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Immortal Kombat

15 Jan

One day he will succeed in confusing his system into death…

“Just put all these bitches in my stomach at once and yell, “FIGHT!””

Hope he didn't drink that cool bottle opener too.

Hope he didn’t drink that cool bottle opener too.

Don’t Drive Home Without This

16 Nov

helpful tip…

“Helpful tip: All interstate highways going north and south end in a 5, i.e. I-75 and the 405. All interstate highways going east and west end with a 0, like the 10. Remember that next time you’re drunk driving and maybe you won’t get so lost.” 

“Egg Roll Recipe”

12 Nov

That’s what he calls it, and that’s what it is. Its also the story of a sad, sad man…

“FUCKING AWESOME SECRET EGG ROLL RECIPE (Difficulty Level: Cool)

1. Buy one of those things of pre-made egg rolls at Whole Foods. I know, I hate going in there too but trust me, it’s the only way to make these! Maybe knock something over on your way out and stare at a hippy if it makes you feel better.

2. Go home and drink at least ten beers.

3. Now get super stoned.

4. Watch SportsCenter until it repeats. ALWAYS until it repeats.

5. If you’re feeling like maybe you’re not gonna still be super stoned in 10 minutes, get stoned again.

6. Drink another beer.

7.Get some paper towels, then get on the Internet and whip out your dick. Type in something crazy to your favorite porn site’s search engine. Something like “GLASSES SQUIRT NOSERING.” Do your thing.

8. Heat up a pan with olive oil on HIGH. Think, “I’m high too, pan, don’t worry!” and laugh hysterically. Alone. 

9. Microwave those egg rolls for 1:30.

10. Toss those soggy, gay egg rolls in your pan. Have some fun kicking them around that bitch until they’re dark brown and crispy all over. Maybe make up a song like, “Egg Rolls! Watch my eggs roll!” I dunno dude I’m not a song writing guy.

11. Go outside. You haven’t been outside for awhile. What the fuck is going on out there? Smoke a cigarette or two. Think about stuff like how lesbians use dildos. That hardly makes sense, am I right?

12. Go back in. Take a nap, dude– you deserve it!

13. Wake up whenever your body tells you to. DO NOT set an alarm. Alarms are for people who have things to do. You’re just eating egg rolls.

14. Find those egg rolls. You might have hidden them somewhere. Don’t give up easy!

15. Now, finally, pour soy sauce all over them and eat them. Aren’t they good????!?!?!?!!!!!

16. You’re welcome.”

Serves one.

The Forgetful Chef

10 Sep

A great book title and his idiotic life…

“Woke up this morning and my apartment smelled like someone set an Italian man on fire. Turns out I just put a french bread pizza in the oven and fell asleep in the bathtub.” 

Mmmmmmm Italian and French at the same time!

Reminder

5 Jul

And a helpful one, at that…

“The 5th of July: America’s Safest Day to Drink and Drive.”

Careful There Austin!

3 Mar

HE’S ON THE LOOSE!

“At least this chick is letting me drive her car all over town while her sister has a karate tournament or something similarly terrible (baptism? I can’t remember). I’m pretty drunk, which is great because I know I’ve told you not to drink and drive, but if it’s someone else’s car, it’s pretty much safe.”

Hope she doesn’t read a lot of blogs…

He’s A Bartender Now

14 Nov

And maybe he should be fired…

“Just made up a new drink called the “Late To Work.” It’s vodka, tequila, bitters and lemon juice and a cigarette and also a bong hit and an argument with your neighbor about his loud music and then you fall over and hurt yourself when you take your jeans off and check the Internet to see if the porn’s still on there. It is!”

I’ve got a feeling that the porn is going nowhere. 

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