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Don’t Make Him

9 May

I think I pissed him off:

“I only drink two things: Coffee and Alcohol. I only smoke two things: Cigarettes and Weed. I only shoot two things: Hoops and Clay Pigeons. Don’t make me add a third, bitch.”

This shit ain't funny!

This shit ain’t funny!

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Long Time No Post

7 May

Please please pardon the long delay in posts. A lot going on here, but who cares about all that, let’s get to the terrible advice, shall we? Pretend this little thing never happened? Just call it even? Bygones being bygones and whatnot? Thanks! On with the action…

“I’ve been in hiding for a bit, biding my time and recording a rap album with songs like, “Cinco de Mayo Is Racist and for Faggots,” and generally just masturbating a lot. Also fucking occassionally. I’m in incredible fucking shape. My core is ripped and my dick has holes in it. But mostly I’ve been slanging the old ham hock around myself while listening to “Sketches of Spain” by Miles Davis and crying. Research, I call it. And here’s what I’ve discovered– something incredible. Something that’s going to change the jerkoff game for good. I’ve discovered the A#1 search term for every site. What’s that? You didn’t know you could plug search terms into Internet Porn? What the fuck is wrong with you, amigo? It’s 2012! Anyway, as soon as it hit me, it all made sense. Sort of like the time I accidentally ate a quarter of mushrooms and had a long talk with Jesus about the band Cake and whether or not I was supposed to die in that moment or not. I wasn’t, thank God, because Cake was about to release ANOTHER SINGLE. Anyway times two, here’s the scoop, you flagrant piece of poop:

The word is LUCKY. 

“6 AWESOME WOMEN AND 1 LUCKY GUY!”

“HORNY TWINS MAKING A DICK LUCKY”

“TWO HOT ASSES FOR ONE LUCKY DEVIL”

and even: 

“LUCKY DICKFACE”

 The list goes on and on. Lucky guys get in the best sexual situations, and it’s high time we all took advantage of their good luck. Which brings me to my real point– You want to be perceived as lucky. That should be the goal. I remember being in a Blockbuster (which was a “video rental store”) as a teenager and seeing this dopey mope of a guy with his arm around a hot girl. “What a lucky fucker,” I said to my friend Rude (RIP Rude). And Rude told me something I’d forgotten until now: “Maybe he’s lucky… or maybe he’s the only dude that ever had the balls to hit on that super hot chick. And because he did, now he gets to lick her pussy, which I’d imagine tastes a lot like cinnamon applesauce by the Mott’s company.” Okay he didn’t say all that, but you get the point. People call dudes lucky who have a lot of money, or have a hot girlfriend, or drive nice cars way too fast in school zones while blaring Jethro Tull. But maybe they’re not lucky. Maybe they worked really hard to make that money, or had the Nuggershiwitz to hit on the tall blonde at the bar that all the other dudes were just staring at, or the gumption to ignore a crossing guard and mow down three disabled 8th graders because they needed both hands to do the air flute solo.

The point is, be that guy people call lucky. And let them call you that. Because you’ll know it’s not luck behind it all. It’s cocaine and revenge. Cocaine. And revenge. And I bid you goodnight with that, hermanito.”

He's right. Holy shit he's right.

He’s right. Holy shit he’s right.

Don’t Walk Away

24 Feb

from your problems, or let them walk away from you…

 “Three days ago my feet come up to me and say, “We wanna try Meth!” and I was all like, “Do your thing, feet! Nobody’s holding you back!” Three hours ago they show up all beat to shit asking to borrow $15. And $15 is a weird amount to ask to borrow. Just say $20, it sounds more businesslike… I KNOW IT’S FOR DRUGZ FEET!” 

Looks like he has bed bugs.

Looks like he has bed bugs.

Rest In Peace

13 Feb

To his genitals…

“Well, it finally happened. I blew my dick off. I was driving around bumping “Sketches of Spain” by Miles Davis and then “The Great Milenko” by ICP just to even things out, and I was smoking a bong by myself because I’m a sad, lonely rebel… and I had my lighter tucked under my balls for quick access… and I farted. The ensuing explosion destroyed my driver’s seat and also blew my nuggets to smithereens. So I guess I have to start doing heroin now like DJ AM. Rest in Peace homies.” 

