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Writing Raps For Other People

15 Oct

We should all be so lucky as “Roger”…

“I’ve written a rap for my co-worker Roger, AKA The Most Boring Man in the World:

Let me tell you ’bout my fantasy team, and my dreams

After that, how ’bout a quote from the nineties movie “Scream”

And if there’s time, a dissection of my three favorite ice creams

If you love shit that’s boring baby get on my team.”

Roger’s coffee cup.


She Strikes Again

30 May

He always tells me not to tell people about my dreams, and then he does it…

“Had another Lohan dream last night. This time we were actually dating, and my friends weren’t handling it well. Jealous fuckers. I’m pissed at them today about it. Because that’s how I roll. If I have a dream where someone fucks me over, that person is OUT TO GET ME!”

But does she dream about him?

Please to enjoy the first installment of the Lohan dream sequence:

Where Dreams Go To Die

13 Apr

His brain is the place, apparently…

“Had a dream last night that an ugly white trash girl left me with her newborn baby in a shitty apartment, and I spent the whole dream taking care of him and hoping her ugly ass would come back, but she never did. At one point, I walked the baby down to the local gas station in a blanket like I was a Russian Babushka to get the little fucker a bottle of Dannon water to drink. Point being, when you get old like me, even your dreams are pathetic and involve responsibility. Plus it’s a damn ripoff of the premise of the third season of Eastbound and Down. I’d call my show “Third Down and Gay.” Unoriginal, manual labor-type dreams. Fucking pathetic.

Why am I telling you this? Because you need to NOT get old like me. Drink all the jungle juice at your last fraternity party of your second senior year and just end it. Trust me, you’ll be missing out on nothing. Plus then I can milk your death for all it’s worth. “Oh my brother, what a crying shame!” I’d scream in between lines of coke and kisses from a Puerto Rican girl who swears she’s 18 but conveniently can’t find her driver’s license. “I’m all alone in this World!” I’d bellow as she gave my D a Hamilton Piledriver. You get the picture. Thanks in advance bro!”

The “Hamilton Piledriver” is a new one I’m not familiar with. And that’s also the 10th time he’s basically told me to kill myself, so… Yeah.

This is not a dream, kids.


Getting A Talking To

6 Dec

When you’re as ridiculous as he is, the speeches come from everywhere…

“My dickhead drug dealer just gave me a whole speech about how he thinks I “need to chill” because I kept asking him for greens and reds and whites (even though I was just getting in the Holiday spirit drug-wise) and says he won’t sell to me for awhile. What a haughty (look it up) piece of shit. He kept going on and on about all the weird times of night I call him, about the time I waited outside his building pretending to walk a dog that I didn’t even own, and bitching endlessly about the time I broke into his apartment wearing a Freddy Kruger mask and tried to convince him he was having a nightmare and to give me all his drugs. Waahhh Waahhh Wahhh gimme a break! ANyway I canceled my therapy session tonight because who needs one after a guy named Sneaky Bart tells you what all your problems are while smoking a hookah and playing Donkey Kong Country? AM I RIIIIIIIIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!” 

Haughty means “arrogantly superior and disdainful” FYI. Who wants a drug dealer like that?

Doesn't look like the little guy is going to make it.


He’s A Dreamer

19 Nov

Who only has weird dreams…

“I know I told you to never tell your dreams to people, but I had a really weird one last night. I was at an animal hospital, and when I walked up to the desk, the cashier was my high school girlfriend, a hot black chick (because I’ve ALWAYS BEEN awesome). She looked at me and said “You here to pick up your Dad?” and I was like “I don’t know,” because I was super confused! Then she gestured to the corner, where Dad was in a cage wearing a suit reading a newspaper, and she handed me a piece of beef jerky. “This won’t satisfy him,” I said to her, not knowing why. “It’s all we’ve got,” she replied. And then we both started laughing hysterically. And then I woke up. FUCKING DEEP BRO!!!!!!! 

PS Can’t wait to kick Dad’s ass in 5 days.”

If you, like me, are excited to see/hear about another brother/Dad fight, we might have one cooking.

The internet is weird.

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