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Making More Lists

30 Apr

One of his favorite pasttimes…

“Was having drinks with a couple people last night and we were talking about some sob story involving a family that got swept up in a rainstorm and the Dad had to choose between his kids and his wife (easy choice– none– you’ll swim faster) or some such bullshit, and the one guy I was with goes, “Well I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy!” What? Why the hell not? He’s your worst enemy for Christ’s sake– You should wish the worst shit on earth to happen to him. Otherwise, update your God damn enemy list and knock him down a couple notches to like the cancer realm or something.” 

Priorities seem to be in order here.

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Imagine

20 Apr

Is it weird that I’m simultaneously excited and sad that school is almost over? And scared. Anyway, this is a good point and a tip that I really hope works, because we’ve got an epidemic at this school:

“Imagine, if you will, a World without fat ugly mean girls. Just think how many more happy people there would be if there were no fat ugly chicks taking their hot friends away from cool dudes. Shit there would be so many more people on the planet, period! And eventually all the fatties would be weeded out. Cool fatties could stay, we’d work out some type of Fucking Program for them where a really handsome guy would come by once a month and slam it home until they were pregnant, and then a really smart handsome guy would set up a computer program for them to have someone to talk to about arts and crafts and reality TV. Come to think of it, maybe it’s a population control issue. Like maybe God puts all the mean fat girls in bars in order to keep population down. “She has a boyfriend!” the fattie screams as old french fries crumble from her mouth and her friend violently shakes her head no and rolls her eyes. ANyway, I’m digressing. I figured out last night that the best way to get a cockblocking fat chick off the girl you like is to tell her there’s a Paula Deen food truck outside. Then just sit back and watch as she vanishes in a could of cartoon smoke and you’re left alone to have unprotected sex in a bathroom stall with a broken lock! You’re Welcome!!!!!!!

PS OMG LOL it’s 420 I’m so gay I mean I’m so high!!!!”

I knew we weren’t going to escape without a 420 joke. 

"Sarah, if you come home with me instead of him I'll make buttermilk everything slices!"


Besting Your Opponent

5 Apr

It can be more confusing that you might think. Especially when it makes no sense…

“When something bad happens to your enemy, you’ve got to decide: Do you laugh, wish them well, or commit suicide to one-up them?”

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