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Don’t Drive Home Without This

16 Nov

helpful tip…

“Helpful tip: All interstate highways going north and south end in a 5, i.e. I-75 and the 405. All interstate highways going east and west end with a 0, like the 10. Remember that next time you’re drunk driving and maybe you won’t get so lost.” 



21 Sep


“Sometimes when I’m high as fuck, driving around blaring “Peg” by Steely Dan with my windows down, I get worried that no one understands me. And then I remember that I don’t want anyone to understand me. Because when people understand you, you become predictable. And when you’re predictable, you’re boring. And when you’re boring, you’re dead. So yeah, kid on the skateboard, this is Steely Dan. And they rule. Watch out for that lamp post!” 

Here’s the song he referenced.  I don’t understand it either:


5 Jul

And a helpful one, at that…

“The 5th of July: America’s Safest Day to Drink and Drive.”

A Real Pick Me Up

14 May

Wait til you see how clever I am by writing that title. He sent this, which makes me wonder why he was renting a car. But sometimes it’s best not to ask:

“Enterprise always says how they’ll pick you up, but did you know that they’ll also drop you off? What happens from there depends on you. In my case tonight, it meant a handjob.”

Which one of you guys did it?


“Say It, Don’t Spin It”

10 May

Because he needs you to slow down:

“What happened to being straightforward in our society? Is it texting? The Internet? No one can just say what they want to say anymore. It used to be that if you wanted to tell me about how you had a $5 pizza for sale, you’d strap a “$5 Pizza!” sign to a dog and cover the back with peanut butter so he wouldn’t complain. Now they have some grunge kid from my high school who apparently has a time machine and uses it to work shitty jobs in the future spinning a sign with such lightning-quick intensity that I just had a seizure in my car and crashed into an Asian lady’s QX4, the sheer irony of which made us all convulse with laughter (and me from the seizure, of course). Point is, if you have something to say, just fucking say it, don’t spin it.” 

According to your arrow, sir, “Adventure Time” is underground. Where might I find the door and/or stairs?

Don’t Take Action

1 May

Because it’s a pain in the ass, dude…

“The problem with actions speaking louder than words is that actions fucking take forever to show off, whereas you can just spit out a bunch of words, wash your hands clean of the situation and walk away. And nine times out of ten, walking away from a problem is the best choice. People that stick around and stare at problems cause traffic jams.”

Great. Everyone's gonna rubber-neck over this shit all day and clog up the freeway.

Rules Of The Road

22 Apr

Provided by the ‘Best Driver in the World’ if you recall this one:

“After a long drunk drive home, go ahead and throw on some classical music while you park to celebrate your arrival. You’ve sped, you’ve screamed, you’ve broken many laws– now it’s time to relax. You see, classical music is not ONLY excellent to fuck to, as the Catholics will have you believe, it’s also great music to dent a car to! And on that note, I’ve decided that my new phrase for fucking a fat chick is “denting a car.” “Man I dented a car pretty hard last night.” “Really, what kind?” “Puerto Rican.” BOOM!” 

Gotta love our 51st state.

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