Actual photo of the accident.

Actual photo of the accident.

When We Change

10 Dec

It can be tough. And expensive…

“Just found out I got all my suits tailored for the wrong person. The person I USED TO BE. That shit was so deep I had to leave work early and get stoned so I could think about it.” 

Damnit. I could look so much better.

Damnit. I could look so much better.

Never Stop Keeping It Real

4 Dec

Or you will die…

“I’ve come up with a genius plan while staying home sick (sick of this job AMIRIGHT?!?!?!) and catching up on some Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Top Chef. After lengthy and successful meetings with MTV and Bravo, I will be hired as a secret plant or mole for the next seasons of these amazing shows. For RWRRC I will bring three others with me– one super tough dude and two chicks who kicked Crystal Meth and don’t take shit from anyone. We will have no plans of winning the game, because who the fuck would embarrass themselves for two months to split $250,000, which after taxes is only like $40K. I made $40K last week and then lost it at a coke dealer’s pool party. Anyway, the reason we’ll be there will be simple. The first time one of those Roided up 5’7” pussy of a dude or fake tittied 6 of a chick gets buck, talks shit to the “new team” and gets in one of our faces and says the famous RWRRC line, “Hit me bro! Hit me!” we will. And hard. And all four of us at once will attack everyone on the show with a bloodlust usually reserved for people high on Bath Salts. And shit, maybe we will be high on Bath Salts. It’s working out for that anti-virus guy. We’ll be kicked off, but we weren’t really playing anyone. Just teaching young punks lessons about life like we’re a white teacher in a black school in a 90’s movie. 

Now, onto Top Chef. If they’re planning on having 15 contestants to start, they’ll add me for 16. Or 12 and I’m 13, you get it. It won’t matter that I’m there because I’m not going to win, but in a twist of Top Chef genius to fuck with the contestants, I will continue to advance week after week cooking only grilled cheese sandwiches. And in the elimination round jury panel thing they do, I will RELENTLESSLY hit on Padma. And despite it obviously being untoward and lascivious, she will eat it up! I envision one point where I say something like “Ow! Spicy Curry!” after she critiques another contestant, and she’ll laugh but some assclown from Williamsnerd, Brooklynwith a knuckle beard and purple high tops will be all like, “Bro that’s racist! And you’re not even a good chef!” and then Tom Colichio will scream at him, “Unless you can turn that attitude into salt and re-do your dish, shut your mouth! That grilled cheese was the best I’ve ever fucked!” Eventually I will reveal to them that I’m not actually a chef, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. It was all a clever ruse to peddle bed bugs.”

This is a screengrab from the RWRRC website. Please read the description they gave two men kissing.

This is a screengrab from the RWRRC website. Please read the description they gave two men kissing.

On Money And Women

29 Nov

Tough week last week. Had a death in the family hence the lack of posts. Back in action now with all the dickheaded things we normally post! His take on the Thanksgiving football games was this…

“Please to review the attached photo of the owner of the Jets, Woody Johnson. He is 4’6″ tall and looks like a troll I met under a bridge when I was on mushrooms in 2001. His sons are both retarded because you can’t mate with a troll and expect anything less. But what else do you see? A hot wife. And why? Because ALL WOMEN CARE ABOUT IS FEELING SAFE. And shit tons of money makes everyone feel safe. Look how happy this chick is, even though she had to peel back nine inches of troll foreskin to find his one inch dick– TWICE! She doesn’t give a fuck though. Just remember that. If you can make women feel safe, you can have all the women you want. That’s why hideously ugly tall guys have hot girlfriends and why I bang hot chicks every week even though I have very serious emotional problems, many of which are currently undiagnosed because I refuse to be honest with the doctors.” 

Here’s the photo in question:

Just to clarify, he is not a troll and his children are not retarded. But his wife is a money grubbing piece of skirt steak. That part was true.

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