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It’s The End Of The World

26 Oct

for realz this time…

“Well, REM and the fucking Mayans were right. It’s the end of the World. How do I know for sure? Because Taco Bell made a deal with America. If one motherfucker steals a base in the World Series this year, we’ll give all of you fat pieces of shit a free Doritos Loco Taco. You know, the one made with fucking Doritos for the shell? That one you NEEDED? Well guess what? Someone stole a base. Who, you ask? ANGEL PAGAN. That’s right, ANGEL fucking PAGAN. If you need more evidence, fuck you. Let the feast of tacos and souls begin!” 

Don’t ask for forgiveness now, Pagan! It’s too late!

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Expectations

15 Mar

He thinks people should stop having them of him. I can’t believe anyone ever did…

“Apparently people think I’m actually gonna hang out with them when I say stuff like “Hey let’s hang out tomorrow” and “I’ll be there at 7!” and then when I don’t, which I figured was majorly fucking obvious, they get all angry and shit. Just wanted to let you know that people are getting really sensitive as we close in on the end of the World this year. FYgay.”

This is not a new problem. I remember he once didn’t come home for Christmas from college one year, and didn’t tell anyone in our family ahead of time. 

The Great Prognosticator

4 Jan

He sent this list of his “Top Ten Predictions for 2012” so I added some pictures to it. I’m really bored. Click on this little guy for fun:

2012 top ten

He Might Have Died This Time

2 Jan

No communication since middle of the day on New Years Eve and his phone is going straight to voicemail. He also isn’t returning texts. And honestly he’s too arrogant to not communicate in any way. He told me once that if this ever happened I should dig fifteen feet deep behind the main tree in our backyard but I’m not at home. I’ll keep you posted…

Memory Loss

22 Aug

He suffers from it…

“Dude. Totally forgot to stop burning the candle at both ends like I promised myself (and Jesus) I would a couple weeks ago. Do I keep the train rolling all the way through ACL next month or go into hibernation? What color will the car be that I wrap around a tree in three weeks? These are the questions plaguing me as the partners prattle on about how we’re losing money bla bla bla quit crying you idiots the World’s ending next year anyway!” 

ACL is Austin City Limits where he’s going for a bachelor party, if anyone wants to meet him there and get fingered. T-minus one week to my return to school! 

Chanting

20 May

Funny text:

“Remember to get a chant of “Rapture! Rapture! Rapture!” going at the bar starting at 11:50PM tonight.”

Gonna try it! 

The Rapture Explained

19 May

Finally…

“Leave it to the Asians to break it all down for us with Avatars.”

Here’s the YouTube link he sent:

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