His high school memories are catching up with him:
“It’s so hard to tell when my jeans are stained and when I’m having an acid flashback. Don’t wanna be a guy who washes his jeans a lot though. Gotta stick to twice a year. Only people named Brenden wash their jeans more than twice a year.”
Rich people buy clothes to show how they identify with poor people.
It can be tough. And expensive…
“Just found out I got all my suits tailored for the wrong person. The person I USED TO BE. That shit was so deep I had to leave work early and get stoned so I could think about it.”
Damnit. I could look so much better.
Or you’ll regret it…
“Always keep an extra shirt and pair of pants in your car. You never know when you might spill coffee all over yourself, get cum everywhere by accident on the way to the restaurant, or even worse, find that another incredibly cool dude beat you to the punch and is wearing the same shirt as you.”
From a great little blog thing called “Matching Dudes.”
From our in-house editor…
“You’ll hear a lot of fashion pundits over the years talking about when it’s okay for men to wear shorts, or why men shouldn’t wear shorts, or how you should only wear shorts in between Memorial Day and Labor Day, not before the 4th of July but not after Bastille Day and never at night. But the real deal is this– Today I was walking into a grocery store and a bandaid fell off my dick and out the bottom of my shorts. And THAT, my friend, is why men should never wear shorts.”
They don’t call ’em shorts for nothin’
Often a topic of his wandering mind…
“I was at the DMV today where I shockingly was not involved in a screaming match with a fat black woman, but I did come across something that irked me. Why is it that all tough guys are such fucking pussies when it comes down to it? Wrestlers and boxers are as weight-obsessed as anorexic blonde chicks, Gangbangers are so focused on one color in particular that they match their entire wardrobe, and it appears that every single person who’s ever even trained in Mixed Martial Arts has started their own clothing company with a name like “Renegade” or “SmashFace” or “DickSqueezer.” Why are all these so called tough guys so enamored with their weight and clothes? I’ve never given a shit what I wear or what I weigh, and I’m tougher than a driving test for an Asian. Get a grip, guys.”
“You guys got your red shirts on? Okay, everyone get in there. Now smile and say “prison!””
He sent this yesterday and I forgot to post it. Another fashion/drugs lesson…
“Was wearing my white v-neck t-shirt today because I like to remind women that I too could make milk from my breasts if I felt like it (nipple joke, high five), and this chick told me that “All women are suckers for a white v-neck t-shirt on a guy.” I smiled, gently touched her arm to remind her of her father, and said, “Wait til you see me out of it.” What I meant was, “These mushrooms are about to kick in and I’m going to REALLY be out of it,” but she thought I meant sexual stuff, so I ended up popping my 13th and hopefully final “Tripping Balls Boner” and fucking her brains out, literally as far as I could tell since my boner was a giant sword made out of boxes of girl scout cookies and the game Simon Says for a head. I’m guessing she’s alright because she texted me “Wow” a couple times after. That or “Mom.” I couldn’t tell which side of my phone was the bottom anymore.”
I thought he swore off mushrooms, but this like anything he sends could be a lie, leaving us nowhere.
Kid don’t touch that its a giant head of a penis!