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Old Dirty

13 May

His high school memories are catching up with him:

It’s so hard to tell when my jeans are stained and when I’m having an acid flashback. Don’t wanna be a guy who washes his jeans a lot though. Gotta stick to twice a year. Only people named Brenden wash their jeans more than twice a year.” 

Rich people buy clothes to show how they identify with poor people.

Rich people buy clothes to show how they identify with poor people.

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When We Change

10 Dec

It can be tough. And expensive…

“Just found out I got all my suits tailored for the wrong person. The person I USED TO BE. That shit was so deep I had to leave work early and get stoned so I could think about it.” 

Damnit. I could look so much better.

Damnit. I could look so much better.

Bring An Extra

18 Oct

Or you’ll regret it…

“Always keep an extra shirt and pair of pants in your car. You never know when you might spill coffee all over yourself, get cum everywhere by accident on the way to the restaurant, or even worse, find that another incredibly cool dude beat you to the punch and is wearing the same shirt as you.” 

From a great little blog thing called “Matching Dudes.”

Fashion Tips

26 Jul

From our in-house editor…

“You’ll hear a lot of fashion pundits over the years talking about when it’s okay for men to wear shorts, or why men shouldn’t wear shorts, or how you should only wear shorts in between Memorial Day and Labor Day, not before the 4th of July but not after Bastille Day and never at night. But the real deal is this– Today I was walking into a grocery store and a bandaid fell off my dick and out the bottom of my shorts. And THAT, my friend, is why men should never wear shorts.”

They don’t call ’em shorts for nothin’

Fake Tough Guys

26 Jun

Often a topic of his wandering mind…

“I was at the DMV today where I shockingly was not involved in a screaming match with a fat black woman, but I did come across something that irked me. Why is it that all tough guys are such fucking pussies when it comes down to it? Wrestlers and boxers are as weight-obsessed as anorexic blonde chicks, Gangbangers are so focused on one color in particular that they match their entire wardrobe, and it appears that every single person who’s ever even trained in Mixed Martial Arts has started their own clothing company with a name like “Renegade” or “SmashFace” or “DickSqueezer.” Why are all these so called tough guys so enamored with their weight and clothes? I’ve never given a shit what I wear or what I weigh, and I’m tougher than a driving test for an Asian. Get a grip, guys.”

“You guys got your red shirts on? Okay, everyone get in there. Now smile and say “prison!””

What To Wear

11 Jun

He sent this yesterday and I forgot to post it. Another fashion/drugs lesson…

“Was wearing my white v-neck t-shirt today because I like to remind women that I too could make milk from my breasts if I felt like it (nipple joke, high five), and this chick told me that “All women are suckers for a white v-neck t-shirt on a guy.” I smiled, gently touched her arm to remind her of her father, and said, “Wait til you see me out of it.” What I meant was, “These mushrooms are about to kick in and I’m going to REALLY be out of it,” but she thought I meant sexual stuff, so I ended up popping my 13th and hopefully final “Tripping Balls Boner” and fucking her brains out, literally as far as I could tell since my boner was a giant sword made out of boxes of girl scout cookies and the game Simon Says for a head. I’m guessing she’s alright because she texted me “Wow” a couple times after. That or “Mom.” I couldn’t tell which side of my phone was the bottom anymore.”

I thought he swore off mushrooms, but this like anything he sends could be a lie, leaving us nowhere. 

Kid don’t touch that its a giant head of a penis!

Updates From The Frontline

29 May

I was whisked away to a lake where time stood still and the Internet did not exist. He went to a wedding in New York. Pardon the delay. Here are the tons of things he sent me:

“Manhattan is a dope place to go if you want to feel like the King of the World one second, and like committing suicide the next. Bring the family!”

“Fashion update from the frontline: Purples are in. Douchebags have co-opted neon. Everything silk. Silk pants even. And ladies, make sure that shit is see-through!”

“Just walked down Canal Street. Snakeskin boots? More like Fakeskin boots– AM I RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?!?!?!?!?”

“Learned a lot about assholes tonight at Scores. Biggest take-home: If you’re gonna regularly make that ass clap, get that asshole bleached.”

“New York is the only place where you can simultaneously sit ACROSS FROM a runaway and NEXT TO the guy who’s going to kill her later.”

“An argument broke out on the subway tonight. Not IN a Subway– that would be amazing– could you imagine all the tomatoes and cold cuts flying everywhere?!?!?!?! Anyway, these two dudes were arguing with a woman sitting next to them, and I caught some real gems. First off, she accused them of being gay based on the fact that “Now that Obama said he’s down with being gay, everyone wanna go homo.” When they explained to her that they were not in fact gay, that they were two eligible bachelor ballers making “G’s,” she cleverly retorted that “G must stand for Garbage, because that’s how you be dressin!” That got a big rise out of the audience, a colorful cast of central casting castaways. But the real topper was yet to come. When she accused them of being drug dealers, one of them did not shy from the fact, brazenly announcing with raised voice, “So what? We work at Costco, AND WE DEAL DRUGS! So fuck you!” Obviously the argument was over at that point, the young man having employed the virtually unbeatable “We work at Costco and sell drugs” trump card. Her only shot to win at that point was if she happened to be a tranny prostitute who worked at Spencer’s Gifts.”

And then he stopped sending texts and emails. Maybe he tried to buy drugs from those guys and they killed him. Stay tuned. 

“First time’s free…”

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