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One Or The Other

8 May

He can’t figure it out…

“This is a picture of a guy on my street who nonchalantly walks his skateboarding dog every day. One time I said something amazing to him like, “What will they think of next!” and he didn’t even acknowledge me. I’m trying to figure out if I think he’s more of an ASSCLOWN or a CLOWNDICK. Definitely one of the two but the distinction is tricky here. On one hand, he’s a total ASSCLOWN for teaching his dog to skateboard and then acting like all dogs skateboard, when we all know the only thing all dogs do is go to Heaven. On the other hand, he’s a major CLOWNDICK for not recognizing greatness in his presence and getting all googly eyed when I took time out from texting my former secretary to tell him a joke. What do you think?”

I'm going with CLOWNDICK.

I’m going with CLOWNDICK.

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So Far So Bad

2 Mar

He always says “You pay for what you get.” He’s living it now…

“I trimmed my pubes for this????!!! This chick is ridiculous. Invites me to come stay with her and then doesn’t have sex with me the first night? And then she’s got all these crazy rules like “No smoking in the house,” “Please don’t poop with the door open,” and “Stop punching my dog in the stomach.” But the dog keeps looking at me! Get a life, lady. If she doesn’t shape up tonight I’m gonna go stay at a hotel and fuck old sad divorcees for the rest of the weekend. Seacrest out.”

I love when his bullshit persona of being a pimp falls apart on him. 

Catching Stares

1 Mar

He sent this last night:

“If I ever have a girlfriend, I hope she doesn’t sneak stares at other dudes when I’m not looking, which is what pretty much every girl who’s with their boyfriend does with me. If I do ever have a girlfriend and she does that, I will take her by the hand and lead her over to the dude, and then give her nose a finger smack and say “No! No!” like she’s a puppy who pooped on my carpet.”

"If you want to fuck him just fuck him already!"

He’s A Dreamer

19 Nov

Who only has weird dreams…

“I know I told you to never tell your dreams to people, but I had a really weird one last night. I was at an animal hospital, and when I walked up to the desk, the cashier was my high school girlfriend, a hot black chick (because I’ve ALWAYS BEEN awesome). She looked at me and said “You here to pick up your Dad?” and I was like “I don’t know,” because I was super confused! Then she gestured to the corner, where Dad was in a cage wearing a suit reading a newspaper, and she handed me a piece of beef jerky. “This won’t satisfy him,” I said to her, not knowing why. “It’s all we’ve got,” she replied. And then we both started laughing hysterically. And then I woke up. FUCKING DEEP BRO!!!!!!! 

PS Can’t wait to kick Dad’s ass in 5 days.”

If you, like me, are excited to see/hear about another brother/Dad fight, we might have one cooking.

The internet is weird.

“A Conversation [He] Just Had”

26 Oct

Just learned that shit in class. Apparently you’re supposed to put the word you changed in brackets. Who knew. Anyway…

“A conversation I just had with a clothing store worker–

WORKER: Hey friend. Cool jeans. Where’d you get ’em?

ME: A hot chick gave ’em to me three years ago. 

WORKER: Did they come with those rips?

ME: Nope. Did those myself. This one’s from carrying a chick on my back drunk. We fell. See the blood? This one’s from a dog bite. Didn’t hurt. And this one’s from skeet-shooting. Closed a shotgun too close to my leg and it caught on my damn jeans and ripped ’em. That actually hurt like hell. 

WORKER: Wow. 

ME: Wow is right, brother. And PS– I’ve never washed ’em.

Then the worker’s head exploded and a midget ran in to give me a fruit basket for all of my hard work in America. Aaaaaaaaaand scene.”

I’ve already heard that story like three times just without the exploding head and midget. 

Columbus Day

10 Oct

And what it means to him:

“I didn’t even realize it was Columbus Day until just now– that shit used to be a major deal until everyone started “reading” and “researching” and then “talking” to each other. Gimme a break. The truth about Columbus is that he was a BOSS DICKHEAD cross-dresser who loved to party and when the Indians starting filing tribal noise complaints against the “New World Ragers” he was throwing, he got super pissed one night and killed everyone. That’s something to care about, something to honor, something to take the day off of work for. But now the only people who care are postal workers, which reminds me– you should be a mailman when you grow up. Any job working for the US Government is a great job because they can never fire you and there’s absolutely no incentive to work hard, so you basically just dick around all day while people who work real jobs wait for you to finish talking to LaShandra about how her Pitbull killed the neighbor again. Mark’s Dad is a mailman and from what I can tell, it makes you eventually buy a revolver that you stare at while weeping from time to time. Top that, pro athletes!”

 Mark is his best friend. 

You guys ready to party?

Puppy Love

25 Feb

I told you he was a master eavesdropper:

“Was just standing in line at Starbucks because I’m a piece of shit conformist and I overheard two women talking (nothing worse!) about their dogs and one of them said “He loves me unconditionally and he never lies to me!” and then they both laughed. I did too, but for a much different reason.” 

Add Starbucks to the “things he hates but does anyway” list. 

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