well I hope that bitch was watching re-runs of Million Dollar Listing yesterday, because they used that word like FIVE TIMES! In your face you stupid idiot! In other word-related news, ever think about how very different the words URBAN and URBANE are? The E must be like the father who never comes back from getting cigarettes and fucks everything up. I wish Dad would’ve done that. Oh well, can’t win em all!” 

The definition of urbane.

Sober Thoughts

26 Feb

I think we’re all a little bit hungover today. Some more than others…

“I was so hungover this morning that my final dream was all about how bad of a headache I had. Then I had to deal with my friend who broke out of rehab taking me out to breakfast and jabbering on and on about how great it was to be sober. Don’t ever be sober. Sober people are literally the most annoying people on earth. “I have a new appreciation for bla bla bla–” Shutup and pass the pepper for my Bloody Mary. Speaking of annoying sober things– do you remember the bumper sticker I used to have on that old shitbox Honda? It said “I’D RATHER BE SOBER” and I made it myself. Best joke ever? Dad didn’t think so. He made me take it off. Because Dad sucks.”

This one's a toss up.


Like A Tornado Made Of Drugs

23 Dec

Well this has been interesting. He showed uo acting like a complete weirdo, claiming that the “black pilot was fresstyling over the loudspeaker the entire flight.” Then he pulled me aside and informed me that he ate a huge pot brownie before his flight so the freestyling story may not have been “100% accurate.” Now he’s eating cookies in the kitchen that someone gave us, and they are that weird Otis Spunkmeyer brand that he can’t stop laughing about. I just overheard the following:

“MMMMMM these Spunkmeyers are so good Mom. I would eat these in a barn! Do I have any Spunkmeyer on my face? I feel like I do. Dad? Get in here!”

In other news, I got a 2.0 so I’m still a citizen of college. Hooray.

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