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The Beard Chronicles Part Two

31 Jan

Always darkest before the dawn. Is that the saying?

“Well, shaving my beard might have been a terrible decision. I just gave a “what’s up” head nod to a cool-ass dude with a beard and he looked at me all like, “Yeah, what IS up, bitch?” Then I remembered I didn’t have my beard on. Anyway, half my face is light pink and the other half is a beautiful tan. I’m like Two-Face from Batman. I’M HIDEOUS!”

Then later he sent this:

“Might be getting back on track. Just got my first double-take validation from a hot chick at a 7-11. She might have just mistaken me for a walking, human form of her shaved pussy, but she also might’ve thought I was cute. Stands to be determined.” 

Don't get confused. Those are just regular old women.

Don’t get confused. Those are just regular old women.


The Beard Chronicles Part One

31 Jan

He shaved his beard, and it warranted a multitude of talk…

“Decided to shave my beard tonight because I noticed it’s starting to get cool in society. Mixed results. Thought about suicide. Decided against it. A tip: If you’re planning on growing a beard and getting fat under it, get back in shape before you shave it off. I just got super stoned, shaved my beard off, realized I was fat and then played a game around my apartment with the mirrors called “Fat Gay Demon” where I pretended to get scared every time I saw myself.” 

Leave Your Mark

20 Apr

or a bunch of gross hairs everywhere. He sent this pic last night:

Seems reasonable.

And wrote this:

“This chick kept complaining that I had ONE super long beard hair that was annoying her, so I told her I would snip it if she gave me some scissors. That’ll teach her to have such tacky- ass tile in her bathroom, and to NEVER disrespect my beard.” 

Growing Strong

15 Feb

If this is true its gross, like most of his thoughts:

“Just got out of a two hour meeting and realized I had a little bit of my breakfast taco stuck in my beard the entire time. Was I grossed out? Nope. Embarrassed? Hell no! If you’ve got a beard so fierce that it can hold breakfast taco leftovers, you’re a fucking badass. Case closed.” 

Morning Delusions

14 Dec

I’m feeling just about as crazy as he is today. Two almost all nighters in a row is making me feel weird…

“Woke up this morning on my bathroom floor (because what was the point of buying $70 bath mats if you can’t sleep on them???) and heard the sound of someone making breakfast in the kitchen. “An enterprising whore!” I thought. So imagine my surprise when I turned the corner and saw MY BEARD cooking eggs and bacon!!!!! As if making me attractive to every woman on Earth wasn’t enough, the little fucker can cook too! Praise Tebow!”

I’m also tired of his “Praise Tebow” thing already. 

He's even got his own cookbook!!!!!!!!!

Keep It Up

12 Nov

No matter what people say…

“Don’t let other people’s opinions sway you. I’ve encountered a lot of beard haters recently– oddly many of whom were girls who liked me pre-beard and are scared that I’ve somehow become MORE masculine than before. Anyway, just remember that when you’re doing something awesome like growing a beard, the only opinions that matter are your’s, and the girl’s who keeps pulling on your beard while you have the best sex ever. Pretty simple.”

Found this website while looking for a picture: 

He’s A Grower

19 Aug

And he’s so excited about it…

“This beard fucking rules. When I used to have a mustache, it would tell me to do CRAZY shit like smash people’s doors down and not wear condoms. But this beard is so much more mature. It tells me stuff like “Hey go knock on that door and THEN smash it down,” and “Hey go ask that hot blonde girl if she wants to have SAFE SEX with you.” I’m starting to think that if Hitler had just stopped being such a pussy and grown a full beard, a lot of trouble could have been avoided in the 40’s. Plus having a beard reminds women that I’m an animal, whereas having a mustache tells them that I’m either a hipster or a pedophile, and both should be illegal. I even found this great website full of tips and tricks and anecdotes:

There’s a whole community of people like me. And that feels good. Seacrest out.”

That’s our first “Seacrest out” in a long time. Good to see it back in action. Not sure about his Hitler theory though. 

Like Tom Hanks in Castaway, he is a lonely, troubled man on an island.

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