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Home Run Derby

21 Jun

We used to play in our backyard and hit the balls into a huge tree that kind of had perfect levels of branches, so the highest was worth four points and the lowest one. His claim to fame was breaking his bat while hitting the winning homerun against his friend. Now this is how he plays ball:

“Guerilla Marketing Campaign proposal DENIED at work today. I wanted them to give me money to get our company logo put on a bunch of baseballs, and then I was going to get SUPER WASTED over a series of nights and walk around different neighborhoods hitting the balls through people’s windows. CRACK! SMASH! “Hey what the hell?! Oh look, a reliable financial company with the vision to explore new boundaries while remaining prudent in pursuit of gains!” Anyway people said stuff like “That’s illegal” and “That’s ridiculous” and “Put your pants back on!” during the meeting and my idea was shut down. Another reminder that when you’re awesome, sometimes non-awesome people are going to gang up on you and act like you’re crazy. But they’re just jealous that you have a super sweet custom Louisville Slugger bat and a big JOHNSON HOG.” 

*Custom Louisville Slugger not pictured.

The back of that baseball card can be found at:


Jack Of(f) All Trades

1 Jun

He sent me this lovely emoticon spectacular after I called him Nancy…

Make it rain!

“Think About It”

9 Mar

and then feel as grossed out as I do. Who sends stuff like this to people?

“Dude think about this chart. And PS WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY COLORED PENCILS?!?!?!” 

2% still seems really high. I gave him props for his good work with the highlighters.

“Drugs & Your Face”

11 Jan

Hoping I can turn in a chart like this when I return to school tomorrow…

“The length of time you can keep a massive drug and alcohol addiction a secret is DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL to how good looking you are. Please see the attached chart as evidence.” 

Another reason to feel bad for FUGLY people. And who knew about Brad and Angelina???

His Most Ridiculous Drawing Ever

1 Nov

That pretty much explains it…

“Dudester– Ran into an interesting situation last night and learned a valuable lesson. Made a drawing to elucidate my point. Please, to enjoy.”

There are no words to describe how insane he's gotten.


A Dining Guide For Drunks

24 Sep

But more importantly… a new drawing! Where has he been with these? He sent this to me and like 30 other people this morning:

“Dudes. Judging by what just happened to me in the bathroom, I think I made some very bad decisions last night in terms of sustenance. To help us all out, I’ve created this handy guide of what NOT to eat when you’re drunk, because I think we’ve all been prone to making the same mistakes over and over again. So do yourself a favor and avoid these 8 tempting but dangerous late-night snacks, and have yourself a much better Sunday than you would otherwise. Foodie out!”

Do NOT reheat that Trash Lasagna guys.


“It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere”

26 Aug

This has kind of always been his slogan, but now we all have a handy chart to follow it:

Like the kickass Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett song reminds us, it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere. It might only be 11AM here, but I know that those motherfuckers in Greenland are getting their drink on and eyeing that one sheep whose face somewhat resembles a woman, thinking about how after four more Klingklottons (Greenland’s official beer) they’ll probably be good and ready for some straight up beast-mode, and that makes me feel a lot better about the fact that me and one of the IT guys (Sundeep? I can never remember his name so I just call him Jim) just ripped a few shots behind the dumpsters out back. I’ve included this chart I made as a manner of “showing my work” like you used to have to do in math class.”

He didn’t just check the Internet? That seems retarded. Either way…

Pretty good job assuming its freehand.



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