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He Got A Checkup

27 Feb

And his worst fear was confirmed…

“Well, it turns out I’m NOT dying after all. I know, I’m bummed too. I went to the doctor yesterday and explained my symptoms– morning dehydration and headaches, burning pee and stomach pain, farts, strangers in the living room, broken dishware, poorly written emails to exes, camera crew in the bushes, kids next door are crying, and my orange tree is dead. He called the cops but the CAT scan came back clean.”

FUCKIN CAT SCAN!!!!!!

FUCKIN CAT SCAN!!!!!!

Helping Your Friends

19 Dec

It’s the best thing you can do in life. But you can’t do it like this:

“Good buddy of mine tore his ACL in a flag football game recently. This is what happens when you get older. One minute you’re trying to rip fabric off of a man running away from you carrying a strangely shaped piece of animal skin, the next you’re lying on the ground in tears. Anyway, the doctors told him he’d have to get some weird surgery where they replaced his ACL with a dead man’s achilles, and I had to step in. So tomorrow the doctors will be removing some tendons from my penis and putting them in my friend’s knee. It turns out the reason my penis is so long is that I had a bunch of extra tendons normally meant for legs and shit in there, so I was all like, “Buddy just take these for God’s sake and I’ll finally be able to fit inside an Asian!” The doctors are pumped because everyone loves a challenge and my friend doesn’t have to get some weird old serial killer’s achilles tendon which would probably make his knee do weird stuff like kick old women in their cooters. Seacrest out!”

Boner time!

Dude is open to your left you dumbass!

Figuring Yourself Out

26 Oct

He does it, and god dammit so can you!

“I’ve been feeling really down recently because the doctors keep telling me I’m “going to die soon” and “you have Aidsthma!” so I haven’t been going out or having fun like my usual self. Then it hit me. It wasn’t my Aidsthma acting up that was making me sad, it was that I somehow hadn’t listened to rap music for a week! So I put the video for “Oh” by Ciara (f/ Ludacris) on, danced around, thought about how cool I am, exploded some crazy liquid everywhere from my Schlamson Rod, and now I’m better. Don’t ever NOT listen to rap music for more than three days.”

This chick is hot in the weirdest way. Like I want to do pull-ups with her:

That Time

20 Sep

of the day, the week, the month, whatever…

“It’s completely unfair that women are allowed a period of time each month (see what I did there???) where they act completely crazy, make no sense and are overly emotional… but when I do that exact same thing once a week I have to go to a doctor and take tests and medicine because I’m “bipolar.” What if I’m just having my Penis Period? Nothing’s bleeding because I’m not weak, but maybe… just maybe… my soul is bleeding a little bit. Sure feels like it. Where is the soul, anyway? Your lower back? That’s where it hurts.”

On Taking Risks

14 Aug

If you have to, make sure it’s the right one…

“Someone just asked me why I haven’t had laser eye surgery and why I still wear contacts. First of all, God made my eyes blurry so I wouldn’t have to look at how ugly everyone was. But secondly, I don’t give a shit that millions of people have had the surgery and only like one Puerto Rican guy went blind. I’m not risking it. I would only get laser eye surgery if my best friend’s Dad was the doctor, because at least that way if he fucked up and I went blind I could make someone else’s life miserable too. “Hey man, what’s up?” “Not much, just still blind, not looking at stuff because your Dad ruined my life. Pretty much just going off memories at this point.” If you’re going to take a risk, snort some bath salts with a runaway named Joey the Grump, don’t get laser eye surgery.” 

Whoops!

Getting Creative

31 Jul

Drastic times call for drastic measures. That’s a saying right? He sent this picture:

What a fucking selection!

“At the doctor’s office today because my AIDS is flaring up and all they have to masturbate to is this magazine about traveling in the Northeast. Sometimes you’ve gotta get creative. Hoping the combo of loose cougars and the oxymoron of a funny woman can get me over the hump into Explosion Alley, AKA the bathroom with the shitty button lock ten feet from here.” 

Hands-Free

18 May

Some things never change…

“Did you hear about how the doctors set up a system of wires and computers that allowed a quadriplegic man and woman the chance to move a robot arm with their minds????? It’s one of the most important things to happen in brain science for decades, and what did the woman choose to do? Drink a latte. I’m not kidding you. She wanted a cinnamon latte. The man used his robot arm to knock the cup out of the woman’s robot hand. And then he jerked off. BOOM! SCIENCE JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I love how it’s “the doctors” that did this, as if there’s only like 10 doctors in the world and they’re at it again!

He wasn’t lying.

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